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I found out I got a girl pregnant, advice?

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O

operon

Member
zbarron said:
To the OP: I was 22 when I got my (now) wife pregnant, and became a father at 23. He is 4 now and we are expecting our second next year. I do think that being a parent is one of the hardest things you can do but I also found out that I was capable of far more than I thought I was. I have the benefits of being with the mother of my child in a wonderful loving relationship, but if she decided to keep the child you should consider being a responsible father and split parenting time. I am so glad that I am a father and love my son more than I knew I could.


Have I told you lately that I love you?


The difference is they aren't a family. They aren't even dating, let alone committed.


A part of me advocates option 2 with the government picking up the tab. There are already a lot of options out there to give financial aid to single parents. Also in a large way it would be better for the single parent because child support payments are often late and insultingly small, compared to from the government where it would be reliable and calculated to be the correct amount. This also has the added benefit of being the most "fair" to all involved. The parent has all of the responsibility but all of the parental rights and the help needed. The child has a parent who loves them and wants to be in their life and also the financial help to make sure he or she gets what he or she needs. The person who doesn't want the child doesn't have to have the child. In this scenario everyone involved wins. While this would take money from taxpayers I feel eventually it would even out with less people in jail for child support payments and less children growing up in poverty or with parents that do not want to be there, giving them a better chance to be productive members of society. This option truly is the one with the best interests of the child in mind.

On the flip side, this is option opens up so many avenues for abuse. A man can do this over and over and have 30 of his biological offspring out there and have no legal responsibility to them. A mother could in a similar way have a child from any man she sleeps with and have the government pick up the tab every single time. Essentially it would encourage bad behavior which laws try not to do.
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Option 2 welcome to the uk, except its not fair on the taxpayer who picks up the tab for feckless idiots who can't use a condom.
 
W

werks

Banned
Nabbis said:
Im sure you can make that fact once you are the king of the world, alas...



It's not a perfect solution but just the same way biology is not the same between a man or a woman. You haven't really provided a logical justification on why im wrong aside from "i don't like it".
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Your entire argument is ridiculous. Let's focus on the equality of the situation.

1. Both the man and woman have equality in having unprotected sex
2. If a baby is conceived, the man doesn't have equal say in abortion because the baby is in the woman's body. The woman has agency to decide what to do with her body.
3. After the baby is born, the financial obligation is to the child. Both parties have the same obligation to provide for the child. If the child is raised by the mother, the dad pays child support for the child. If the child is raised by the dad, the mother pays child support for the child.

The only time there isn't equality is when the mom is pregnant, because they don't have equal burden during pregnancy. You are making a false argument regarding child support because both parents have an equal financial obligation to the child.
 
P

Pusherman

Member
The people saying "you made a mistake, now be responsible" aren't being old-fashioned religious zealots relishing in the consequences of someone else's mistake but understand that this 'mistake' will be an actual human fucking being tied to the OP in the most intimate way possible. You're goddamn right OP should be responsible.

OP right now you can't do anything but tell her how you feel about this while ultimately still supporting her decision. If she decides to keep the child be there for her and your child, preferably not just financially.
 
J

Jinkies

Member
Be honest in the situation. If you aren't ready to have children, do not raise this child. If you do not love this woman, do not marry her.

Explain yourself clearly to her, so she can make the choice to either go through this alone or abort the pregnancy.
 
O

Opiate

Member
Nabbis said:
Don't see the difference, they didn't want to get pregnant. The only reason it's unprotected is because they were drunk and not of sound minds.
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I agree with your general sentiment -- the fact that the sex was unprotected is irrelevant given the fact that the father actively doesn't want it and isn't involved with the woman, which is a very bad starting point for raising a child. From a practical perspective, telling the father "too bad for you" isn't just punishing the father, it's punishing the eventual child who will have to grow up in a very discontent family.

But people don't become absolved of responsibility because they were drunk. In fact, you could make an argument this makes it worse, in the same way that when someone kills another person while driving drunk, we don't say "oh he was drunk so it's a terrible thing but he wasn't of sound mind," we say "this is even worse."

