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The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #32: Two Sides Of An Epic Coin Toss

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A

Ashes

Banned
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The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #32: Two Sides Of An Epic Coin Toss
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Theme: Two Sides Of An Epic Coin Toss
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Use the theme as your starting point, or completely seal it in the envelope of everything that falls under it's umbrella. <<< only possible in the land of metaphors!

Whether that be chance, fate and so on; or Heads & Tails, duality; or a pair; or perhaps even a conflict of interest. Or even money, value, etc etc etc

Interpret the theme however you want!
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Secondary Objective: Meter and Rhythm
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Learn em or relearn em. The Basic Elements that make up poetry. Show us what you can do with them.

Meter
Rhythm

Quick reminder: You are allowed a second eligible entry if you complete the secondary objective.
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Bonus
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Not challenging enough? Well erm... You got me. I got nothing really.

I know! Write two poems, toss a coin, and enter one!*

*Depending on the outcome of the toss of course, where one entry is allocated: heads, and the other is tails. Don't toss a coin and just enter one. :p

And the one you didn't enter? Well, it shall never see the light of day again. **

**Not for the faint hearted :(
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Poetry thread Rules version 1.2:
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1. This thread is not merely for winning or losing, but for critiquing and improving your own craft.
2. This poetry thread 'contest' will end on a Friday, and voting will last until Sunday at midnight. You cannot win unless you vote. Although you don't have to submit a piece to vote.
3. The winner must then provide the next challenge theme for the following two week period. Some weeks like during E3, this may not be possible, so we will have an interim one week period until normality is resumed. As a general rule, we like to keep this on the alternate week to the Creative Writing Thread.
4. There are no word count limits, make it as long or as short as you want.
5. Optional secondary objectives are not mandatory, you can include them or not.
6. Further addition to rule five: you can also try the secondary objective as a secondary piece. Just make sure you label it as such.
7. Vote for your favourite poems. Voters should award first, second and third places to their favourite three poems. Don't vote for the same author twice. And watch out for pieces that are labeled ineligible - comments on these pieces labelled as such are welcome but you just can't vote for them. Incidentally, feel free to vote even if you haven't submitted a piece - the more the merrier :)
8. During the count, First place is allocated three points. Second place is allocated two points. And third place is allocated one point.
9. In the event of a tie, the tally will be counted again with first place being allocated three and half points. If it isn't resolved then, it will be up to the OP (most likely the previous winner) to decide to how to go about things.
10. Winner gets a round of applause and will have the records stating it as such. After which Rule 3 is in effect and we start a new thread.

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Submission Deadline: (PST)
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The submission deadline is 11:59 PST, Friday 19th August 2011

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Voting Deadline: (PST)
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The voting deadline is 11:59 PST, Sunday 21st August May 2011

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The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Previous Challenges:
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Poetry Challenge #01: Reflection
Poetry Challenge #02: Making the Blind See (+ 5W poems)
Poetry Challenge #03: Interior (+ Incorporate a song or album title)
Poetry Challenge #04: History (+ Dream Song poems)
Poetry Challenge #05: A View From Afar or Within (+ Clerihew poems)
Poetry Challenge #06: The Surreal and the Fantastical (+ Haikus)
Poetry Challenge #07: Expectations versus Reality (+ Ode)
Poetry Challenge #08: Mirror's Edge (+ Rhymes)
Poetry Challenge #09: Look on the Bright Side (+ poem must end with _________________ as it's last line)
Poetry Challenge #10: Obsolete (+ Ink)
Poetry Challenge #11: Pride (+ Kanye West)
Poetry Challenge #12: Passing By (+ Allegory)
Poetry Challenge #13: Take this Society (+ Ballards)
Poetry Challenge #14: The Dark (+ Add Zombies to taste)
Poetry Challenge #15: The Great Winter (+ Elegy)
Poetry Challenge #16: What Nature Reclaims (+ Lay)
Poetry Challenge #17: Storm Clouds Rising (+ First Person)
Poetry Challenge #18: The Phoenix (+ Enjambment)
Poetry Challenge #19: Psychopomps (+ Assonance)
Poetry Challenge #20: Death in the Family (+ Limericks)
Poetry Challenge #21: A Night on the Town (+ Didactic Poems)
Poetry Challenge #22: A Letter to the World (+ Inside Outside Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #23: The Blues
Poetry Challenge #24: Space, Above & Beyond (+ Prose Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #25: Futurism (+ Avoid Technology)
Poetry Challenge #26: Prove you Exist (+ Lyrical Poetry)
Poetry Challenge #27: Love, Happiness, Peace, Summer & Pixar! (+ Couplets)
Poetry Challenge #28: Dying Earth (+ Blank Verse)
Poetry Challenge #29: War (+ Narrative/Epic Poems)
Poetry Challenge #30: Dreams (+ the return of First Person)
Poetry Challenge #31: At Gunpoint (+ Epic Poetry/Broetry)
 
