SpartanForce
Member
I'm taking my meds and still feel depressed. =(
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Depression
- Thread starter Jea Song
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MisterLuffy
Member
I'm taking Physics for my major requirement, I'm majoring in Computer Science. I chose it right out of the bat because I haven't found any majors that I'm interested in. Also, I heard you make a lot of money. Well, its the main reason why I chose this major. Physics is interesting subject, but I blame myself for not understanding anything. I'm just not the type of guy who grasps concept easily. People keep telling me to act positive, how the hell can I act positive if I know the outcome of my life? I don't even like myself.
Collete
Member
The Horse and the Rider
Some stuff is going down soon. And all I can think of is this...
I am too weak...
Some stuff is going down soon. And all I can think of is this...
I am too weak...
Even doing nothing, I feel worn out and exhausted. I thought Wellbutrin was supposed to help with energy, but I'm always feeling run down (though I can never fall asleep properly. Usually have to twist and turn for 2 hours to get 4 hours of sleep). An hour after waking my brain starts to fog and I become disoriented and totally lost. Lasts until I fall asleep at 5am. Maybe it's because the pills expire this month, or the initial side effects, or withdrawal from Pristiq. Probably all three. Feel terrible.
Literally the fourth time in a row within a week that plans I tried to make fell through because the other person realized they'd already made other plans and then cancel on my. I'm really trying to get my shit together, but this is just so counterproductive and backfiring hard, ruining any kind of motivation I to do work I might've had.
I haven't been on so many walks in forever. It's lonely and sad, but it's all that's keeping me from punching a hole in the wall of my room these days.
Fuck over-investing in people, I wish I was less emotional so badly.
/rant over.
I haven't been on so many walks in forever. It's lonely and sad, but it's all that's keeping me from punching a hole in the wall of my room these days.
Fuck over-investing in people, I wish I was less emotional so badly.
/rant over.
The same thing happens to me all the time. It's frustrating.
It's hard enough for me to ask people to hang out in the first place because none of them are actually friends, because I have none. Getting constantly screwed over this way isn't exactly productive in making it easier for me to approach new people. Or be happy.
I know how ya feel. I had plans to go out with my sister tonight but I didn't go because it's not like she'd be hanging around with me ALL night in clubs in that. Meaning I'd look like a total loner half of the time since I have nobody else to talk to.
I actually tried to make a noose with my speed rope earlier, fuuuuuuuckkk.
Wait, but YOU cancelled the plans? Why? I had mine cancelled on me. 4 times in a row now, by 4 different people. I don't even.
Knowing the fact that I'd be on my own half of the night is just pathetic, too awkward. Sorry to hear about your plans being shot at.
At this point I'm rather alone NOT at home then at home alone. The latter happens all the time anyway, so I'd take awkward going out over staying home anytime. Hence me going out alone for a walk right now.
Ugh, I'd happily go a wander with you. Quiet nights out are nice..
I have free season tickets for 2 for all attractions in Vancouver. I'm using them by myself now. Going up grouse gondola, which is like 50 bucks, just because i can.
Anyone here from Vancouver is welcome to join me... I can get you into any attraction/museum for free. :/
*sigh* crappy way to end off a crappy day. Felt suicidal for a good portion of the night while I was out, and then we find out someone was shot, and killed, at the mall we were at. Angered me how quickly people resort to needless violence (which often result in death) to solve disputes, and then reflected on myself and how I felt. Immediately felt guilty afterwards and now I feel awful, but not suicidal. Not tonight.
Wellbutrin can cause sleep troubles while you're adjusting to it. Pristiq can cause sleep troubles while you're adjusting away from it. Put both together...chances are you'll have some trouble sleeping for a little bit. Benadryl has always been my go to for safe, effective treatment for occasional sleeplessness.
To reply to your more recent post, you shouldn't feel guilty about how you feel. You're going to feel how you're going to feel, and it takes serious time to slowly change the grooves your feelings run along. Just never feel bad giving yourself permission to, well, feel however your brain wants you to feel.
Hopefully so, that transportation issue is awful. I still get on the bus and it still gets me there, even if ends up being an hours-long ordeal for everything. But it's functional and it sounds like more than what you have there.Oh, I didn't think you were. I just talk a lot, sorry. I didn't even stay on topic there for long. ^^'People judge too much.
You have my respect, and sure as hell I don't want to work 16 hours per day (that's 80 hours per 5 week days), would only do it if I had to get money in a very short amount of time, got something to gain from it (like experience to apply to something else) and be done after it; or for some attainable goal nonetheless. Otherwise I prefer minimum wage or part time (half minimum wage) to make ends meet/get some pocket money. I know it's not much of a plan, but working myself to death and feel horrible and explored for it is no plan either.
