It's impossible to know her situation man. All you can do is learn to not care or not worry about the reply.
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Dating-Age |OT4| Realise You're Living in the Golden Years
- Thread starter Minamu
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It's impossible to know her situation man. All you can do is learn to not care or not worry about the reply.
Yeah, like i said, i'm probably overthinking this. I don't know much about her situation yet like you said. If she wasn't interested, she would have stopped messaging me after the 1st or 2nd message and would have ignored me like the dozens of girls i've sent something since i started.
It can take me that long to respond after reading it. I'll have time to check it quickly but then the day just piles up with stuff to do and I don't have time to reply right away with a well thought out message.
PflargBlarg
Member
It's also worth pointing out that girls can get upwards of 100 messages per day on OKC. I would assume that it's similar on other sites.
Note that i'm using a website that have, at most, 4500-5000 members online at the same time. I guess it's not much compared to a website from the USA like OKC.
I seriously doubt girls over there get 100 messages per day. Or else i would be jealous, as i'm not getting anything other than this one girl and another that said she didn't have time anymore/too busy.
Yeah I have to agree.
I've been told I'm unattractive so much (both verbal and nonverbal) that for a short while I started to believe it. Looks aren't something that can't be overcome. But it doesn't really matter how great your personality is, if a person never gives you a chance to show it because they find you unattractive.
Hey guys I need some advice about this girl I already talked about in the last thread...
Basically : met her this semester, liked her but I was kinda chasing/hooking up with other girls (that turned out to be disappointing and not GF materials), seemed mutual (curiosity, compliments, touchy). Two weeks ago we were at a party and we had a great time chatting, dancing etc. I asked her out before leaving and she said yes, saying that she'd remind me I asked (low self esteem ?). This girl is pretty inexprimented, altough I wouldn't say she's insecure or even shy. So, two days later, I text her the details of the date and she confirms it. But the day after, she cancelled 3 hours before saying she was sick, but kinda rescheduling (without being specific, she just said «another time»). I thought she was playing games, but didn't say anything except wishing her to get better.
She didn't come to class for a day or two and came back actually sick and immediately mentioned the thing I planned to do, saying it seemed nice. So I thought maybe it was a legit excuse. I waited a few days to ask her out again, this time by text because I wasn't going to see her until the day I was available to go out... yeah I know I should have called. She said she was busy because of finals, which is true I guess (I don't pass most of them myself), but I also think that a girl that is interested will make time for you. But the thing is this girl still act interested towards me. We flirt a lot, sometimes even in class... she blushes when she talks to me and we have a lot of «personal» discussions. I don't know if I should ask her out again... or just start ignoring her and move on. Maybe she just wanted attention or something like that ?
Basically : met her this semester, liked her but I was kinda chasing/hooking up with other girls (that turned out to be disappointing and not GF materials), seemed mutual (curiosity, compliments, touchy). Two weeks ago we were at a party and we had a great time chatting, dancing etc. I asked her out before leaving and she said yes, saying that she'd remind me I asked (low self esteem ?). This girl is pretty inexprimented, altough I wouldn't say she's insecure or even shy. So, two days later, I text her the details of the date and she confirms it. But the day after, she cancelled 3 hours before saying she was sick, but kinda rescheduling (without being specific, she just said «another time»). I thought she was playing games, but didn't say anything except wishing her to get better.
She didn't come to class for a day or two and came back actually sick and immediately mentioned the thing I planned to do, saying it seemed nice. So I thought maybe it was a legit excuse. I waited a few days to ask her out again, this time by text because I wasn't going to see her until the day I was available to go out... yeah I know I should have called. She said she was busy because of finals, which is true I guess (I don't pass most of them myself), but I also think that a girl that is interested will make time for you. But the thing is this girl still act interested towards me. We flirt a lot, sometimes even in class... she blushes when she talks to me and we have a lot of «personal» discussions. I don't know if I should ask her out again... or just start ignoring her and move on. Maybe she just wanted attention or something like that ?
I facepalmed when I read this. Yes, she's interested in you. Yes, ask her out again. Jesus.
100% right.
Hey guys I forgot to mention she's getting back to her family for the holidays in 3 days. There IS room for a date if she really wants it on Thursday though. I know it for a fact. So I'm kind of thinking her interest will fade away if I don't ask her out again... even though asking her out for the THIRD TIME really seems like a bad idea to me.