A

Ashes

Banned
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The NeoGAF Poetry Society: Alumni's Archive
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A

Ashes

Banned
 
A

Amir0x

Banned
Great stuff. I'll write something up. I'm glad to be apart of these topics now, I've been browsing them forever but just kept being too busy to participate.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
A choice as an illusion
to the treaders of delusion
an immaculate collusion
between two varied solutions
 
I

iavi

Member
Awesome theme choice, Ashes. I've got a rough idea of where I'll go with it.

And Ankit! Where the hell have you been? These past few challenges missed you.
 
I

iavi

Member
Wander walks towards an Intro

Still;
Just how much more of this grass shall I meet?
Splintered blisters upon the soles of my feet,
Prove with pain the plenty paths I’ve traveled,
Along with the fact that,
In all of these travels I’ve proven nothing at all.
 
I

iavi

Member
Shallow Gouge

Among the flower field of failed bodies,
Bloodied bones,
Moved two sisters muddied,
Saddened faces with swords drawn.

With solemn words, the winds, and steel,
Swung first the sister, Fear,
“I’d sooner have your head,”
“Than shall you have the throne.”
“For, Sister, it’s not I of the wrong.”
“You claim me the devil,”
“But the devil’s only in those who desire me.”
“Like flint to the fire, see;”
“I‘m no more than the one who shan’t come to burn,”
“Without the solace of those who’ve yearned to come along;”
“I need a songstress to sing my song.”

“To find some melodic within the wrong,”
Perseveria laughed,
With her palm,
In the path,
Of a blade.

-----
 
I

iavi

Member
Hey Bootaaay, if you wouldn't mind, could you fix the title of "Wander walks with Lucidia" in the next challenge outline? I wouldn't have much cared if it weren't for the fact that her name plays into the theme.

I forgot to mention it in the last thread since I went ahead and edited the post myself.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Will do. If anyone notices any mistakes in the archive, please let me know. It's hard to spot things like that in a giant wall of BB code x_x

Got something in the works for this one, and I'm going back to rhyme. I feel like I've been having to force out my poetry recently, whereas rhyming has always felt more natural.
 
I

iavi

Member
Not much time left, people. Get em in BEFORE THE DEADLINE. lol, as many times as I mentioned that in the last thread, we still got one or two after the fact. Let's not see any ineligible entries this time.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
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Hometown Glory

The streets at night are empty,
the glass lays quietly still,
the buildings burn,
& stolen gear stays unreturned.

London's burning,
leaving only cinder
and fallen hope
one of us ignited.

Some see red,
and others blue.
'They' reach for black masks and a blacker bag,
while he, the man with a fallen son,
reaches for calmer seas, sails with
a white flag.

And the blame game,
plays on everybody's lips:
Whose to blame? who is to blame?
The chavs, the blacks,
the youth, the fatherless scum.
The Tories, the police,
the previous government.

Record labels fall,
the way of a family business,
crushed to the ground;
a barber shop is empty,
everybody is gone.
A woman jumps out of a burning building,
whilst people around her town,
steal, pillage, and loot.

