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Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
- Start date
- Status
BronzeWolf
Banned
Ask her what she wants. if she is fine with casual, keep at it. If she isn't then don't be a douchebag and let her go. Also I don't think you will ever be 100% sure of dating anyone ever. Sometimes you just have to try. it's your call
BronzeWolf
Banned
Pick up your phone and say this words to her:
"Sup X girl! Loved meeting you last time, want to go get some ice cream?"
She'll say yes
Don't do coffee. I've learned it's cheap and you can't escalate kino (body language) as easily as Ice Cream
You're freaking out over nothing. Don't cancel plans with you're girl over something so trivial.
hydragonwarrior
Member
Thanks for the advice so far guys.
Gah, I even had a roommate of mine (female and good looking, taken, and had been on the online dating scene prior and gotten some dates) look over my profile and give it some editing.
But I do admit that I find making profiles a chore - to the point where once I'm done, I probably won't even bother looking at it for another few months. Maybe there's some information to get rid of.
I might cut down on the length of my profile too - I can't read long profiles myself but at the time it seemed like a good idea to have a large profile (a lot of the good looking ones had some damn long profiles)
Gah, I even had a roommate of mine (female and good looking, taken, and had been on the online dating scene prior and gotten some dates) look over my profile and give it some editing.
But I do admit that I find making profiles a chore - to the point where once I'm done, I probably won't even bother looking at it for another few months. Maybe there's some information to get rid of.
I might cut down on the length of my profile too - I can't read long profiles myself but at the time it seemed like a good idea to have a large profile (a lot of the good looking ones had some damn long profiles)
Okay GAF, I posted my situation a while's back in the last thread, and for the most part the drama has been resolved.
To put a long story short (and I'm skipping over a lot of small details, but I'm hoping it all adds up), met girl at friend's bachelor party last March, and I later found out that she's something of a gold-digging single mother that has no job and lives off of child support. She said she did not want anything serious, while I started to not become too keen on the entire "fuck buddy" arrangement, and I have been distancing myself from her for the past few months. At this point, she is just flat out asking me for money to pay some of her bills (which I have declined). It got as bad that she called 3 days in the row for "help" which I declined each time. Keep in mind that she has stood me up in terms of arrangements/going out more than once, so I have already come to the conclusion that she respects me very little outside of the size of my non-existent wallet.
She has often asked if I was seeing anyone else, which is... oddly possessive for someone who only wanted a fuck buddy relationship, but I always tell her the truth and say I'm not really seeing anyone period right now.
What brings me here is that she calls tonight, seemingly in a pretty sad mood. She asks "can you please help me out with some money?" I say I can't, and her voice breaks "I'm going to cry..." I ask why, and she's just like "Oh... no reason. Please call me later."
So basically, I feel kind of like a dick for blowing her off like that, but still. At this point, should I even still try to talk to her at all?
To put a long story short (and I'm skipping over a lot of small details, but I'm hoping it all adds up), met girl at friend's bachelor party last March, and I later found out that she's something of a gold-digging single mother that has no job and lives off of child support. She said she did not want anything serious, while I started to not become too keen on the entire "fuck buddy" arrangement, and I have been distancing myself from her for the past few months. At this point, she is just flat out asking me for money to pay some of her bills (which I have declined). It got as bad that she called 3 days in the row for "help" which I declined each time. Keep in mind that she has stood me up in terms of arrangements/going out more than once, so I have already come to the conclusion that she respects me very little outside of the size of my non-existent wallet.
She has often asked if I was seeing anyone else, which is... oddly possessive for someone who only wanted a fuck buddy relationship, but I always tell her the truth and say I'm not really seeing anyone period right now.
What brings me here is that she calls tonight, seemingly in a pretty sad mood. She asks "can you please help me out with some money?" I say I can't, and her voice breaks "I'm going to cry..." I ask why, and she's just like "Oh... no reason. Please call me later."
So basically, I feel kind of like a dick for blowing her off like that, but still. At this point, should I even still try to talk to her at all?