The timing is unfortunately inconvenient and her reasons for not going out is valid. Asking her out before she leaves for the holidays also seems pretty tricky as well. But it seems to me you're looking for excuses not to ask her out.
If you really want to see her, ask her out again. If she says no, oh well. Find tail elsewhere. If you really don't think she's not worth the hassle then don't ask her out. Find tail elsewhere. Don't over think this.
If you really want to see her, ask her out again. If she says no, oh well. Find tail elsewhere. If you really don't think she's not worth the hassle then don't ask her out. Find tail elsewhere. Don't over think this.
Thanks, read it all, watched the clips, bookmarked. Excellent
It's very likely. I've seen it first hand. If she's responding at all, you did something right that everyone else didn't.
Not everyone is like that, far from it actually, and if you do happen to meet someone like that, they're human trash that you don't want to date anyway. I'm not saying that appearances and sexual physical attraction isn't needed at all, it's just that men assume that since they place so much value in such things, women must be the same way, and that's simply not the case, if we're talking about adult women in general.
EvaristeG: you've already set the precendent of asking her out, instead of the other way around, so if you want something to happen, you're most likely gonna have to fix it yourself. That means don't wait for her to ask you out now.
Bam Bam Baklava
Member
This is how I've been looking at. I don't really treat guys or girls differently right now I'm just trying to build connections with people who I have something in common with.
Not 100% right.
There are always exceptions to every rule.
Looks AREN'T everything. Confidence and personality are far more important after that initial first impression. And you don't need to be Brad Pitt to make a good first impression.
You said it yourself, it's tricky to ask her out again before the holidays... I'm not looking for excuses, I don't have a problem asking girls out. I just don't want to screw this up by showing too much interest, which is a legitimate concern in my particular case.
Count Dookkake
Member
Good looks are not everything.
Lack of them can be overcome with confidence, humor, money, big wang, etc.
An abundance of them can be wasted by being a crybaby, smelling like shit, being painfully stupid, etc.
Lack of them can be overcome with confidence, humor, money, big wang, etc.
An abundance of them can be wasted by being a crybaby, smelling like shit, being painfully stupid, etc.
Devolution
Member
Given some of the couples I've seen personality played a big factor.
Bam Bam Baklava
Member
Looks matter but you can't do anything about it besides feel bad for yourself.
Well I'm fucked.
Like how stupid is stupid? Or is that a stupid question to ask already making me stupid?
Devolution
Member
They're a foot in the door but if you're a charmer or have a personality beyond that of a wet noodle you can get a girl to want to be around you despite being short, fat, balding whatever. The looks thing at this point just becomes an excuse to fall back on when plenty of people could work on their personality.
Well it's not like getting girl to ask you out in the first place is very common. Maybe you achieve that a lot, I personnally don't. What I meant is in my mind, I've been turned down twice, whether her reasons were legit. That's why I can't get myself to ask her out again. But on the other hand, I do want something to happen.
Bam Bam Baklava
Member
That's why I don't understand why these guys come to this thread talking about looks when it's just meaningless discussion. I would rather talk about building personality and get something out of it like advice. Unfortunately even that seems hard to come by.
That's understandable. I see three options, you either ask her out again or you let her reschedule on her own. Or you just let it go and move on to the next one. That's probably the best thing to do anyway, and if she comes around, that's great.
Yeah that's why I thought moving on was the best option. But what do I do when she still acts interested towards me ? Should I give her the cold shoulder or juste continue to flirt with her ? I mean sometimes it's like we're having a perpetual date... but there's always people around or time constraints.
You have to ask yourself; What's the worst case scenario here? She says No, and you're back where you started. A small hit on your pride? Possibly. An awkward meeting when you 2 cross paths in the future? So what.
If she does indeed like you/is interested in you, then asking her out again won't be seen as creepy/desperate, at least not yet. Yes, it's always true that if a lady is interested, then she will make time for you. But sometimes, a lady really is busy.
There are a ton of things one can do to make their appearance better (exercising, dressing better, hair cut, having good hygiene, etc), but yes, you is what you is.
True, and a female doesn't need to be Halle Berry to get a man either, but still no one's talking to that super friendly unattractive girl in the corner who is overweight and not too pleasing to look at, except some guy who is also physically at that level.
The problem IMO is, and I have no idea where this garbage originated from, the idea that "there are no leagues". That dating out of your league is completely normal, and that some super dorky ugly guy with nothing else going for him can land some major bombshell with some magic lines, or "confidence", or whatever.