A few come together,
to help one another;
understanding, that we live in
each other's pockets,
in the midst of boys,
who mug a poor lad they helped raise up.
Vigilante groups, sikhs & Turks,
defend their own,
while clapham common
find the broom, find the mop.

Full jails, and harsh sentences,
Where's the hope, where's the hope?
It burns like London did,
in a mishmash bonfire,
of everyone's thoughts.
 
A

AnkitT

Member
I chose a path
It was me who decided on it
I remember myself making it
I remember paving the road
I remember leaving it open

I created the situation
I knowingly sabotaged myself
Every event that lead to it
Every fork of destiny I broke off
Every bridge I burned to ruin the trail

I walked alone into the flames
Feigning surprise at every singe
The sacrifices made in lieu of comfort
The sacrifices in trade of my future
The sacrifices which do not matter now

I heard footsteps over the crackling pyre
Tears evaporated before ever existing
If only I had burned all the bridges
If only I had not led them to it
If only I had chosen a different path
 
N

Noaloha

Member
Hastily writ, fuelled by shiraz cab. Going for that iambic meter shit. Wish me luck.


The Party

Eye contact plus lull in chat.

And here it is
A single moment
Weighted
Loaded on potential

(Analogy: as of a tray of beers
arriving at the table)

What the future
holds for me
is walled up tight
in what next is.

The words arrive
You have them all

A sentence formed
An ideal start -
Her eyes a wall
that stalls it all.

My tongue is frozen
Mortified
I blink back stares

Her eyes say "Hi?"

Can I bring this
Back to life?
My party's future
Crystalised
Bereft of fate and fortune's die
This outcome teeters on a knife

My knife
I know
No separate cause
This fault
Is mine
One known well of

I inhale deep and visualise
Her sundress pale and
With a sigh
I say the words
With haste and I
Await a single moment.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Either or Or?

The tide crashed madeneningly
against the ragged stone shore,
that stretched far between
the sleepy towns of Either and Or.
On one side sat Either,
on the other sat Or,
and there placed between them,
upon the cold pebble floor
she asked again the question;
will it be Either or Or?
She had no reply.
There had to be more,
she was so very tired
of Either and Or.
So she sailed away
to look for something more,
to find adventure and love
on far distant shores,
somewhere beyond that horizon
on far flung shores,
somewhere far beyond
the sleepy towns of Either and Or.

Corpse Lights

I stood on the bridge, staring,
at the cobalt blue froth
that writhed down below.
The river a languid snake
slithering darkly away
and into the night.
The glow from the city
cast eerily upon the water,
pallid shades that flickered
and rippled with the tide,
alive upon shallow waves,
twinkling little corpse lights
that marked the warmth of life
behind the bleak, black curtain
of night amid my city.
 
S

soultron

Banned
Embodied in Copper

All things the same, and a new dawn not braved,
We'd still be here, with feelings not exchanged.

Gambling happenstance, emotions have changed hands,
We grew together as one in a list of well-laid plans.

Love and Learning were emblazoned on a coin we tossed,
One side wrought with ecstasy, and the other with loss.

With our luck in love lasting as long it could,
We soon learned to hurt, just as we should.

Yet as I tuck you into my pocket and look to my feet,
The next copper I find might be the next love I meet.

Hopefully that's a bit better.
 
N

Neutrality

Member
About a Queen


I'm sorry my dear I failed you
For I couldn't stop that sword from running through
Well it's been three weeks, since we've last seen your eyes
It has been three weeks, since we've last felt alive.

Well we took your body, down to the river
To wash your wounds, out in the water
And your last words were "take care of all my people!
And my friends" you said, "I'll see you again!
Yes I'll be the image, that graces some steeple built long from now
For though I may die, well my name will live on forever!"
And as your heart came to a slow, you said it's time to go
"and I won't make it home, at least not alive.
But promise me tonight, they'll be fires in my honor.
Yes promise me tonight, oh my darling knight
They'll be fires in my honor."

_____

This is shit and I realize that songs don't translate too well into poetry.
Also it's late and yeah I don't know.
 