Nothing pays for humiliation and feeling exploited. With that said I'm not against doing jobs regarded as crappy, hell I could work on construction, I'm not stingy.Understandable, you need time, and I can't imagine how the betrayal you describe felt. I sure as hell can't imagine letting any of my friends going through it without reaching for help, but I'm really glad you managed to get past it and are doing better now.
Some people suck, the bright side of it happening is that bad friendships and people like that are time bombs, you'd always need them at some point and they wouldn't be there for you; so perhaps coming to grips with was the best thing to happen in the middle of the bad things going down. I mean you can only look forward past that, I just hope it doesn't erode your capability to trust other people significantly. (It's okay to be careful though)Oh, I only faced that risk because my licence is less than 3 years old. Before that I had to rely on transportation.
I hated it though, because they are always on strike and have no respect for their clients. It's not reliable at all and they can be rude.
The subway lacks subway stations so the whole system is convoluted, to get around you need to walk a lot (and this is not plain terrain, the city is built on hills), catch buses, electric carts, train and subway, most of them being explored by different companies (for that reason transportation passes can be expensive, way more expensive than the gas I spend per month). The strikes are really bad too, they don't even comply to the minimum services, and go for as long as a week at times. Even when they work fine their schedule closes really early so you can't go out at night and return in a timely manner, you either get home really soon, or real early in the following morning, which sucks for the people that like something in between, like me.
This is a very latin country, basically. In some other capitals, like London me having a car would be nuts, too expensive to maintain, public transportation works, service is good, there's always a subway station closeby and it's faster than using a car. Here it means I can't simply go out for a coffee after dinner, or anywhere really... unless I get a ride. The lifestyle is a byproduct of where I live, although I really can't complain, I'm surely lucky to have a car.
It sucks, but I can live through it sure. The worser part would be the time needed to go to the classes again and the money I'd have to fork out; with the way this works here drivers licence is also a very sought for requirement when applying for jobs (means you can get there regardless whose transportation company is doing strikes next week).
I'm hoping that whole ticket situation is in the past though, it should be.
I was going to type up some big long reply for the rest, but I'll cut straight to the point. The only way I could look forward is to completely disown my mother. There's no other method possible. I forgave her for everything and she still can't stop dragging me down.
People always let you down, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. They always get away with it too.
Hi depression-GAF. I've occasionally read this topic, I've had bad depression on and off for years and I've yet to get my shit sorted out. My situation is this-
-graduated college at 22 with a semi-useless degree (anthro/east asian studies)
-realized I didn't like the career options that came with my degree, so I took a certificate program in audio engineering
-did some internships and realized it wasn't for me either, moved home while i was figuring this out
-this past january, mutual breakup between me and my boyfriend of 2 years. we are still very good friends and we are there for each other emotionally but it still hurts quite a bit.
-job prospects were slim to none in my rural hometown, so I got up and moved 3,000 miles from my home in upstate NY to los angeles to live with my sister and brother-in-law. currently on their couch.
So now I've been in a new city for a few weeks. No friends, no car, haven't landed a job yet despite applying numerous places. To say my depression has returned is an understatement. I feel like I'm going out of my mind. Also feel useless and I'm terribly lonely. I'm starting to think coming here was a big mistake
-graduated college at 22 with a semi-useless degree (anthro/east asian studies)
-realized I didn't like the career options that came with my degree, so I took a certificate program in audio engineering
-did some internships and realized it wasn't for me either, moved home while i was figuring this out
-this past january, mutual breakup between me and my boyfriend of 2 years. we are still very good friends and we are there for each other emotionally but it still hurts quite a bit.
-job prospects were slim to none in my rural hometown, so I got up and moved 3,000 miles from my home in upstate NY to los angeles to live with my sister and brother-in-law. currently on their couch.
So now I've been in a new city for a few weeks. No friends, no car, haven't landed a job yet despite applying numerous places. To say my depression has returned is an understatement. I feel like I'm going out of my mind. Also feel useless and I'm terribly lonely. I'm starting to think coming here was a big mistake
If only that were true happiness.
Easter Sunday started out great in third ward Houston - an execution style killing in the alley behind my sister's house. Three loud shots. I'm sure that poor soul didn't live to hear about it.
My counselor shrugged me off last wednesday and rescheduled to this coming week. So that's two weeks without counseling, which is pretty bad in my situation. I really, really needed that help.
My brother-in-law was laid off so I don't have any more privacy to see my counselor anyway. My sister told - told! - him to look for a job like the control freak she is. He's older than her and has a job history about as good as her, too. I really don't like her anymore. I really don't like anyone in my family anymore.
I'm waiting on a doctor's note so I can get food stamps. MHMRA would rather sit on their ass and let me go hungry before they actually do any work. One fucking paper that I hand delivered to their doorstep and they can't even get that done. Meanwhile I starve. Oh well! Nobody cares. They collect their paychecks and leave.