Listen guys, I gotta say this straight up, you can ooze some major confidence all you want, be smoother, etc. If you look like Napoleon Dynamite, you won't land Scarlet Johansson, at least not for genuine reasons. Doesn't matter how much you make her laugh, or how confident you are, you can be freakin' James Bond on the inside, there are certain degrees where you can be separated where after that it just won't matter. People have to let go of this dream that started because "Oh I know this one guy who's ugly and he has a hot GF".
Once men realize this and start looking for more women within their realm of attractiveness, then more relationships will start happening. If you look like an ogre and you keep going after homecoming queens, give it up because you will keep getting emotionally assaulted every time. Women have a right to be just as choosy as men are.
Omegasquash
Member
I agree with you to a point, but the goal is really to start looking for women, fuck the rest. Improve yourself, and you'll elevate your game and the field on which you can play, but don't be worried about heartbreak, etc. Choose your target NO DOUBT, but don't choose it based on "well, I think I'm an ogre and she's too pretty for me." That's defeatist.
PflargBlarg
Member
I've been debating whether to post about this because I think I already know what I have to do, but writing it out helps.
So let me describe a situation that has happened a couple times. I ask her out to something, she says something like "Yes, that sounds cool, I would like to do that!". Then she has to check her schedule, and I know that it is legit that her work schedule is fucked up with weird hours and she also lives an hour away from me. At this point, either I never heard of it again, or she got back to me with days that don't work because of the hours and such but no suggestion of something like "but X day should work out fine".
After this happened twice I just chalked it up to her not actually being interested any more but being unable to say so for some reason and stopped bothering to contact her. Then on wednesday she contacted me about how we hadn't talked often, or seen each other in a while. We actually did end up seeing each other on the Saturday because it had been planned a while ago to see a movie with a bunch of other friends.
Now wtf is that all about. Agrees to do things, but then never gets them to actually happen. All signs point to her not being interested, but then when I do see her she wants to be close and hold hands and all that.
I feel like this is just a pain in my ass at this point, but I'm trying to avoid completely burning bridges as we were quite close friends before this. I'm guessing all this nonsense is because she's more interested in another guy and is keeping me around as some sort of backup, which is obviously something I'm not much interested in. I can say, if that is the case, I don't think she's doing it maliciously. But a couple bad breakups have apparently made her emotionally delicate and unable to commit.
I wish I could just cut it off super easy, but I've already had to end several friendships in the last several months for other reasons, and it's going to be so painful if that happens again.
So let me describe a situation that has happened a couple times. I ask her out to something, she says something like "Yes, that sounds cool, I would like to do that!". Then she has to check her schedule, and I know that it is legit that her work schedule is fucked up with weird hours and she also lives an hour away from me. At this point, either I never heard of it again, or she got back to me with days that don't work because of the hours and such but no suggestion of something like "but X day should work out fine".
After this happened twice I just chalked it up to her not actually being interested any more but being unable to say so for some reason and stopped bothering to contact her. Then on wednesday she contacted me about how we hadn't talked often, or seen each other in a while. We actually did end up seeing each other on the Saturday because it had been planned a while ago to see a movie with a bunch of other friends.
Now wtf is that all about. Agrees to do things, but then never gets them to actually happen. All signs point to her not being interested, but then when I do see her she wants to be close and hold hands and all that.
I feel like this is just a pain in my ass at this point, but I'm trying to avoid completely burning bridges as we were quite close friends before this. I'm guessing all this nonsense is because she's more interested in another guy and is keeping me around as some sort of backup, which is obviously something I'm not much interested in. I can say, if that is the case, I don't think she's doing it maliciously. But a couple bad breakups have apparently made her emotionally delicate and unable to commit.
I wish I could just cut it off super easy, but I've already had to end several friendships in the last several months for other reasons, and it's going to be so painful if that happens again.
Bam Bam Baklava
Member
This is a good post that tells it like it is. Obviously you can get carried away with the negativity and think every girl is out of your league but you have to be realistic and balanced.
This is not such a good post that doesn't really tell you anything.
Damn I can't make my mind... still think asking her out right now is not such a good idea, but it might be the last chance I have until next month, at least. Plus, I'm only available on Wednesday, and I know there's no exams on Thursday... but I don't go to class tomorrow. Should I ask her out by phone this time ?