M

Mengetsu

Member
Life Or Death

I flipped a coin once.
And as it flew up in the air, time slowed and it was as if someone could scare me shitless and give me a heart attack.
I was that focused.
Tails…
I flipped a coin twice.
Twice because I didn’t like the first flips result.
I knew what I had wanted but I knew it wasn’t good for me.
Heads…
I flipped a coin three times.
Three times because the first two results were different and I was going on a best two out three.
Still knowing what I wanted and still knowing it was bad for me I watched the coin fall to the floor.
It rolled on its side for what seemed like eternity.
Then it started to slow itself, as if taking a deep breath and making it’s final decision.
I squinted and followed it until it hit something and fell to one side.
Then… I laughed!
Heads!
I got what I had wanted.
Taking out the revolver from my pocket, I loaded it, closed and spun the chamber, then filled his head with all six bullets.
You see, My name is Two Face.
And your life depends on your luck.

I read the rules over unless I missed something then forgive me. This is my friends poem and she liked this concept and wanted to share her poem and just wrote it like 30 minutes ago. If i broke any rules im sorry and yes it's passed the deadline I understand.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Its cool. Remind her to crit and vote. Well vote at least. Can't win without voting!

ps. What username does she go by? Or initials?
 
I

iavi

Member
You weren't all that far over the deadline, I don't think it'll be all that big of a deal. It is, however, Ashes call in the end.

E: beaten. Guess you're all good!
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Miri said:
You weren't all that far over the deadline, I don't think it'll be all that big of a deal. It is, however, Ashes call in the end.

E: beaten. Guess you're all good!
Click to expand...

She promised me her first born. Or was that an internet cookie? I can never be sure.
 
M

Mengetsu

Member
Ashes1396 said:
Its cool. Remind her to crit and vote. Well vote at least. Can't win without voting!

ps. What username does she go by? Or initials?
Click to expand...

She doesn't have a Gaf account but when she goes to poetry events she always uses Divine as her name. If she must be a part of Gaf for it to count I totally understand. She just wanted to share her poem to everyone here out of good taste so I told her if it was ok I would post it for her. And yes ill vote on her behalf regardless:)
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Matts Legacy said:
She doesn't have a Gaf account but when she goes to poetry events she always uses Divine as her name. If she must be a part of Gaf for it to count I totally understand. She just wanted to share her poem to everyone here out of good taste so I told her if it was ok I would post it for her. And yes ill vote on her behalf regardless:)
Click to expand...

You can post on her behalf; that's cool. Glad you're gonna vote. Awesome stuff! But what I meant was that, in order for her to win, she has to vote; in other words: you have to post her votes too!

I posted my friend's poem once. And Tangent, who is a gaf member now, used to have her stories submitted in the creative writing thread.
 
M

Mengetsu

Member
Ashes1396 said:
You can post on her behalf; that's cool. Glad you're gonna vote. Awesome stuff! But what I meant was that, in order for her to win, she has to vote; in other words: you have to post her votes too!

I posted my friend's poem once. And Tangent, who is a gaf member now, used to have her stories submitted in the creative writing thread.
Click to expand...

Nice! Ok she's excited now so yea ill vote. How would I go about voting? I just want to make sure im doing it right.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Matts Legacy said:
Nice! Ok she's excited now so yea ill vote. How would I go about voting? I just want to make sure im doing it right.
Click to expand...


You'll see! ;)

Okay, its an hour past. I'm gonna post the nominations up shortly!
 
M

Mengetsu

Member
Ashes1396 said:
You'll see! ;)

Okay, its an hour past. I'm gonna post the nominations up shortly!
Click to expand...

Ok cool. She just made an account so she will wait the 3 month period for the mods to do their thing lol and she will be on here posting soon enough.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
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The Entries this week
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AnkitT - "Placeholder"

Miri - "Wander walks towards an Intro"

Miri - "Shallow Gouge"

Tim the Wiz - "Stardust"

Ashes1396 - "Hometown Glory"

AnkitT - "If only"

Toodles - "The Party"

Bootaaay - "Either or Or?"

