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[Lego Boss]

I gotta say GAF, my life is currently in ruin. I recently discovered my wife had been having an affair with a coworker for 1.5 years. I found out, kicked her out of the house and we're probably going to get divorced. We have a 2 year-old (yes, she started an affair when we had a ~6 month-old) so it sucks even more.

This thread has made me feel a little better. I've been sticking to my guns about us being done forever but it's not easy...it's hard to let go even when you've been treated like shit. Good to hear that's normal.

Listen, that's rough and it's not going to help when I say that it's not unusual for someone to start an affair after a major life event. She may have wanted someone to tell her how beautiful she was (not that you weren't, but it somehow feels fresher and more meaninhful from someone 'new') and she may have been getting the attention that she craved from him.

It's not right, but don't make those huge decsions until you have talked it through. communication has to be the central issue here and if you feel your marriage is worth saving (even a little) then it's worth the effort. It might not work, but if you don't try, you can only know that it didn't. If you do try and it doesn't work at least you know that you tried.

PM me if you want.

 

[Galang]

The expose that just happened. I need to see what happens next! This thread is messy in a good way

 

[DontBeThatGuy]

Thanks. The kid is okay. We switch her off every couple days. My estranged wife is a good mother to her, aside from forever shattering her way of life and denying her the luxury of having both parents around full-time ever again.


That's so fucked up. Especially when the betrayed partner is a good catch, like this girl in the video, or me. I was a great husband.

It's always in the back of my head, because It's hard to get over just how disrespectful that shit is, and the fact that years of her life were wasted on this asshole. His deceit game was truly second to none.

 

[TangerineCloud]

Re: the video in the OP https://twitter.com/RJJ954/status/832030099927076864

 

[pablito]

Yeah it's a heartbreaking video and she's adorable and all that. I can understand forgiving a cheater, and trying to make it work after that. I've been through it.

But they're finally done. Living far apart...and she's still talking to the dude? Just end it at that point. Some people may not care, but it could look risky to her next relationship that she's keeping contact with a dude that cheated on her so many times that he couldn't even give her an estimate.

Start getting to know each other. "Yeah my last relationship ended horribly. He cheated on me so many times he couldn't even remember how many. "

"We talk on a regular basis though."

Fucking. Pause.

 

[Yoritomo]

I don't associate with anyone that I find out cheats.

Lost a buddy last year because of it.

Don't have time or care to cover for their ass when their woman texts me asking where they are, also don't want angry wives trying to get me to fuck them to repay what their husband did to em.

Messy bullshit all around. I don't need any of it in my life.

 

[ArkkAngel007]

No way that it is that extreme. The ignorance on display here is spellbinding (not only in your post, but across the board). It is much more likely that the person, or relationship is missing something.

Most people don't even want to cheat (certainly not sexually), they find themselves being listened to, appreciated or valued unlike they are in their own relationship. They find that they have emotionally crossed the line AND THEN sexually, which is the opposite of how it happens in 'conventional' relationships.

The victim/guilty party dichotomy just doesn't apply anymore. Realtionships are complex and affairs even more so given as they involve a third party and secret lives, there really needs to be a new understanding of the paradigm around cheating.

Also, attributing it to mental illness, is reductive and insulting to those who have a mental illness and to those who have been involved in affairs.

A load of bull. You either work shit out or move on. If you can't communicate what's lacking in your relationship or marriage, or your partner can't be suceptive to your attempts, then separate and move on.

No it's not simple (Going through a divorce due to this very subject), but it's not an excuse. The affair shouldn't be taking place at all.

Edit: Thread didn't load up, but it still stands.

 

[Whompa02]

.

Dude. Break up with her. Stop this shit, man. You have no idea how emotionally destructive you're being.

 

[njean777]

No way that it is that extreme. The ignorance on display here is spellbinding (not only in your post, but across the board). It is much more likely that the person, or relationship is missing something.

Most people don't even want to cheat (certainly not sexually), they find themselves being listened to, appreciated or valued unlike they are in their own relationship. They find that they have emotionally crossed the line AND THEN sexually, which is the opposite of how it happens in 'conventional' relationships.