My mom has cataract surgery on Tuesday. Things will probably go well but she's using whatever excuse she can not to take a $27/hr job because she's scared it won't work out, or she's too old, or whatever. See what I mean folks? You'd think money would matter, that getting out of the tiny little 200 square foot shit-hole SRO she's in would be good, but no! She wants to stay there because..... Because her quality of life is worse there? Because it's a horrible part of town? Because she's already been there a couple years? Because it's full of drug addicts scheming the system? I don't know anymore, but I do know none of it makes any sense.
Freedom isn't free ;p
You can do it Oomi. It will be good for your future. It will be good to get it out there, and you will feel so relieved once you've done it. It will be worth it. You can do it. You will do it.
So here's the deal
Growing up as a teenager I was, for years, humiliated by girls because of the way I looked. They pointed and laughed, called me names, whatever you could think of.
Doesn't matter whether they were right or not (they were, and still are) but I ended up with absolutely no self-esteem and nothing but hate for myself.
Ended up pushing everyone away because I was terrified I'd be hurt again.
Went to college thinking it'd be different... you know... people there should be more mature, in theory. Instead of being humiliated, I was ignored. Don't know which is worse to be honest, to be mocked or not be worth their attention even if it was to be mocked.
Less self-esteem, more self-hate.
"Hey, let's go to the gym and try to look better, maybe I'll get more self-esteem and that'll change my life."
Gained about 44lbs all by myself with nothing but hard work and everything's the same if not worse.
So now I completely hate myself and push everyone that tries to "get in".
My brain can't accept any kind of compliment because I think I'm a worthless pile of shit.
Every time someone gets remotely close I push them away because all I deserve from life is to be alone and miserable. It's what I've gotten used to anyway.
I'm not good at anything, never was. Can't get a job because my country has less money than a rock.
I spend my days either in bed or on the chair playing games away from everyone.
Seriously seriously want to end it all but I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it.
Long story short. I'm a miserable, repulsive, dumb, useless waste of life that shouldn't exist. Don't know what else to do =\
E: I feel bad for dropping in and merely talk about myself when all of you support each other so much. Will try to be present and maybe help others if possible.
You are all good people.
Growing up as a teenager I was, for years, humiliated by girls because of the way I looked. They pointed and laughed, called me names, whatever you could think of.
Doesn't matter whether they were right or not (they were, and still are) but I ended up with absolutely no self-esteem and nothing but hate for myself.
Ended up pushing everyone away because I was terrified I'd be hurt again.
Went to college thinking it'd be different... you know... people there should be more mature, in theory. Instead of being humiliated, I was ignored. Don't know which is worse to be honest, to be mocked or not be worth their attention even if it was to be mocked.
Less self-esteem, more self-hate.
"Hey, let's go to the gym and try to look better, maybe I'll get more self-esteem and that'll change my life."
Gained about 44lbs all by myself with nothing but hard work and everything's the same if not worse.
So now I completely hate myself and push everyone that tries to "get in".
My brain can't accept any kind of compliment because I think I'm a worthless pile of shit.
Every time someone gets remotely close I push them away because all I deserve from life is to be alone and miserable. It's what I've gotten used to anyway.
I'm not good at anything, never was. Can't get a job because my country has less money than a rock.
I spend my days either in bed or on the chair playing games away from everyone.
Seriously seriously want to end it all but I'm too much of a coward to do anything about it.
Long story short. I'm a miserable, repulsive, dumb, useless waste of life that shouldn't exist. Don't know what else to do =\
E: I feel bad for dropping in and merely talk about myself when all of you support each other so much. Will try to be present and maybe help others if possible.
You are all good people.
Collete
Member
There's other stuff at work...I feel once it happens I'm done....
I'm completely done for....
Out of Working Order
Member
You sound so much like me. I do work, but I spend my free time alone staring at a computer screen, or lied in bed staring into space.
My self esteem is in tatters. I try to pick it up, but it's not long before I come crashing back down again.
Hate this so much.
Special Easter chat? If we're lucky, our lord and savior* will appear unto us.
*Prax, obviously. And Fiction is St. Peter or something?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ADDRESS:
http://chat.mibbit.com
1. CONNECT: leave the server dropdown on mibbit
2. NICK: choose whatever nickname you want
(although if you want to reserve a nickname for yourself only, there are other steps you can take. I used this guide because it was easiest, even though we're not really in the mozilla servers: https://wiki.mozilla.org/IRC
If you want to change your nickname at any time, type "/nick NAMEYOUWANT" )
3. CHANNEL: "#depression_gaf depressionsucks"
(type in all the stuff in the quotation marks. #depression_gaf is the channel, and the depressionsucks part is the password to enter into the room)