No, abandon ship motherfucka, abandon dat ship
Houston3000
Member
yeah
Future PhaZe
Member
Always feel an extreme desire to call my GF after reading this thread...so many terrifying memories of the online dating world renewed...
Attackthebase
Member
Good news: I'm really getting used to asking out women in person. The beginning of last year, this never happened. Hermit and all.
Bad news: The two women I have asked out are either in the relationship (friend of mine) or engaged (a random girl working at a tea shop).
The upside: Rejection only have a 10 second negative effect, then I laugh about it, and I proceed to continue my day. I'm really happy that I can talk to a woman I barely know, and muster up the courage to ask her out without much issue within a few minute period.
I've made gigantic progress since June. Even though, I have gotten a no from both ladies, it has boosted my confidence regardless, and make me more optimistic for this year.
Edit: I should add that this statement only applies to this year. Though, I went out several girls via Okcupid during the fall, I didn't do as much from direct contact. Going to change that and make the online dating sites only a supplement.
Bad news: The two women I have asked out are either in the relationship (friend of mine) or engaged (a random girl working at a tea shop).
The upside: Rejection only have a 10 second negative effect, then I laugh about it, and I proceed to continue my day. I'm really happy that I can talk to a woman I barely know, and muster up the courage to ask her out without much issue within a few minute period.
I've made gigantic progress since June. Even though, I have gotten a no from both ladies, it has boosted my confidence regardless, and make me more optimistic for this year.
Edit: I should add that this statement only applies to this year. Though, I went out several girls via Okcupid during the fall, I didn't do as much from direct contact. Going to change that and make the online dating sites only a supplement.
BronzeWolf
Banned
GTFO now. Tell her you are already in a relationship. Cut her out. Don't answer calls
Hypereides
Member
luckyboyceo
Member
You might consider buying a small bottle of concealer if it's really something that bugs you. I know that sounds odd, but just putting a dot over it and rubbing it in a little bit could make a big difference.
Try "hey let's grab coffee on Tuesday, it'll be fun." No need for the other stuff.
Or ice cream like BronzeWolf suggested.
Stopped reading here. Seriously, why even ask us? This is about the easiest question I've come across in this thread.
Awesome job. Keep it up!
Simply put.My friend invites me to a club for his friends birthday. Its nice club situation. Just hovering around my friend while he introduces me. later in the night, Im just wallflowering,and one of his friends comes up and gets all three of us dancing. Eventually I excuse myself to go get another drink .For some reason I wasn't interested in dancing, only drinking and thinking about street fighter. I come sit back down ,and she pulls me to dance with her,keeping her body close to mine. the more we dance,she slowly was inching away from her party group,and it was just us dancing.
so after we leave the club, my friend,and his female friend are tired, dude wants to go home , while i offer to go to a restaurant for some food. she agrees with my plan.but it was getting cold and my friend persist that they get home.
basically couldn't tell if she was interested....or she just likes dancing.plus who knows if she was drunk.
so after we leave the club, my friend,and his female friend are tired, dude wants to go home , while i offer to go to a restaurant for some food. she agrees with my plan.but it was getting cold and my friend persist that they get home.
basically couldn't tell if she was interested....or she just likes dancing.plus who knows if she was drunk.
That's a lot...
I know that feel bro. My attempt at online dating was a fucking miserable experience. It's so much easier there in the real world guys, try not to get disheartened if you have a bad experience online.
So I've been staying away from this thread for a few weeks. When I posted about how I felt about my current situation with my ex, it was more of a Live Journal post to get my feelings out than it was for looking for answers. I write to find them out for myself. Besides my counseling, writing about how I feel is my therapy. Having said that, posting in here was probably not the best way to get it out. I would take a lot of the replies personally.
Everything is getting better little by little. I met up with the ex a few weeks ago. We talked about how things were going, and after the initial awkward small talk we started to talk about our relationship at the present moment. I stated that I wanted to get back together and she said she wasn't interested in any type of relationship with anyone right now and that she said that we could only be friends. I said that it would torture me for us to be friends. I told her I would keep my distance and not wait for her, but if she changed her mind, to not be a stranger.