The victim/guilty party dichotomy just doesn't apply anymore. Realtionships are complex and affairs even more so given as they involve a third party and secret lives, there really needs to be a new understanding of the paradigm around cheating.

Also, attributing it to mental illness, is reductive and insulting to those who have a mental illness and to those who have been involved in affairs.

Not trying to insult, but most cheaters do have psychological issues like was stated. Relationships that are "missing something" is way too easy of an explanation to the guilty party. That is just the baseline explanation. Well what is missing we may ask? The guilty parties constant running from, or ignoring of, their psychological issues. More often than not it is the guilty parties underlying psychological issues that made them the way that they are. abandonment issues from the past as a child (fear of being alone for any period of time, aka co-dependence, meaning they will try to seek out a partner at all times), narcism passed on from parents, and or their environment, (which leads to always wanting more supply for their narcissistic personality, sex and affairs included), Sociopathy is a bit more extreme I must say, but sociopaths give no fucks about anybody but themselves so they see nothing wrong with cheating. Psychopathy is even more extreme, but isn't as common.

When somebody just says "missing something"the are ignoring what could have went on in peoples pasts, which usually brings forth personality disorders in their future, and just trying to cover up something they themselves do not want to come to terms with.

Also just saying everything I said was ignorant is quite rude. You cannot just throw out personality disorders and mental illnesses and just say "Nope the relationship was missing something, end of story". I am not ridiculing or even saying anything negative about people with the disorders. I myself suffer from OCD, and depression brought on from OCD. Why would I even begin to ridicule or attack anybody with a mental disorder?

 

[JJMorris]

Forget this guy, he doesn't really care. He looks like an unfinished play-doh sculpture which is probably why he is a half-finished human being with half-assed emotions.

 

[Lego Boss]

A load of bull. You either work shit out or move on. If you can't communicate what's lacking in your relationship or marriage, or your partner can't be suceptive to your attempts, then separate and move on.

No it's not simple (Going through a divorce due to this very subject), but it's not an excuse. The affair shouldn't be taking place at all.

Edit: Thread didn't load up, but it still stands.

It doesn't add up. We are obsessed with monogamy, and yeet most people cannot be monogomous in spite of wanting to be. You are right, the affair shouldn't be happening, but as was said in The Affair, an affair is a symptom, not the disease.

If the underlying problems can be treated, then relationships can be saved. I am sorry that is not happening in your case, but it is not always the case in every realtionship.

And you're right, communication is the key issue here. However, if your partner can't/won't then perhaps it is time to move on, but surely before pulling the trigger, all availabale options should be considered?

 

[Spiritwalker]

Cheating on my girlfriend throughout the last two year is the main reason we're still together.
She's a great girl, great sense of humour and personality, but we don't see each other enough and when we do our sex life is pretty drab,

Sleeping with other women behind her back just came naturally to me.

She isn't getting dick elsewhere, and she doesn't know what I've done behind her back.
She's seen messages on my phone from another girl in the past and I lied through my teeth to get out of her suspicion. I'm not proud of that, but it is what it is.

I recognise that makes me a hypocrite, but in all honesty, if I found out she slept with another man then I would leave her.

You're a bad person.

But at least you're man enough to come clean on a video game forum!

 

[Lego Boss]

Not trying to insult, but most cheaters do have psychological issues like was stated. Relationships that are "missing something" is way too easy of an explanation to the guilty party. That is just the baseline explanation. Well what is missing we may ask? The guilty parties constant running from, or ignoring of, their psychological issues. More often than not it is the guilty parties underlying psychological issues that made them the way that they are. abandonment issues from the past as a child (fear of being alone for any period of time, aka co-dependence, meaning they will try to seek out a partner at all times), narcism passed on from parents, and or their environment, (which leads to always wanting more supply for their narcissistic personality, sex and affairs included), Sociopathy is a bit more extreme I must say, but sociopaths give no fucks about anybody but themselves so they see nothing wrong with cheating. Psychopathy is even more extreme, but isn't as common.

When somebody just says "missing something"the are ignoring what could have went on in peoples pasts, which usually brings forth personality disorders in their future, and just trying to cover up something they themselves do not want to come to terms with.