4. Press the "CONNECT" button~!
(tabs on the top will display the different channels or private chats you are in
*Prax, obviously. And Fiction is St. Peter or something?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ADDRESS:
http://chat.mibbit.com
1. CONNECT: leave the server dropdown on mibbit
2. NICK: choose whatever nickname you want
(although if you want to reserve a nickname for yourself only, there are other steps you can take. I used this guide because it was easiest, even though we're not really in the mozilla servers: https://wiki.mozilla.org/IRC
If you want to change your nickname at any time, type "/nick NAMEYOUWANT" )
3. CHANNEL: "#depression_gaf depressionsucks"
(type in all the stuff in the quotation marks. #depression_gaf is the channel, and the depressionsucks part is the password to enter into the room)
4. Press the "CONNECT" button~!
(tabs on the top will display the different channels or private chats you are in
Prax
Member
I have the Walking Dead to watch and Game of Thrones too and art to make and why do you make this difficult? XD
Oh man, my life is so busy! tv, tv, procrastinate on drawing, and uhm..pee at.. some point. I guess food and sleeping in there too. Life's so gooood. (I actually mean that though lol)
But if I have the laptop at some point during all this, I could be in the chat too! Multi-tasking and being infinitely distracted. :>
HAPPY EASTER AND PASSOVER AND LONG WEEKEND EVERYONE!
Oh man, my life is so busy! tv, tv, procrastinate on drawing, and uhm..pee at.. some point. I guess food and sleeping in there too. Life's so gooood. (I actually mean that though lol)
But if I have the laptop at some point during all this, I could be in the chat too! Multi-tasking and being infinitely distracted. :>
HAPPY EASTER AND PASSOVER AND LONG WEEKEND EVERYONE!
That's true.
Feeling a bit down myself. Feel like ordering 5 pepperoni pizzas. I'm watching a movie about love and marriage and its bringing me down
I hate when my family asks me about university. No, I don't like my career. Yes, I know I need to finish it. No, I'm not smart at all, fuck you if you think I am.
At least my mom doesn't laugh about me not having a girlfriend anymore. Guess she's resigned to the fact that I never will.
At least my mom doesn't laugh about me not having a girlfriend anymore. Guess she's resigned to the fact that I never will.
C'mon, order those pizzas, and some ice cream too! Watch some fun movie, like Scott Pilgrim vs the World. Or if you're into video games, I'd recommend the Angry Video Game Nerd, he's a great guy and his videos are fantastic.
How much do you need to have a home til you find a new place
Yeah - what are we talking?
Yeah - I'm willing to help even though you make fun of me.
Neojubei has posted about body image and weight issues in the past, so ordering pizza probably isn't a good idea. Emotional eating very rarely helps, as the resulting weight just contributes to a different slew of problems.
Im going to probably regret doing this, but I have no one else to talk to anymore. I want to tell my story, because I have no one else to tell it to. I feel like everyone in my life is so sick of my drama, that even though they say they care, they want me to just get over it. I posted in this thread earlier without really going into much detail about whats been wrong
this will be a more detailed account of whats been going on in my life.
The past week or so has probably been one of the worst in my entire life, and while it started with one situation, it has just brought to light all kinds of horrible feelings, and dread within myself that I have lost the will to even live and even try being happy anymore. My biggest problem is I am probably my own worst enemy. I hate myself, I hate my life, and I think I may be a bit of a selfish asshole. I dont know or why Im like this, but I dont know how to change. I without thought do things that hurt people, and if I ever express myself honestly, it just makes people think the worst of me.
I have been suffering from depression for a good long while now, but I just kinda ignored it. I tried to always just move on, and do what needed to be done until the pressure always drove me into a sad state, and then Id just pick myself up and pretend Im ok. The difference between before and now, is I usually kept stuff like that to myself, or just ranted anonymously online. Right now, Ive put myself out there for everyone I know to see what Im feeling. There isnt a person I know who doesnt realize the kind of shitty mindset I am in right now, and while some of them said I care! I feel like its not true. If they cared so much, why are they only there when theres drama, instead of actually being there when Im always feeling alone in my life? Its not just about being there when things get bad, but Ive wanted people in my life in general.
Maybe its because I always push people away though too. At least thats what they say. Im a living paradox, where I say I want people around, but Im terrified of social situations, because I dont know how to act. I have nothing to say about myself, because Ive been stuck in a bedroom for the past 10 years, with hardly a time where I had anything to do except post on an internet forum or play a video game. Going to see a movie is about the most eventful thing I usually do outside of the house. The thing is, I dont know how to be a good friend I realize the mistakes I make, but Im so miserable all the time, that when someone has come into my life, I expect too much of them. If someone does start befriending me, Ill have thoughts like how often should I text them? Am I bothering them too much? Do they think Im annoying? Did I say too much? Am I being too honest? Should I be sorry for asking them something too soon? Am I being too pushy? These are the kind of thoughts that always go through my head! I am damned if I pursue friendships/relationships because Im no good at it and Im damned if I dont because Ill always be alone.