Bootaaay - "Corpse Lights"

soultron - "Embodied in Copper"

Ashes1396 - "Mindless violence? F**k you! - A Youth Cut Rhapsody"
or "ANGRY YOUNG MEN"

Neutrality - "About a Queen"

Divine - "Life or Death"


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Voting Deadline: (PST)
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The voting deadline is 11:59 PST, Sunday 21st August May 2011

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Good luck!
 
I

iavi

Member
Matts Legacy said:
Ok cool. She just made an account so she will wait the 3 month period for the mods to do their thing lol and she will be on here posting soon enough.
Click to expand...

Awesome. Another regular in here wouldn't be too bad a thing at all. Hopefully it'll take only 3 months. Tell her to make sure that she used an acceptable email or her entry will be kicked back after months of waiting. It happened to me a few times, cause I'm that special kind of idiot.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
For people new to the thread:

* Crits and votes appreciated.
* To win you have to vote.
* Order your votes like thus:
1.
2.
3.
+ hm, if you have any.

* You have to have written the poem in the week that the challenge is set.
* You can vote even if you don't have an entry. All votes are appreciated.
* You cannot vote for the same author twice & you can't vote for your self obviously :p (A person did once try that in the creative writing thread!)
 
M

Mengetsu

Member
Miri said:
Awesome. Another regular in here wouldn't be too bad a thing at all. Hopefully it'll take only 3 months. Tell her to make sure that she used an acceptable email or her entry will be kicked back after months of waiting. It happened to me a few times, cause I'm that special kind of idiot.
Click to expand...

Yea she used her Collage email so she should be fine hopefully. I think ill join this too...i haven't written poetry in awhile but, ill see what happens. Iv been lurking here for almost 2 years and just got in 2 months ago. Iv seen some nice work here.

Edit:My votes.

1.Bootaaay - "Either or Or?"
2.AnkitT - "Placeholder"
3.soultron - "Embodied in Copper"
 
A

Ashes

Banned
For the person that just pm'd me, I might as well share it here as well. Yep, both my poems are about the London riots this week. Two different perspectives, but no, I'm not the youth in question, in the second piece. Creative fiction. :/ I nearly always retain a distance from my pieces. Its all about the poem; not me.

edit: Oh a vote has been cast already! awesome. :)
 
I

iavi

Member
[Crits]

Ankit - “Placeholder” - This was short, to the point, and with wordplay on point, but I wasn’t able to take anything else away from it. Instead of taking the theme and developing it, this just restated it. The name is ‘Placeholder,’ however, so you might already be thinking all of this.

TimtheWiz - “Stardust” - It took me a good few reads to try and understand exactly what this one was trying to say, and even then I’m not getting it. I’ve got a rough outline of the image & idea, but nothing at all solid, sorry. Would you mind telling me what exactly is was trying to portray? I’m interested.

Ashes - “Hometown Glory” - This had a lot of image, and was an interesting telling of some the emotions that can be felt during such the event, but it all felt so routine in its unfolding. I went into the piece expecting to be told of the turmoil and got just that. It didn’t surprise or stick with me in any way.

Ankit - “If Only...” - There’s an incredibly solid idea behind this one, but you didn’t do it justice with your prose, man. It reads as a blanket telling, which gets the job done, but doesn’t make for entertaining reading.

Toodles - "The Party" - Did you actually drop a clarification note in there? Haha! Your clarity needs a ton of work, but... surprisingly enough. I was able to take away from it well enough. Stick around in the thread. It'll all come together.

Bootaaay - “Either or Or” - Well ,it definitely seems as if the return of the rhyme did you good. It flows nicely, image is as strong as ever, and idea is at the forefront with incredible clarity--something that I felt was absent from your last few entries. Great showings!

Bootaaay - “Corpse Lights” - That’s an awesome title. Now, this one throws me for a HUGE loop. If it’s implying what I think it is, you did it beautifully, and it might just be the best I’ve seen from you yet. If not, I’ll say it’s sorely lacking in idea, but incredible in image. If there isn’t anything that tears me as much down the line, this one alone will have me holding onto my votes to think them over.

Btw, there really is such an incredibly brooding atmosphere in this ones. Fucking congrats.