Also just saying everything I said was ignorant is quite rude. You cannot just throw out personality disorders and mental illnesses and just say "Nope the relationship was missing something, end of story". I am not ridiculing or even saying anything negative about people with the disorders. I myself suffer from OCD, and depression brought on from OCD. Why would I even begin to ridicule or attack anybody with a mental disorder?

You are seeing the realtionship in purely binary terms and it's not really like that: people can want for things that they have stopped getting in a realtionship, but are not aware that they are even missing it. This can be something such as affection (hugs and kisses, intimate conversation) where they have tried (perhaps not hard enough) to address, but then have not been met with a positive response.

They might have a low conflict realtionship that appears OK on the surface, but is not addressing the needs that they have. It could be related to childhood, but Freud-by-numbers doesn't always cut it in an adult relationship: one person may want more in-depth talking, but is aware that the other partner is tired and then doesn't pursue it for not wanting to upset the other. This is acting altruistically, but then finding that what you thought was good for the other is actually undermining you as a couple.

I cannot know that you have a metal illness, but I do know that laying it at the door of individual problems from childood is probably just as dangerous as saying that the problem lies only with one person: both are easy excuses which overlook the complexity of realtionships where we are expected to be friends and lovers and parents and economic supports and emotional carers and exciting and stable all at the same time.

If that's what modern adult relationships look like, then it is no wonder that adults have problems with it. Putting that into a childhood problem is a quart into a pint pot exercise. It doesn't fit and it's not viable.

 

[JJMorris]

Cheating doesn't seem that taboo anymore. People at work openly brag about helping other people cheat. People will ask them how their fuckbuddy is doing, then ask if they've rubbed it in the dude's gf's face yet. dunno. This happens in an environment with highly paid professionals-- for some reason I thought people grew out of this high school drama but I guess even at the top you'll see this behavior.

Dunno. I get cheating, but I don't get point of being proud of it. Seems like an odd thing to be proud of?

You're in a terrible work environment, and that's your anecdotal experience. But that is not normal with any of the people I know. The only person that cheated in my social circles, got the quick boot and no one talks to her anymore.

 

[Bronx-Man]

Lol hopefully you're not fucking a side chick that name begins with B who lives close to you because then I know who you and her are.

RawNuts wept.

 

[ozz ex machina]

You're in a terrible work environment, and that's your anecdotal experience. But that is not normal with any of the people I know. The only person that cheated in my social circles, got the quick boot and no one talks to her anymore.

One friend of mine was chronic cheater and everyone thought he was a dick...but booting from your social circle because of it? How up your own ass must you be?

 

[njean777]

You are seeing the realtionship in purely binary terms and it's not really like that: people can want for things that they have stopped getting in a realtionship, but are not aware that they are even missing it. This can be something such as affection (hugs and kisses, intimate conversation) where they have tried (perhaps not hard enough) to address, but then have not been met with a positive response.

They might have a low conflict realtionship that appears OK on the surface, but is not addressing the needs that they have. It could be related to childhood, but Freud-by-numbers doesn't always cut it in an adult relationship: one person may want more in-depth talking, but is aware that the other partner is tired and then doesn't pursue it for not wanting to upset the other. This is acting altruistically, but then finding that what you thought was good for the other is actually undermining you as a couple.

I cannot know that you have a metal illness, but I do know that laying it at the door of individual problems from childood is probably just as dangerous as saying that the problem lies only with one person: both are easy excuses which overlook the complexity of realtionships where we are expected to be friends and lovers and parents and economic supports and emotional carers and exciting and stable all at the same time.

If that's what modern adult relationships look like, then it is no wonder that adults have problems with it. Putting that into a childhood problem is a quart into a pint pot exercise. It doesn't fit and it's not viable.

I agree, and when looking at my original statement I worded it incorrectly. I should not have said that it is always a psychological issue because it isn't. Not all cheating stems from psychological issues, and I shouldn't have said that. I was projecting my past experience with a girl and let that get the better of me.

 

[ant_]

You're in a terrible work environment, and that's your anecdotal experience. But that is not normal with any of the people I know. The only person that cheated in my social circles, got the quick boot and no one talks to her anymore.