He may not have been of sound mind when he was drunk, but he was of sound mind when he decided to get drunk.
 
T

Triggerhappytel

Member
Dilly said:
I have not formed an opinion about the OP's situation, I was merely discussing his feelings of not wanting to raise a child.
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That's fair enough. Sorry - I thought you were speaking from the angle of men not having to pay child support if they didn't want the baby. I've no problem with your opinion.
 
G

Gravy Boat

Member
Opiate said:
I agree with your general sentiment -- the fact that the sex was unprotected is irrelevant given the fact that the father actively doesn't want it and isn't involved with the woman, which is a very bad starting point for raising a child. From a practical perspective, telling the father "too bad for you" isn't just punishing the father, it's punishing the eventual child who will have to grow up in a very discontent family.

But people don't become absolved of responsibility because they were drunk. In fact, you could make an argument this makes it worse, in the same way that when someone kills another person while driving drunk, we don't say "oh he was drunk so it's a terrible thing but he wasn't of sound mind," we say "this is even worse."

He may not have been of sound mind when he was drunk, but he was of sound mind when he decided to get drunk.
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He wasn't trying to argue the point that the OP shouldn't be involved in the child's life, everyone sort of agree that's his choice. The guy you quoted was arguing that he shouldn't be financially responsible, simply because he doesn't want a child.
 
K

Keri

Member
ApharmdX said:
If the child cannot survive without that support, then perhaps mom should have exercised her right to choice prior to that child's birth, or even after?
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That's all well and good, but if there's a hungry, starving child, are you going to tell them: "Sorry Timmy, looks like your mom shouldn't have had you." You can't punish children for the irresponsibility or even criminality of their parents.

ApharmdX said:
Then let support go to the state, and have the state provide for the needs of the child (food stamps, subsidized housing, health care, etc.). While the right to support is the right of the child, in most US states, not all, since the monetary support goes to the mother, there is widespread abuse.
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Zornack said:
It would work fine in a socialist state where the financial needs of the child are guaranteed to be met by the government.
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Right now, if a mother seeks welfare benefits from the state, the state demands the name of the biological father, in order to recoup it's losses. The only way "paper abortions" work, is if we evolve into a truly socialist state, which I'm not sure will ever happen. Either the biological father helps cover the costs of basic care for his child, or we all pay significantly higher taxes, to cover the costs of all children. The reason I don't see this system ever developing, is because: (1) This country isn't keen on socialism to begin with; and (2) Most people believe that biological fathers (and not general taxpayers) should be financially responsible for their children.
 
t-storm

t-storm

Member
Nabbis said:
Don't see the difference, they didn't want to get pregnant. The only reason it's unprotected is because they were drunk and not of sound minds.
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Bullshit. I don't care how drunk one gets, no one suddenly forgets/becomes unaware of what happens when you don't put a condom on.

Which makes the point that they didn't want to get pregnant completely irrelevant.
 
R

RoninChaos

Member
Nabbis said:
Don't see the difference, they didn't want to get pregnant. The only reason it's unprotected is because they were drunk and not of sound minds.
Click to expand...

People who drive drunk don't intend to kill people either but it happens. Handwaving it off with "But they were drunk" is a really, REALLY weak argument.
 
I

IchigoSharingan

Member
Hylian7 said:
Have you never had, or heard of a pregnancy scare before? Girl feels like she might be pregnant, or her period is late for whatever reason, or you know, maybe taking one after having unprotected sex because I hear that has a pretty good possibility of pregnancy.
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Doesn't make sense. Please correct me if I'm wrong:

A woman normally ovulates on the 10th-15th day after her period begins.

Best time to make babies is 3 days unprotected before the ovulation.

Say they fucked on the 14th day, she probably wouldn't get preggo. It would take the sperm 3 days to get there.

Assuming the line above doesn't matter. It'd be too early to 'feel' she missed her period reasonably enough to warrant getting a test, unless she was super paranoid about their drunken brouhaha.