I'm ok with this situation. There are times where I see something funny or cool and I'd really like to show her, but it's not like that anymore. When I get those types of thoughts I just tell myself that I did make a mistake, but it's ok, I'm not perfect and it all goes away.
The single life is ok. I stopped all contact with that girl I posted a picture of in the old thread. It was too soon and all she was doing was distracting me from tackling my issues. I'm just enjoying life at the moment and going with the flow. Although, I do find myself getting a little insecure that I haven't gotten with a girl since New Years once in a while. I guess that's what you get when you hang out with the same group of guys over and over whom all hang out with the same group of girls since 10th grade of high school.
Everything is getting better little by little. I met up with the ex a few weeks ago. We talked about how things were going, and after the initial awkward small talk we started to talk about our relationship at the present moment. I stated that I wanted to get back together and she said she wasn't interested in any type of relationship with anyone right now and that she said that we could only be friends. I said that it would torture me for us to be friends. I told her I would keep my distance and not wait for her, but if she changed her mind, to not be a stranger.
I'm ok with this situation. There are times where I see something funny or cool and I'd really like to show her, but it's not like that anymore. When I get those types of thoughts I just tell myself that I did make a mistake, but it's ok, I'm not perfect and it all goes away.
The single life is ok. I stopped all contact with that girl I posted a picture of in the old thread. It was too soon and all she was doing was distracting me from tackling my issues. I'm just enjoying life at the moment and going with the flow. Although, I do find myself getting a little insecure that I haven't gotten with a girl since New Years once in a while. I guess that's what you get when you hang out with the same group of guys over and over whom all hang out with the same group of girls since 10th grade of high school.
Update on my earlier post:
Should I apologize to him, or make sure he's cool with it? He's a good friend and I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship over something petty like this. Knowing him, I doubt that he's pissed, but I just want to make sure we're completely cool.
I just learned from one of my other friends that my buddy who's house we crashed at was into the girl I hooked up with, despite the fact my buddy didn't say anything to me about that. He knows we hooked up and wasn't bitter or anything, in fact I didn't even notice anything from him suggesting he was mad or upset.
Should I apologize to him, or make sure he's cool with it? He's a good friend and I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship over something petty like this. Knowing him, I doubt that he's pissed, but I just want to make sure we're completely cool.
BronzeWolf
Banned
"look man I don't want a girl coming between you and me. We are hitting off nicely and I think we are going somewhere and I want to know if you are ok with that?"
luckyboyceo
Member
I think you're reading into it too much.
It's a club, that's just what people do in clubs, they dance. If she reaches out to you over the next few days then maybe you can say she's interested, but as it stands right now I think it was purely a product of the setting.
I sent you a PM fool. What's going on? Play some Gears. Shit.
SlipperySlope
Banned
For online dating, I've found my best success with SHORT messages, but ones that also include one or two things that she mentioned in her profile. So I do a quick read of her profile and decide on a few things to mention.
For example, for a message I sent today, there was a picture of her snorkeling. Alright, good. And then she said she liked adventure and outdoors type stuff. So my message was this:
"Hi! I liked your profile. I see you went snorkling. That must have been a blast!
I went skydiving a month ago. It was so much fun! Have you ever skydived? What's the craziest adventure you've been on?
Take care,
XXXX"
And I included the picture of me skydiving. As for the question, it's important that it related to something in her profile. She liked adventure, so I asked about that. Looking back I could have made the question a little more specific. She likes to hike, so I probably should have asked what trails she likes to hike on.
The thing is, I don't like to spend a lot of time on the first email. I like to be in and out in a couple of minutes. And I only send one a day. I really don't like rejection, and can't really handle more than that on a mental level.
So with short messages, if you get rejected, at least you didn't waste a half hour of your life. You wasted like 2 minutes. And you're MORE likely to get a response with a short message than a long one.