I hate cheaters too. I've been cheated on. I'd still never excommunicate someone from my life because they cheated. That's fucked.

She dated my brother for six years, for another individual who is worse in every possible way. And she lied about it every step of the way.

And that is a work environment, not your social circle. Friends don't do that to each other.

Get some context before you start throwing insults.

Given the full story, completely understand your viewpoint now. To be fair, you didn't provide full context before. You're right; the context makes your decision completely understandable.

 

[Kaizer]

Lol hopefully you're not fucking a side chick that name begins with B who lives close to you because then I know who you and her are.

😱😱😱

 

[JJMorris]

One friend of mine was chronic cheater and everyone thought he was a dick...but booting from your social circle because of it? How up your own ass must you be?

She dated my brother for six years, for another individual who is worse in every possible way. And she lied about it every step of the way.

And that is a work environment, not your social circle. Friends don't do that to each other.

Get some context before you start throwing insults.

 

[Kenstar]

She dated my brother for six years, for another individual who is worse in every possible way.

And that is a work environment, not your social circle. Friends don't do that to each other.

Get some context before you start throwing insults.

you've gotta be nice and accepting to the alt rightcheaters or you're no better than them

 

[JJMorris]

you've gotta be nice and accepting to the alt rightcheaters or you're no better than them

Thank you. And it's not like I treated her with disrespect when it was going down, that doesn't help anyone. We still keep in touch with some of her family members. Just nobody talks to her, because they don't care to. Not because they are trying to punish her.

Given the full story, completely understand your viewpoint now. To be fair, you didn't provide full context before. You're right; the context makes your decision completely understandable.

You're good. I was replying, originally, in more of the context of people shouldn't be celebrating and encouraging cheating, and not about why people cheat.

 

[MayMay]

Cheating on my girlfriend throughout the last two year is the main reason we're still together.
She's a great girl, great sense of humour and personality, but we don't see each other enough and when we do our sex life is pretty drab,

Sleeping with other women behind her back just came naturally to me.

Ahaha, holy shit you're human trash.

 

[matt05891]

I will never condone or accept any excuses for cheating.

That being said it is easier then you think and comes out of nowhere. Plus for most people it's a one night stand thing and that is over before they realized it began. No I have never cheated but have been cheated on and I can see and appreciate how easy it is as these opportunities seem to be more and more frequent as I climb toward 30.

Definitely advise those who have considered it or been tempted by that gorgeous fruit to just find someone with a higher sex drive; even insanely high at first so you can try to get that LTR(hopefully for that eventual union?)to stay in the high frequency range if that's what you want/need.

If you cheat you made your bed and you will eventually sleep in it. You lit that timebomb.

 

[dickroach]

"why wouldn't you just leave"
"i dunno... i think i was like stupid"

yup

i think this video isn't about him betraying her, it's about her not wanting to accept it. he dgaf

 

[Yoritomo]

I suppose when they involve you it's a good reason to drop them.

But the bolded are pretty wtf.


My husband and I actually talked about this last night-- whether or not our marriage could recover from cheating. I honestly feel like I'd probably forgive him in certain circumstances, like if the chick was really cool and he and I hadn't had sex for years and I worked all the time and never saw him, etc. I mean, at that point our relationship would have other problems, but to me it's honestly understandable.

One of em knew that her man was stepping out. I think she did it to seek validation and she had a bit to drink.

I think it's just one of those proximity things, which is why I don't associate with anyone that cheats or claims to cheat. I got too much of a good thing going to fuck it up.

There's a shit ton more to the story but I prefer to just move on.

 

[Ricky Ricardo]

I will never condone or accept any excuses for cheating.

That being said it is easier then you think and comes out of nowhere. Plus for most people it's a one night stand thing and that is over before they realized it began. No I have never cheated but have been cheated on and I can see and appreciate how easy it is as these opportunities seem to be more and more frequent as I climb toward 30.

Definitely advise those who have considered it or been tempted by that gorgeous fruit to just find someone with a higher sex drive; even insanely high at first so you can try to get that LTR(hopefully for that eventual union?)to stay in the high frequency range if that's what you want/need.