McGreevious said:
He wasn't trying to argue the point that the OP shouldn't be involved in the child's life, everyone sort of agree that's his choice. The guy you quoted was arguing that he shouldn't be financially responsible, simply because he doesn't want a child.
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Quite the immature argument to make. Why are people even bothering to respond to him?
 
K

kerotan_eater

Banned
Never ever get angry at her or be douchey about it. This is a very hard time for her.

Nonetheless, I believe you should stand your position firmly. It really comes down to how it affects her body. Abortions are from what little I gather, are nothing compared to an actual pregnancy - vaginal or c-section. At least this is what I assume, it's just a pill or a non-intrusive procedure.

If it is physically better for her, I don't see why you shouldn't stand your ground. Especially if you are already not sure about the relationship and not sure about having a kid who you might fuck up for the rest of his/her life by not being there enough or having the financial means to support it.

Any moral arguments don't work also because the fetus does not feel or think as far as I know (despite religious people claiming so). Also I've never read a study that suggested that having a child makes couples happier, as a matter of fact, I believe I have only read of the opposite.

They may also be incredibly intelligent and be the next rich and famous Bill Gates and make you eternally carefree or they could have severe physical or mental disabilities, and destroy your carefree existence in a lot of ways.

For me this is a deal-breaker, and the chances are low, but I still couldn't take the chance personally, and wrong as that may sound to people.

Anyway, like I said, it comes down to you having a strong position on this, backed up with the fact that you aren't ready, you likely will not be any happier, her body will go through some shit if she does and the child may suffer in the long run. Stand firm, but don't be a douche about it. Also don't forget to do a DNA test.
 
A

avengers23

Banned
hal9001 said:
czsMYtF.png
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Your old life?

tumblr_inline_nlahnaGpUW1qj69bf.gif
 
Cybrwzrd

Cybrwzrd

Banned
I'm going to weigh in here since I went through this and am well over 10 years into it.

I got my girlfriend pregnant 2-3 weeks before I broke up with her and moved back to the USA from Japan. The end was coming, we were not in love and since it was time for me to go back to the USA we were not going to pursue a long distance relationship.

She insisted on not having an abortion and I begged her to since I was in no financial place to take care of a baby, having just returned to the USA from school in Japan. She was not happy with me for asking her to abort. We had some serious fights over it. She refused to listen to my reasons - and still expected me to marry her.

So I married her. Got her a visa and she moved here. A woman I had dated for all of three months, and had a significant age gap with. (10 years my senior - I 23 her 33 at that time)

Our relationship has been garbage for all 10 years, but I have done my best to be a good father. It has been the literal definition of a sexless marriage. Neither one of us has ever forgiven the other - and I have even stayed with her through a cancer battle.

She took my youth and dreams and goals, I asked her to give up the one thing she ever wanted in life.

I am going to drop the divorce bomba on her very soon. I can't do it anymore. I feel like 10 years of my life were wasted. Not wasted on my son. Wasted being with a woman who I don't have a relationship with other than on paper.

So long story short, stand your ground. Get her to have the abortion. If she won't man up and be a father but don't marry her. She will never forgive you for asking her to abort if she wants to keep it.
 
I

iShouldGoPro

Member
Goldenroad said:
"Whatever you decide, I'm here for you". That's the answer.
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This is as good as it gets, OP.
We all know what you're going through. Either we have been in the same position or know someone personally that has but she is the one that deserves to make the last decision. It's her body and whatever she wants to choose is in her right.
Be supportive and stand strong.
 
Strangelove77

Strangelove77

Member
So anything different occur since this was posted yesterday? Any new developments or exciting twists? Any new characters? Give me something here.
 
G

Gravy Boat

Member
Cybrwzrd said:
I'm going to weigh in here since I went through this and am well over 10 years into it.

I got my girlfriend pregnant 2-3 weeks before I broke up with her and moved back to the USA from Japan. The end was coming, we were not in love and since it was time for me to go back to the USA we were not going to pursue a long distance relationship.

She insisted on not having an abortion and I begged her to since I was in no financial place to take care of a baby, having just returned to the USA from school in Japan. She was not happy with me for asking her to abort. We had some serious fights over it. She refused to listen to my reasons - and still expected me to marry her.