I also don't like to do copy/paste messages. Those show you didn't care enough to read their profile.
Edit - another bonus for short messages. They don't know squat about you. So how else will they find that out unless they check our your profile or ask?
For example, for a message I sent today, there was a picture of her snorkeling. Alright, good. And then she said she liked adventure and outdoors type stuff. So my message was this:
"Hi! I liked your profile. I see you went snorkling. That must have been a blast!
I went skydiving a month ago. It was so much fun! Have you ever skydived? What's the craziest adventure you've been on?
Take care,
XXXX"
And I included the picture of me skydiving. As for the question, it's important that it related to something in her profile. She liked adventure, so I asked about that. Looking back I could have made the question a little more specific. She likes to hike, so I probably should have asked what trails she likes to hike on.
The thing is, I don't like to spend a lot of time on the first email. I like to be in and out in a couple of minutes. And I only send one a day. I really don't like rejection, and can't really handle more than that on a mental level.
So with short messages, if you get rejected, at least you didn't waste a half hour of your life. You wasted like 2 minutes. And you're MORE likely to get a response with a short message than a long one.
I also don't like to do copy/paste messages. Those show you didn't care enough to read their profile.
Edit - another bonus for short messages. They don't know squat about you. So how else will they find that out unless they check our your profile or ask?
It's past the point of "making it work", but more a poorly articulated question of "How in the world should I get out of this situation when clear words are deaf upon her." At this point, I'm just going to stop accepting her calls.
luckyboyceo
Member
Yeah I think that's the best move. Don't acknowledge her and if after that she still doesn't understand, you may have to just tell her off.
It might take some time but she should get the idea eventually.
hawkshockey11
Banned
GF is currently breaking up with me on facebook..... Man I am a mess right now....
SlipperySlope
Banned
I actually broke my rule and sent two messages today. Reason being I haven't checked Meet Me Now in over 2 months, and didn't realize there are a few hot girls in there that want to meet me. I should check that more often... haha.
Anyway, this girl has a REALLY short profile that left me with zero to go on. Nothing in Interests. Here's her profile:
"I am a romantic at heart and very honest person. I like to live a healthy life style by eating well and exercising; I am looking for the same in a man.
I am looking for a long term relationship; someone who is honest, responsible, loyal and caring, someone who could also be my best friend."
That was it! Anyway, I usually like to include a joke in my response. If not a joke, at least show enthusiasm. My response was this:
"Hi! I read your profile. You mentioned you're an honest person and are looking for another honest person. I like to think of myself as honest... brutally honest sometimes haha
I also believe that the strongest relationships are built around the two being best friends too. Having a lover, who is also your best friend, usually seems to end well. At least that's my take...
So what are your goals for the future?
Take care,
XXXX"
So I injected a little humor. I had to be careful. I wanted to comment on the best friend part, but didn't want to sound like I'd be OK with being just friends. So I went with I'll be your lover who is also your best friend. So I won't be your friend unless I'm fucking you.
Anyway, this girl responded. Here is her response:
"Hi XXXX,
Thanks for writing my name is XXXX I was born and raise in Lima Peru . I moved to California with my family in 2000.
How about you?
I work in advertising doing accounting but I want to become an art director.
How about you? "
These shortened but targeted first messages typically yield me like a 25% response rate.
Another thing: have a good profile! Have a pic of yourself doing something adventurous and fun. And use some Clenexia to get rid of those zits (it actually works)
EDIT - I'll respond to her message tomorrow morning. Don't want to look desperate.
Anyway, this girl has a REALLY short profile that left me with zero to go on. Nothing in Interests. Here's her profile:
"I am a romantic at heart and very honest person. I like to live a healthy life style by eating well and exercising; I am looking for the same in a man.
I am looking for a long term relationship; someone who is honest, responsible, loyal and caring, someone who could also be my best friend."