If you cheat you made your bed and you will eventually sleep in it. You lit that timebomb.

See, I've been cheated on and I've cheated. I own up to that.

But I contest the notion that it is easier than one might think to do it. The decision to have sex with someone is a very conscious (unless you're drunk) one. You don't just fall into a frenzy of thrusting and undulating without any sort of mental check/warning and that also goes doubly for when you're involved with someone sexually who is not your partner/spouse/significant other.

Now you can shut off those warnings with enough practice, but the fact remains, it's a conscious choice, the decision to cheat. You make it out of selfishness, but its a choice nonetheless. That's what separates us the all of the other mammals on the planet. The fact that we are capable of self-awareness and can choose to operate on logical reasoning skills, rather than primal, lustful instincts.

There are people who can see the forest AND the trees and disengage themselves before things get slippery. Those who don't makes such choices, are still making choices; choices to tend to their own wants and desires, no matter what the cost.

 

[rjinaz]

I actually know more women that have cheated than men in my life. It's not some "man" thing all men secretly want to do, despite what some cheaters in this thread want to think. I have never once considered cheating on a person I was with and I never would. Because if I'm not happy, I'd break it off, I actually respect other people and treat them how I would be treated.

But ist's also not easy to break up with somebody that cheated on you for some. My Brother got cheated on by his wife. She did it for a year. They had a 2 year old son at the time. My Brother found out about it on his birthday after taking her phone while she was sleeping. This was about a year ago.

While they are currently not living together, they are still married and they spend all of their free time together when they have it. My Brother was pissed, but he loves her. He says they won't get back together but it's inevitable I believe. I feel bad for him because she turned out to be a shitty person and I know she'll do it again if the right guy comes along.

But, some people think with their hearts, they think it's better to be with somebody than without even if it's with a person you can't trust. I don't know what I would do, I think I would leave, but you never know until it happens to you I guess.

 

[Syder]

Cheating on my girlfriend throughout the last two year is the main reason we're still together.
She's a great girl, great sense of humour and personality, but we don't see each other enough and when we do our sex life is pretty drab,

Sleeping with other women behind her back just came naturally to me.

She isn't getting dick elsewhere, and she doesn't know what I've done behind her back.
She's seen messages on my phone from another girl in the past and I lied through my teeth to get out of her suspicion. I'm not proud of that, but it is what it is.

This guy here. Don't be this guy.

 

[kinggroin]

Cheating on my girlfriend throughout the last two year is the main reason we're still together.
She's a great girl, great sense of humour and personality, but we don't see each other enough and when we do our sex life is pretty drab,

Sleeping with other women behind her back just came naturally to me.

You aren't capable of handling a long distance relationship. Don't continue this. Unless she's allowed to "cheat" too, either find someone else, or stop and come clean.

Sneaking around and justifying it by saying it makes the relationship better is bullshit, and makes you a selfish coward.

 

[Pusherman]

You're in a terrible work environment, and that's your anecdotal experience. But that is not normal with any of the people I know. The only person that cheated in my social circles, got the quick boot and no one talks to her anymore.

I dunno. One of my close friends is a chronic cheater. He's the type of guy that constantly gets chased by women. Extremely attractive, charismatic, successful and in many ways a genuinely great, nice, guy. But he also cheats. A lot. Sleeps with taken women and has probably cheated on all his girlfriends. I always call him out on it and he knows where I stand when it comes to cheating but I have a hard time being too judgmental of him. We're in completely different situations and I have no idea how I would handle that kind of temptation. It's very easy for me to take the high ground. I think that's also why he often gets away with it and is forgiven. He's just living that life and so it becomes more acceptable.

 

[rothgar]

Lmao there's literally no way.

Yeah, but there's a small chance the side chick's name starts with a B and that will be enough to make the guy sweat :-D

 

[Randam]

His first response was, "Yea, I did all that, but like, YOU INVADED MY PRIVACY AND CHECKED MY EMAIL"

Classic fallback excuse for cheaters.

he didn't say that was the reason he did it.
he was asking why she didn't leave even though she saw all the proof.