Soultron- “Embodied in Copper” - This was a huge improvement from your first. You take a backseat with the image, but your idea is blazing clear, and phrased beautifully in areas. My only critique is that it jumps a little too fast. It was a cohesive effort overall, but it jumps from the 4th stanza to that beautiful 5th with little to no buffer in between.

Ashes - “ANGRY YOUNG MEN” - This was a lot of fun to read. It became a bit plodding towards the center, and it did have the horrible habit of feeling incredibly forced at moments, but it gathered into a pretty strong finish, and aptly conveyed the emotion you seemed to be going for. I’d try to convey the aggresivness within the writing rather than the punctuation next time.

Neutrality- “About a Queen” - This wasn’t as strong with its wordplay as your usual efforts at all, but the image was there, and idea was strong. It’s kind of typical in presentation, but it worked with me, lol. Setting porn. I’ve been in that kind of mood, as you can probably tell from my main entry.

Divine - “Life or Death” - This was actually kind of refreshing. Your phrasing, and overall presentation needs a ton of work, but it was light-hearted and consistently entertaining. Welcome to the thread! Hope it doesn’t take your account too long to get approved.


I still need to think my votes over. I'll add them in later.

*Added Toodles. Sorry about that.
 
I

iavi

Member
[Votes]

1. Bootaaay - "Corpse Lights" - Taking the title into account, I'm pretty sure that I got what you were going for, and I love it.

2. Soultron - "Embodied in Copper" - Great showings this time. Out of everything, your final stanza may be the one to stick with me most.

3. Ashes - "ANGRY YOUNG MEN" It was enjoyable, and felt like you attempting something way outside of your comfort zone. I definitely appreciate that.

HM: Ankit -"If Only..."
 
N

Noaloha

Member
Ooh, apologies. It largely slipped my mind that I entered this thread the other night, let alone submitted. Yay for half-drunken forum skipping and associated whimsy.

Some votes!

1. AnkitT - 'If only... // I like the structure and, importantly to my own tastes, the beat as read feels largely intuitive and natural. The lines fit snugly inside the poem's strict dimensions and the stresses, for the most part, bounce along. The subject's ground that's been tread countless times, but it all holds together thematically with that thread of fiery removal. Solid.
2. Tim the Wiz - 'Stardust // I enjoyed this thematically and I believe it has a few moments of genuinely satisfying syllabic play. I think sections of it could be handled with greater deft though. Oh and the roughshod rhyming appeals to me too.
3. Bootaaay - 'Either or Or? // The poem made me want to get my red editor pen out and draw some lines, plus I think the poem repeats itself in several ways to its own detriment, but the piece still had a lot of charm and light. I like the voice and tale its telling.


And Miri, I'm not 100% sure I understand what you mean by the 'clarification note'. Do you mean that parenthesised 'Analogy' ugly couplet? If so, that wasn't clarification in the poetry support sense. :p Think of it as far more some tangent in the thought process of the 'narrator'. (As an aside, just rereading it now and I was wondering what his words may have been that he was struggling to get out. I'm thinking he just wanted to say "I like your dress.")

But yes. No. The only actual reader clarification I added to that post was when I went back and added the title, just to give the reader an immediate setting to jump in from. The rest of that post was written strictly as is and left as was, an impulsive stream-of-thought piece mashed out into the screen before I could allow doubts to muscle in (which is the only way I ever do get my poeming on in truth). I'm quite happy with the poem myself (godawful title aside); the iambs come thick and fast (I do love me some da-DUMs), it is as loose and lo-fi as I could ever hope and the carnival mirror parity between its very last line and first full proper stanza pleases me in simple ways. :]
 
A

Ashes

Banned
AnkitT I - To the point, a very succinct effort.

Miri I - I thought of Shadow of the Colossus; and it was great short pieces, but the ending sort of falters...

Miri II - At first I thought it was a reference, but I didn't get the reference. I think I enjoyed it more earlier on in the week, when I first read it. In that in following reads, it gets confusing who is saying what to whom. Or whether there are actually one speakers or three. I liked it overall though; you got the epic feel spot on.