It has been so difficult in my life to have confidence, or a good self image. I am so unhappy with the way things are, but I am also lacking ambition because of my depression as well. Living with my parents at my age has never helped me try to feel confident with women, because men arent supposed to live with their parents anymore at my age :/ I just have had much of a choice in the matter, because I help them out financially, and I can never seem to save money for myself. I love my parents, but they tie me down so much. Of course whenever I try to talk to my mother about this, she just gets hurt feelings I upset her today without meaning to, because I told her I didnt want to exercise with her in public. Im always with them, and never with peers, its an issue of my own I guess, and I probably did come off sounding like as much of an asshole as she thinks I did.
The obvious thing that has made me depressed for a long time in my life is obvious for any man in their late 20s like me. I hate not having a girl in my life either. I keep thinking about how Im approaching my 30s, and Ive never had a real relationship. I hate that the only sexual encounters in my life have been mistakes, and to never be cared for. To put it simply, sometimes I just want someone to hold me.
The recent situation that ended up making me go into this state of a mental break down was of course a girl. I will admit that I made horrible impulsive decisions that made me look like an asshole. At the same time, a social worker I spoke with recently just said that my heart was in pain so its understandable. I made a friend with a girl who I used to work with. I dont remember how we ended up talking so much, but we were talking for a good while, and she really got to know me pretty well. So well in fact, that she knew about my depression, and things that were bothering me that I would normally not tell people I know because Im embarrassed. At the same time, I thought we kinda clicked really well. She said she enjoyed talking to me, but she also liked helping me sort through my problems because she wanted to help. She was the person who convinced me that I should look into low income clinics, where I might finally be able to get therapy for my depression. I always thought I couldnt get help, because I make shitty money. We also had similar interests, never met a girl who was into some of the silly shit I was into. She went out with me, and introduced me to her friends. Sharing what we shared with each other, I felt like it just made sense that I developed feelings for her, I couldnt help it. She had a boyfriend when we first started talking, but she had been broken up with him for a while, and finally gotten to the point where she was over him. I didnt express any interest in her, until I felt like she seemed ready. At some point, I asked her if shed be interested in pursuing a relationship as usual, she told me about another guy who we both used to work with that she had developed mutual feelings for.
It was pretty much at this point I had a complete emotional breakdown, and I wasnt very good at hiding it. I was crying, and angry to the point where I didnt know what else to feel anymore. Even though I was upset that I didnt feel I had a chance with her anymore, that wasnt only what bothered me. What bothered me is that this felt like the story of my life. I never get the girl. Ive befriended girls before, and I can remember a time in high school where I had a girl as a friend who I developed feelings for, but instead of giving me the chance for a relationship, she went out with a womanizing asshole, who not only cheating on previous girls, but cheated on her as well. Similar situations always seemed to happen in my life, and that was a big part of why I was upset, because it happened to me yet again.
Here comes mistake number 1, I expressed on facebook that I was upset, and I felt like no one cared in my life. (bear in mind, I only had like 20 people on my fb account, and most of them are family, or friends of family, and couple former coworkers). There were a few people who came out to post, about oh we care, but it just felt like pity. The girl who I was upset about also started commenting though, and I felt like she was attacking me. She acted like I didnt appreciate how she tried to be there for me, and that she was there to talk with me the past months. I had to defend myself from her, and tell her I wasnt unappreciative of her friendship, its just that it didnt feel like something I could talk to her about. This was the first time she ever got upset with me, and all I did was act hurt. I didnt directly act jealous up until that point, but I did eventually. She eventually was alright with how sorry I was for not sounding like I appreciated her friendship, but I told her what I just explained. How this kind of thing always seems to happen to me where I never even get a chance to date someone.
No matter how many people said they cared, I still couldnt stop crying for days. It didnt matter that some people on facebook who barely talked to me said that they cared once I still felt alone. I couldnt stop being upset, and crying, and that sometimes led to me getting angry. What I always end up doing when Im upset and alone, is I always let one thought lead to another so my depression about this situation brought up feelings of being sad about my childhood like being bullied, my parents never being there, how friend in high school hurt me. Every single day I just got upset for seemingly no reason, other than I was left alone with my thoughts to build up, and Id get depressed and angry. I started thinking of ways to take my own life never acted on them, but the thoughts alone were terrifying to me because I have never felt that way my whole life prior.