That was it! Anyway, I usually like to include a joke in my response. If not a joke, at least show enthusiasm. My response was this:
"Hi! I read your profile. You mentioned you're an honest person and are looking for another honest person. I like to think of myself as honest... brutally honest sometimes haha
I also believe that the strongest relationships are built around the two being best friends too. Having a lover, who is also your best friend, usually seems to end well. At least that's my take...
So what are your goals for the future?
Take care,
XXXX"
So I injected a little humor. I had to be careful. I wanted to comment on the best friend part, but didn't want to sound like I'd be OK with being just friends. So I went with I'll be your lover who is also your best friend. So I won't be your friend unless I'm fucking you.
Anyway, this girl responded. Here is her response:
"Hi XXXX,
Thanks for writing
my name is XXXX I was born and raise in Lima Peru . I moved to California with my family in 2000.How about you?
I work in advertising doing accounting but I want to become an art director.
How about you? "
These shortened but targeted first messages typically yield me like a 25% response rate.
Another thing: have a good profile! Have a pic of yourself doing something adventurous and fun. And use some Clenexia to get rid of those zits
(it actually works)EDIT - I'll respond to her message tomorrow morning. Don't want to look desperate.
TheVampire
Banned
Took me like 8 tries with online dating before I found my GF.
HappyBivouac
Member
Broke into a group of 3 Chinese girls on the bus today, two of them really good-looking. It just sort of happened naturally. Had a long conversation, the cuter two were really excited, one of them volunteered her number for a popular Chinese IM thing. Ran into the other cute one later who was really fucking happy to see me and insisted that I message her later. Had these girls' numbers saved on a sticky note on my phone. I was feeling fucking awesome.
2 hours later, my Android is suddenly fucked and I have to factory reset the phone. Everything gone. The second girl was awesome. Goddamnit. I want to punch myself in the face.
2 hours later, my Android is suddenly fucked and I have to factory reset the phone. Everything gone. The second girl was awesome. Goddamnit. I want to punch myself in the face.
RelentlessRolento
Member
OKCupid success!
Sent a random joke about public trans to a girl who had beef with the local buses and it ended up in good conversation leading to meeting up for coffee Wed ^_^
Problem is that I don't know what she looks like, but she's going to email me pics soon *fingers crossed*
Even if she's not interested or vice versa based off our interests she will already make a good friend
Sent a random joke about public trans to a girl who had beef with the local buses and it ended up in good conversation leading to meeting up for coffee Wed ^_^
Problem is that I don't know what she looks like, but she's going to email me pics soon *fingers crossed*
Even if she's not interested or vice versa based off our interests she will already make a good friend
She clearly doesn't respect you if she's making a public spectacle of things. You've dodged a bullet.
hawkshockey11
Banned
was through chat, and we were long distance. I prepared for this moment though so I am already past mourning phase and on to good outlook phase. It is just another episode of "Why Long Distance Relationships Don't Work."
SpectreFire
Member
It's also not true.That's a lot...
ConradCervantes
Banned
I really need to add more photos to my OkCupid profile. I just have the one picture that now most of you have undoubtedly seen, but I just don't seem to photograph myself well. Bad lighting, bad angles, plus I hate posing for pictures. Ergh.
In other news, the cute girl I've been messaging...man oh man. She is something. Definitely don't want to get my hopes up too soon; for all I know, I'm competing with fifteen other guys for her attention. But we seem to have found ourselves playing a fun teacher-student roleplaying game. Nothing too explicit, but I definitely want to meet this girl for at least one date to see if we can keep these sparks flying.
I really need to get my fucking car fixed. I'm six hundred shy of what I'll owe, and my W2 from Gamestop hasn't arrived yet. AAGGGGHHHH.
In other news, the cute girl I've been messaging...man oh man. She is something. Definitely don't want to get my hopes up too soon; for all I know, I'm competing with fifteen other guys for her attention. But we seem to have found ourselves playing a fun teacher-student roleplaying game. Nothing too explicit, but I definitely want to meet this girl for at least one date to see if we can keep these sparks flying.
I really need to get my fucking car fixed. I'm six hundred shy of what I'll owe, and my W2 from Gamestop hasn't arrived yet. AAGGGGHHHH.