 

[Randam]

Cheating on my girlfriend throughout the last two year is the main reason we're still together.
She's a great girl, great sense of humour and personality, but we don't see each other enough and when we do our sex life is pretty drab,

Sleeping with other women behind her back just came naturally to me.

so you will continue to cheat on her, for the rest of your lifes?

 

[The One and Done™]

It was either a brilliant and effectively acted bit, or real. It's pretty moving either way.

She deserves so much better.

Making a lot of assumptions about her.

 

[daffy]

lol gaffers stay trying to convert cheaters bahaha. you guys really think an unabashed cheater is going to let some e-pals show him the way?

 

[flozuki]

I gotta say GAF, my life is currently in ruin. I recently discovered my wife had been having an affair with a coworker for 1.5 years. I found out, kicked her out of the house and we're probably going to get divorced. We have a 2 year-old (yes, she started an affair when we had a ~6 month-old) so it sucks even more.

This thread has made me feel a little better. I've been sticking to my guns about us being done forever but it's not easy...it's hard to let go even when you've been treated like shit. Good to hear that's normal.

I am so sorry to hear that. Horrible :/

 

[Timedog]

You guys don't actually believe this is real, right?

Its actually a little too real for some.

 

[GhaleonEB]

I gotta say GAF, my life is currently in ruin. I recently discovered my wife had been having an affair with a coworker for 1.5 years. I found out, kicked her out of the house and we're probably going to get divorced. We have a 2 year-old (yes, she started an affair when we had a ~6 month-old) so it sucks even more.

This thread has made me feel a little better. I've been sticking to my guns about us being done forever but it's not easy...it's hard to let go even when you've been treated like shit. Good to hear that's normal.

I'm so sorry to read this. That's awful and you have my sincere condolences. Glad you're getting therapy, that is just brutal.

Making a lot of assumptions about her.

I watched the video and drew the conclusion that 1) she's gorgeous, 2) she forgave someone who cheated on her repeatedly, and 3) hopes she finds someone who wouldn't be the POS that the guy clearly was. What assumptions did I make?

 

[The Lamonster]

I'm so sorry to read this. That's awful and you have my sincere condolences. Glad you're getting therapy, that is just brutal.

Thanks Ghal

 

[Neptonic]

Lol hopefully you're not fucking a side chick that name begins with B who lives close to you because then I know who you and her are.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GEM OF A COMMENT

 

[daffy]

yeah bonnies and bettys were real quiet when that post dropped

 

[Tagyhag]

Feel really sorry for her, there's no excuse for cheating, it's that simple.

 

[Phatosaurus]

Lol hopefully you're not fucking a side chick that name begins with B who lives close to you because then I know who you and her are.


*edit: Sorry y'all, but when I read this thread at first, it was literally a few minutes after my coworker was talking yet again about the dude she's fucking (who has a gf) for the 100th time with someone behind me. I know all about this dude because she's also told me and everyone all about them, and the dude sounds a LOT like phanto (LDR, school, sex, subsequent posts etc). That was on my mind when I made the tongue in cheek comment.

It's a small world after all.

 

[maomaoIYP]

It's a small world after all.

BWAHAHA so it's true then?
Nice going Bunny

 

[No Love]

It's a small world after all.

BWAHAHA so it's true then?
Nice going Bunny

He's joking. If it was true he wouldn't even reply.

 

[Malyse]

He's joking. If it was true he wouldn't even reply.

People on GAF proudly don't shower; he absolutely would reply.

 

[Armadilo]

It's a small world after all.

Jesus , it's like you want to get caught but you don't give a shit because you know that you won't. Just like that guy in the video.

Fuck

 

[Permanently A]

It's a small world after all.

bunny pls end this man whole career

 

[Messofanego]

Lol hopefully you're not fucking a side chick that name begins with B who lives close to you because then I know who you and her are.


*edit: Sorry y'all, but when I read this thread at first, it was literally a few minutes after my coworker was talking yet again about the dude she's fucking (who has a gf) for the 100th time with someone behind me. I know all about this dude because she's also told me and everyone all about them, and the dude sounds a LOT like phanto (LDR, school, sex, subsequent posts etc). That was on my mind when I made the tongue in cheek comment.

It's a small world after all.

Wait, is this receipts time?!