Here comes mistake number 2, in a fit of anger I messaged the guy that is seeing the girl I developed feelings for. I blamed him for my wanting to commit suicide, that why did he have to be the one to get her? I was upset, because he had someone. He had a fiancé he proposed to only 6 months ago, and broke up with her not even a month ago. Now I see why they broke up, since it sounded like these 2 started having mutual feelings in 2 months ago. I still admit though, that its not their fault, but when I messaged him, I blamed him for everything. At first I was angry with him, but he seemed like he was being so nice I had also considered him a friend before this, and he seemed so understanding, and not upset with me he explains why their relationship started, and that pointed out to me all the mistakes I had been making. It was like a revelation to me, because he was right. I was fucking up my own life even before this situation, and he knew it. I apologized to him with all my heart, and I felt like a fool for acting as jealous as I did. I begged him also just to not mention this to the girl, because I was trying to maintain a friendship, and become a better person.
For the first day in almost a week, I felt like I had stopped crying. I was seeing how stupid I was, and trying to move on, because I saw how stupid it was for me to be jealous of their relationship, and to move on. I wanted to stay being friends, and I wanted to get therapy to work out my depression, but then again I got attacked later in the day. I dont know what happened, but the guy, must have told the girl that I tried taking my own life, and she was upset about this. She was pissed that I didnt care how she felt. She was also blaming me for something I didnt understand about how they were trying to keep their relationship a secret, but I broke that trust when she told me. I admit I got upset by the whole situation, but I never told anyone that it involved her and him. Some people may have known it involved my feelings for her, but I never said hey! These 2 are going out! never. Even more, is they were blaming me for the guys ex-fiance calling him up that day, and having a screaming match for 45 minutes supposedly she mentioned my name, and said that I talked to her, which was not true! I never even met the person before in my life. I dont know how she knew anything about me! After this, even though I wanted to try staying friends with her she told me I hurt her, that Im selfish, and that I didnt care about her feelings, and that she doesnt think I could ever be a better person. I felt like I was being kicked when I was down She might be right that I acted like a stupid fool at times, but I dunno  I was upset, and if she really was my friend, why did she leave me when I was at my worst. I had told her some intimate details about myself, and she was never upset or disgusted with me. Yet when it involved her, she no longer can handle it?
Thats been kinda the story I dont know how to feel anymore. It wasnt until I met this girl that I was hoping to turn things around get therapy, be happy for a change instead it has just led to me having the worst emotional breakdown of my life, and unable to find a shred of joy in anything anymore. It has had the opposite effect on my life, and Im completely lost. As I mentioned briefly, I did see a social worker before, and she was so concerned about me, she moved up my appointment with a therapist to this week, but it really hurt me when I was told by the girl that she didnt think Id ever get better. I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and still just as shitty every night about this whole situation. I havent eaten all day because I have no appetite, even though my stomach is empty. Like Ive said, I admit and accept all of my mistakes. I know Im in the wrong on feeling certain feelings, and acting on stupid impulses. I dont want to be the person I have become, but I feel like Ive been this way for so long, that I dont know how to change, or if theres even any hope for me.
Thats my story im sorry it was so long, I tried to shorten it as much as I could..
The past week or so has probably been one of the worst in my entire life, and while it started with one situation, it has just brought to light all kinds of horrible feelings, and dread within myself that I have lost the will to even live and even try being happy anymore. My biggest problem is I am probably my own worst enemy. I hate myself, I hate my life, and I think I may be a bit of a selfish asshole. I dont know or why Im like this, but I dont know how to change. I without thought do things that hurt people, and if I ever express myself honestly, it just makes people think the worst of me.
I have been suffering from depression for a good long while now, but I just kinda ignored it. I tried to always just move on, and do what needed to be done until the pressure always drove me into a sad state, and then Id just pick myself up and pretend Im ok. The difference between before and now, is I usually kept stuff like that to myself, or just ranted anonymously online. Right now, Ive put myself out there for everyone I know to see what Im feeling. There isnt a person I know who doesnt realize the kind of shitty mindset I am in right now, and while some of them said I care! I feel like its not true. If they cared so much, why are they only there when theres drama, instead of actually being there when Im always feeling alone in my life? Its not just about being there when things get bad, but Ive wanted people in my life in general.
Maybe its because I always push people away though too. At least thats what they say. Im a living paradox, where I say I want people around, but Im terrified of social situations, because I dont know how to act. I have nothing to say about myself, because Ive been stuck in a bedroom for the past 10 years, with hardly a time where I had anything to do except post on an internet forum or play a video game. Going to see a movie is about the most eventful thing I usually do outside of the house. The thing is, I dont know how to be a good friend I realize the mistakes I make, but Im so miserable all the time, that when someone has come into my life, I expect too much of them. If someone does start befriending me, Ill have thoughts like how often should I text them? Am I bothering them too much? Do they think Im annoying? Did I say too much? Am I being too honest? Should I be sorry for asking them something too soon? Am I being too pushy? These are the kind of thoughts that always go through my head! I am damned if I pursue friendships/relationships because Im no good at it and Im damned if I dont because Ill always be alone.