I noticed I had 4 messages on okcupid today. Oh cool. I go and read them. "Thanks but no thanks" in three of them. Well fuck, that's a bit of a downer. At least one was positive though.
You aren't alone in that regard!
You aren't alone in that regard!
If that's you in your avatar, then you certainly take better pictures than I do.
The three that gave you direct, honest closure (read: disinterest) are actually positive because you don't have to waste time thinking about them and/or waiting for their response. You know the book is closed 100% because you tried in the first place.
ConradCervantes
Banned
If that were me, I'd have a lot easier time pulling down trim than I do already.
Yeah, it's good in that regard. Still a bit of a bummer though.
Stay positive, my friend. Rejection is good if you frame it properly.
Yeah I know. The first one bummed me out but I think it was kinda dumb expecting the first reply to be positive. Talking to some people everyone was like "Yeah, happened to be before too"(online or real life). So hearing that was good. I'm not going to brood on it or anything. I'll keep hunting. Plus seeing that made me go off and exercise for like 40 minutes to clear my mind and that's always a good thing!
Thanks man, you gave some great advice and I'll put it to use.
So me and my friend who is a girl I'm interested in were texting about random stuff. We discovered we have the same t-shirt, she was like "wear it then when you change you'll think of me xD". Just want to confirm, this is sexual right? She's said odd stuff like this before I think, she probably does it when she feels horny. How would I respond to something like this anyway?
Just be cheesy and escalate things. "Does this mean you're visualising me taking my shirt off?" Be playful.
Wow that's kind of direct, I've never said anything like that to her and I've known her for a year. I was thinking a bit more on subtler lines. But I really like that reply because it shifts the burden on her to escalate things further without me initiating much.
BeautifulMemory
Member
It's a good respsonar. Shows you are playful and not afraid to be sexual
NihonTiger90
Member
It's a great response. I agree with soultron and it would have been my suggestion.
ThLunarian
Member
This is kind of a complex issue, and I'm not even sure it's totally at home here, but it's the best I could come up with without making a new thread.
To preface, I don't have problems approaching women or getting dates. That's not what this is about.
I'm experiencing some major cognitive dissonance, and it's recently been screwing up my head. I feel very lonely, and yet simultaneously don't feel ready for/interested in a serious relationship. This has been causing issues in my sex drive, my interactions with the opposite sex, and who knows what else.
For the last few months I've been in a casual relationship with a woman. Last night I was unable to perform with her because of these issues.
It had nothing to do with her, and I made that as clear as I could, but obviously she didn't believe me and is freaking out right now because she says her ego is bruised. So this is definitely causing problems.
Two things are either making this worse, or causing it outright. Tomorrow would have been the anniversary of the day I met my ex (we've been broken up for 8 months), and also Valentine's Day is coming up shortly.
So GAF, what can I do to help myself here? I'm lonely, but I don't desire (maybe am afraid of?) a relationship, and casual flings apparently aren't doing it for me anymore. I feel kind of stuck.
To preface, I don't have problems approaching women or getting dates. That's not what this is about.
I'm experiencing some major cognitive dissonance, and it's recently been screwing up my head. I feel very lonely, and yet simultaneously don't feel ready for/interested in a serious relationship. This has been causing issues in my sex drive, my interactions with the opposite sex, and who knows what else.
For the last few months I've been in a casual relationship with a woman. Last night I was unable to perform with her because of these issues.
It had nothing to do with her, and I made that as clear as I could, but obviously she didn't believe me and is freaking out right now because she says her ego is bruised. So this is definitely causing problems.
Two things are either making this worse, or causing it outright. Tomorrow would have been the anniversary of the day I met my ex (we've been broken up for 8 months), and also Valentine's Day is coming up shortly.
So GAF, what can I do to help myself here? I'm lonely, but I don't desire (maybe am afraid of?) a relationship, and casual flings apparently aren't doing it for me anymore. I feel kind of stuck.
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