So I married her.
Click to expand...

How the hell did that happen?
 
M

Mauricio_Magus

Banned
Cybrwzrd said:
I'm going to weigh in here since I went through this and am well over 10 years into it.

I got my girlfriend pregnant 2-3 weeks before I broke up with her and moved back to the USA from Japan. The end was coming, we were not in love and since it was time for me to go back to the USA we were not going to pursue a long distance relationship.

She insisted on not having an abortion and I begged her to since I was in no financial place to take care of a baby, having just returned to the USA from school in Japan. She was not happy with me for asking her to abort. We had some serious fights over it. She refused to listen to my reasons - and still expected me to marry her.

So I married her. Got her a visa and she moved here. A woman I had dated for all of three months, and had a significant age gap with. (10 years my senior - I 23 her 33 at that time)

Our relationship has been garbage for all 10 years, but I have done my best to be a good father. It has been the literal definition of a sexless marriage. Neither one of us has ever forgiven the other - and I have even stayed with her through a cancer battle.

She took my youth and dreams and goals, I asked her to give up the one thing she ever wanted in life.

I am going to drop the divorce bomba on her very soon. I can't do it anymore. I feel like 10 years of my life were wasted.

So long story short, stand your ground. Get her to have the abortion. If she won't man up and be a father but don't marry her. She will never forgive you for asking her to abort if she wants to keep it.
Click to expand...

DUDE WHYYYYY, this is so sad :(

At least you've tried to be a good father but it's not worth it if you're not happy.
 
L

Lagamorph

Member
Question OP. Is it definitely yours?
You've said you're not in a relationship with this girl so do you know for sure you've been her only partner during the time?
 
C

ChouGoku

Member
I'm not forcing an abortion on anyone. I don't think I said she says she wants to have the kid she said she was unsure what to do. I understand why she was so unsure and we talked about it, it seem like we are going through with it, but there is a small sliver of doubt in my mind that makes me not completely confident
 
B

Brandwin

Member
Cybrwzrd said:
I'm going to weigh in here since I went through this and am well over 10 years into it.

I got my girlfriend pregnant 2-3 weeks before I broke up with her and moved back to the USA from Japan. The end was coming, we were not in love and since it was time for me to go back to the USA we were not going to pursue a long distance relationship.

She insisted on not having an abortion and I begged her to since I was in no financial place to take care of a baby, having just returned to the USA from school in Japan. She was not happy with me for asking her to abort. We had some serious fights over it. She refused to listen to my reasons - and still expected me to marry her.

So I married her. Got her a visa and she moved here. A woman I had dated for all of three months, and had a significant age gap with. (10 years my senior - I 23 her 33 at that time)

Our relationship has been garbage for all 10 years, but I have done my best to be a good father. It has been the literal definition of a sexless marriage. Neither one of us has ever forgiven the other - and I have even stayed with her through a cancer battle.

She took my youth and dreams and goals, I asked her to give up the one thing she ever wanted in life.

I am going to drop the divorce bomba on her very soon. I can't do it anymore. I feel like 10 years of my life were wasted.

So long story short, stand your ground. Get her to have the abortion. If she won't man up and be a father but don't marry her. She will never forgive you for asking her to abort if she wants to keep it.
Click to expand...

Kind of your fault, no?
 
G

grumble

Member
McGreevious said:
Oh wow, that sucks. You didn't need to marry her to be a good father, but I'm sure you know that now. I feel for you.
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In this case he might. If they split and she wants the kid and she goes to japan he will most likely never see his kid again. Even if he tries to stop her as soon as she goes to japan there is nothing he can do. I guess he could fly to japan and kidnap the child back but good luck.
 
Cybrwzrd

Cybrwzrd

Banned
grumble said:
In this case he might. If they split and she wants the kid and she goes to japan he will most likely never see his kid again. Even if he tries to stop her as soon as she goes to japan there is nothing he can do. I guess he could fly to japan and kidnap the child back but good luck.
Click to expand...


Yup. Not easy circumstances. Japan is not a signatory of the Hauge Convention on Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction.
 
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