It has been so difficult in my life to have confidence, or a good self image. I am so unhappy with the way things are, but I am also lacking ambition because of my depression as well. Living with my parents at my age has never helped me try to feel confident with women, because men arent supposed to live with their parents anymore at my age :/ I just have had much of a choice in the matter, because I help them out financially, and I can never seem to save money for myself. I love my parents, but they tie me down so much. Of course whenever I try to talk to my mother about this, she just gets hurt feelings I upset her today without meaning to, because I told her I didnt want to exercise with her in public. Im always with them, and never with peers, its an issue of my own I guess, and I probably did come off sounding like as much of an asshole as she thinks I did.
The obvious thing that has made me depressed for a long time in my life is obvious for any man in their late 20s like me. I hate not having a girl in my life either. I keep thinking about how Im approaching my 30s, and Ive never had a real relationship. I hate that the only sexual encounters in my life have been mistakes, and to never be cared for. To put it simply, sometimes I just want someone to hold me.
The recent situation that ended up making me go into this state of a mental break down was of course a girl. I will admit that I made horrible impulsive decisions that made me look like an asshole. At the same time, a social worker I spoke with recently just said that my heart was in pain so its understandable. I made a friend with a girl who I used to work with. I dont remember how we ended up talking so much, but we were talking for a good while, and she really got to know me pretty well. So well in fact, that she knew about my depression, and things that were bothering me that I would normally not tell people I know because Im embarrassed. At the same time, I thought we kinda clicked really well. She said she enjoyed talking to me, but she also liked helping me sort through my problems because she wanted to help. She was the person who convinced me that I should look into low income clinics, where I might finally be able to get therapy for my depression. I always thought I couldnt get help, because I make shitty money. We also had similar interests, never met a girl who was into some of the silly shit I was into. She went out with me, and introduced me to her friends. Sharing what we shared with each other, I felt like it just made sense that I developed feelings for her, I couldnt help it. She had a boyfriend when we first started talking, but she had been broken up with him for a while, and finally gotten to the point where she was over him. I didnt express any interest in her, until I felt like she seemed ready. At some point, I asked her if shed be interested in pursuing a relationship as usual, she told me about another guy who we both used to work with that she had developed mutual feelings for.
It was pretty much at this point I had a complete emotional breakdown, and I wasnt very good at hiding it. I was crying, and angry to the point where I didnt know what else to feel anymore. Even though I was upset that I didnt feel I had a chance with her anymore, that wasnt only what bothered me. What bothered me is that this felt like the story of my life. I never get the girl. Ive befriended girls before, and I can remember a time in high school where I had a girl as a friend who I developed feelings for, but instead of giving me the chance for a relationship, she went out with a womanizing asshole, who not only cheating on previous girls, but cheated on her as well. Similar situations always seemed to happen in my life, and that was a big part of why I was upset, because it happened to me yet again.
Here comes mistake number 1, I expressed on facebook that I was upset, and I felt like no one cared in my life. (bear in mind, I only had like 20 people on my fb account, and most of them are family, or friends of family, and couple former coworkers). There were a few people who came out to post, about oh we care, but it just felt like pity. The girl who I was upset about also started commenting though, and I felt like she was attacking me. She acted like I didnt appreciate how she tried to be there for me, and that she was there to talk with me the past months. I had to defend myself from her, and tell her I wasnt unappreciative of her friendship, its just that it didnt feel like something I could talk to her about. This was the first time she ever got upset with me, and all I did was act hurt. I didnt directly act jealous up until that point, but I did eventually. She eventually was alright with how sorry I was for not sounding like I appreciated her friendship, but I told her what I just explained. How this kind of thing always seems to happen to me where I never even get a chance to date someone.
No matter how many people said they cared, I still couldnt stop crying for days. It didnt matter that some people on facebook who barely talked to me said that they cared once I still felt alone. I couldnt stop being upset, and crying, and that sometimes led to me getting angry. What I always end up doing when Im upset and alone, is I always let one thought lead to another so my depression about this situation brought up feelings of being sad about my childhood like being bullied, my parents never being there, how friend in high school hurt me. Every single day I just got upset for seemingly no reason, other than I was left alone with my thoughts to build up, and Id get depressed and angry. I started thinking of ways to take my own life never acted on them, but the thoughts alone were terrifying to me because I have never felt that way my whole life prior.
Here comes mistake number 2, in a fit of anger I messaged the guy that is seeing the girl I developed feelings for. I blamed him for my wanting to commit suicide, that why did he have to be the one to get her? I was upset, because he had someone. He had a fiancé he proposed to only 6 months ago, and broke up with her not even a month ago. Now I see why they broke up, since it sounded like these 2 started having mutual feelings in 2 months ago. I still admit though, that its not their fault, but when I messaged him, I blamed him for everything. At first I was angry with him, but he seemed like he was being so nice I had also considered him a friend before this, and he seemed so understanding, and not upset with me he explains why their relationship started, and that pointed out to me all the mistakes I had been making. It was like a revelation to me, because he was right. I was fucking up my own life even before this situation, and he knew it. I apologized to him with all my heart, and I felt like a fool for acting as jealous as I did. I begged him also just to not mention this to the girl, because I was trying to maintain a friendship, and become a better person.