Tim - Something very mesmerising about this. I found it hard to picture at first, but the blame is purely on me, as the moments were so picturesque in quality. Everything is tucked in so neatly, so I don't really get the lack of capital letters and such. I think you can add so much to wordplay when they portray a deeper meaning with in: 'Hope Springs eternal' is one of the better examples of this. I really admire this effort.

AnkitT II - My first reaction was that it was overwrought and dramatised for affect; but I think there is a sincerity to it now. It feels like you were going for regret; an almost universal idea. It made me think a little; back to a time when I used to overthink everything. A good return, AnkitT, the burning flames was a nice touch; cause it's something that would just be there, wouldn't it. Lovely stuff.

Toodles - Not quiet the Halle-Keyser iambic pentameter; maybe the shiraz might have had its say there, but then again, what do I know about poetry? I think this needs a couple of more redrafts, but I like that you wrote it in one go, instead of not writing at all. :p I think my favourite stanza is the penultimate one.

Bootaaay I - Quaint little poem, with a same rhyming pattern through; I really liked that part, even if I'm not sure what the poem is about. It's a fun little poem. Ragged stone shore, is great line.

Bootaaay II - Very cool poem, Bootaaay. I thought this poem would use a version of will-o'-the-wisp; but corpse light, I now think may mean the same thing. I've not heard it expressed that way; but you learn something new every day in the poetry thread! Great use of imagery and especially of symbolism. I didn't like the last line at first; but now, it, the poem, doesn't work without it.

Soultron - I think you were trying to infer gambler's ruin at first, but then I thought it was just gambling addiction in general. I found it difficult to relate to, though it may just be a reader thing; I think I got it though, and you wrote it in a really nice way, so overall a plus I think.

Neutrino - I liked it, even if you didn't. 'They'll be' or 'there'll be'? does feel a little rushed, don't it? Well you got something down, where a lot of others couldn't have managed. I think others, (by that I mean me of course ;P), learn how to include conversations in their poems. You always get that right. Make it look so simple and effortless; almost unnoticeable.

Devine - Unwrapped in great fashion. Really cool way to wrap things up. I would have probably done the same thing as you, if I'd had that idea. Kinda felt lazy in parts; but that worked overall, with the subject at hand. Hope you write in more. This was a cool piece.



Hmm... How on earth do I choose? I think I'll sit on it a while...
 
I

iavi

Member
Ashes1396 said:
Miri I - I thought of Shadow of the Colossus; and it was great short pieces, but the ending sort of falters...
Click to expand...

Interesting. I've never played SOTC so I can't see the correlation, but it's renowned around these parts, so that's kind of cool I guess. lol.

Miri II - At first I thought it was a reference, but I didn't get the reference. I think I enjoyed it more earlier on in the week, when I first read it. In that in following reads, it gets confusing who is saying what to whom. Or whether there are actually one speakers or three. I liked it overall though; you got the epic feel spot on.
Click to expand...

No reference. And the line confusion is something that I actually took into account and modified the piece a bit to ward off that criticism. Doesn't sound like I did enough though, lol. I did just close a line break in the dialogue, so that may have some effect in clearing things up a bit further.

I would detail what the whole thing symbolizes, if you didn't pick it up, but I still want to leave it open for people to try and interpret.
 
N

Neutrality

Member
Ashes1396 said:
Neutrino - I liked it, even if you didn't. 'They'll be' or 'there'll be'? does feel a little rushed, don't it? Well you got something down, where a lot of others couldn't have managed. I think others, (by that I mean me of course ;P), learn how to include conversations in their poems. You always get that right. Make it look so simple and effortless; almost unnoticeable.
Click to expand...

I know exactly what you mean.
I had like five minutes on the deadline, and was in the middle of a League of Legends game and tossed a coin (I actually did, I swear) to decide on on what I would enter, that being a song or a poem I had written recently.
So yes it literally was rushed.
I also forgot some lines.
Haha.

Thank you for the compliment.
I always love reading your poems.
 
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