For the first day in almost a week, I felt like I had stopped crying. I was seeing how stupid I was, and trying to move on, because I saw how stupid it was for me to be jealous of their relationship, and to move on. I wanted to stay being friends, and I wanted to get therapy to work out my depression, but then again I got attacked later in the day. I dont know what happened, but the guy, must have told the girl that I tried taking my own life, and she was upset about this. She was pissed that I didnt care how she felt. She was also blaming me for something I didnt understand about how they were trying to keep their relationship a secret, but I broke that trust when she told me. I admit I got upset by the whole situation, but I never told anyone that it involved her and him. Some people may have known it involved my feelings for her, but I never said hey! These 2 are going out! never. Even more, is they were blaming me for the guys ex-fiance calling him up that day, and having a screaming match for 45 minutes supposedly she mentioned my name, and said that I talked to her, which was not true! I never even met the person before in my life. I dont know how she knew anything about me! After this, even though I wanted to try staying friends with her she told me I hurt her, that Im selfish, and that I didnt care about her feelings, and that she doesnt think I could ever be a better person. I felt like I was being kicked when I was down She might be right that I acted like a stupid fool at times, but I dunno  I was upset, and if she really was my friend, why did she leave me when I was at my worst. I had told her some intimate details about myself, and she was never upset or disgusted with me. Yet when it involved her, she no longer can handle it?
Thats been kinda the story I dont know how to feel anymore. It wasnt until I met this girl that I was hoping to turn things around get therapy, be happy for a change instead it has just led to me having the worst emotional breakdown of my life, and unable to find a shred of joy in anything anymore. It has had the opposite effect on my life, and Im completely lost. As I mentioned briefly, I did see a social worker before, and she was so concerned about me, she moved up my appointment with a therapist to this week, but it really hurt me when I was told by the girl that she didnt think Id ever get better. I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and still just as shitty every night about this whole situation. I havent eaten all day because I have no appetite, even though my stomach is empty. Like Ive said, I admit and accept all of my mistakes. I know Im in the wrong on feeling certain feelings, and acting on stupid impulses. I dont want to be the person I have become, but I feel like Ive been this way for so long, that I dont know how to change, or if theres even any hope for me.
Thats my story im sorry it was so long, I tried to shorten it as much as I could..
Collete
Member
If I had my own place, I'd probably help you. Unfortunately I live with my parents here. I don't know how I can help...I can never help anyone.....
Edit: Yuri, I'll read your story tomorrow morning.
Yeah, but is it wrong to indulge in a little guilty pleasure every now and then?
I have close to zero experience with girls, but from the sounds of it, I'd guess that the girl in question is a total bitch. Getting angry at you because you were feeling down? Talking about HER feelings when she heard that you wanted to commit suicide? Saying you betrayed her trust, when that was a complete lie? I don't know much about it, but I think you'd be way better with her out of your life.
I hope the therapy can help you. You certainly don't look like a selfish asshole to me at all. That girl, however, does.
Get out of here Izayoi, you're not allowed to be depressed. You are the idol AnimeGAF aspires to be!
Sniper McBlaze
Member
What the fuck is up with the self-loathing in this topic? Half of these posts aren't even about depression, it's about your inability to cope with your life and some of the shit going on in them. If you got a clinical depression I understand how you feel and how shitty everything must feel and you need to get help asap, but the other half of you lot just bitching about you not doing anything need to take this into your own hands. Go out there, do shit you enjoy normally. You will not enjoy them at first, but slowly you'll feel better and get out of that circle of shitty routines and self-loathing.
Got something in life you aren't satisfied with? Do something about it yourself because no one will come and save you.
tldr; feeling shit about shitty things in your life =/ depression
Got something in life you aren't satisfied with? Do something about it yourself because no one will come and save you.
tldr; feeling shit about shitty things in your life =/ depression
Well, I've pretty much given up on relationships entirely. I've tried literally everything and now I'm just... giving up. Fuck it, I'll be a goddamn hermit. I can't stand it anymore, I really just can't see myself ever finding someone who will work with me. Dozens of failed relationships and a constant emotional roller coaster that just never seems to stop. I'm fucking sick of it.
At least my Rift gets here in a couple weeks, I'll just live in that whenever I'm not working.
The thing about depression is that it makes you hate yourself and doubt that you can do anything about it! Funny how that works, isn't it?
And to think you're a Floyd fan...
Oh well, nobody said prog-rock was only for smart people.
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