Vermillion
Banned
True. Also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder - there are some people out there that you may find attractive in a different way. Not ugly, but I forget who put it this way (someone on the forum), girls who aren't traditionally attractive. There are options, if you're willing to look.
On the opposite hand entirely, the concept of "leagues" is dangerous. People will have to judge their own attractiveness for that, and some of them have skewed views of themselves (check the past OTs), so someone may think they look "like an ogre" and date far beneath their "league." Furthermore, that belief does not assist with self-esteem, either.
Bam Bam Baklava
Member
But doesn't society give you an idea of how you look. I mean if girls aren't giving you attention and people are straight up telling you if you are ugly then you get the message.
Same is true on the other end. If you get a lot of positive reactions from people and get complimented then you know.
In need of a little advice, Gaf. Last summer I was seeing a girl, let's call her girl A, for a few months in which we dated and things got pretty serious between us. However, as is practically inevitable when you're early in a relationship, the distance (she goes to a different University some 8 hours away) and the conflicting schedules meant that we both sort of decided it would be best not to do the whole long-distance thing. I have no idea what her situation has been with guys over there, and she has no idea what I've been doing over here. This week she's on break early and is back in town and one of the first things she did was get in touch with me, see how I've been, and asked to hang out. I'm conflicted about this because it was hard enough to move on from her, and while I've missed her and still care about her dearly, I'm not sure what good it will do me to see her for one night and then go our separate ways for another 4 months or more. At the same time, I don't fancy losing her in my life, and I'm afraid rejecting her and not hanging out will be another nail in the coffin for our relationship, whatever it is.
Now, on to Girl B. Equally stunning girl, really sweet, and someone who I'd had a tiny crush on, on and off, for about two and a half years. A few months back she ended a long-term relationship and maybe a month ago we started talking pretty frequently, and we've both developed some feelings for each other. She's a good girl and while neither of us is looking for a serious relationship yet I think we've established we love spending time together, going out, and that there is something there that could develop into something wonderful. She's in our circle of friends as well, as she's actually the younger sister of one of the good fellas in our group. He's told me on numerous occasions that he's okay with the whole deal (I never would have pursued her in the first place, as he was my good friend first) and that he thinks better me than anyone else. She also gets bonus points in my book for being younger than me, unlike Girl A who is older, however silly that may be. We've got our first 'real' date this week (we've had numerous all nighters together already that really were wonderful) before we go our separate ways for the Christmas break.
The dilemma for me is how I feel about seeing both of them. Both the relationships have developed to the point where I have a pretty solid inkling that both hangouts with each girl will result in some sort of sexual activity. Rather than excite me or make me feel good, that makes me feel like an asshole. Because I don't want to juggle both of them, neither would I like to hurt either of them. I care about them both a great deal and don't really know what the next move is. Do I break it off with Girl A due to the impossibility of it being a real relationship any time in the next year (she'll be back in this town when she graduates, at the end of June)? Am I being too sensitive and should I explore how I feel about both girls, who are very close to being equal in my eyes? Do I mention to Girl B the situation at all or keep it hush?
I know that was a long read but I really do appreciate the help, ladies and gents.
Now, on to Girl B. Equally stunning girl, really sweet, and someone who I'd had a tiny crush on, on and off, for about two and a half years. A few months back she ended a long-term relationship and maybe a month ago we started talking pretty frequently, and we've both developed some feelings for each other. She's a good girl and while neither of us is looking for a serious relationship yet I think we've established we love spending time together, going out, and that there is something there that could develop into something wonderful. She's in our circle of friends as well, as she's actually the younger sister of one of the good fellas in our group. He's told me on numerous occasions that he's okay with the whole deal (I never would have pursued her in the first place, as he was my good friend first) and that he thinks better me than anyone else. She also gets bonus points in my book for being younger than me, unlike Girl A who is older, however silly that may be. We've got our first 'real' date this week (we've had numerous all nighters together already that really were wonderful) before we go our separate ways for the Christmas break.
The dilemma for me is how I feel about seeing both of them. Both the relationships have developed to the point where I have a pretty solid inkling that both hangouts with each girl will result in some sort of sexual activity. Rather than excite me or make me feel good, that makes me feel like an asshole. Because I don't want to juggle both of them, neither would I like to hurt either of them. I care about them both a great deal and don't really know what the next move is. Do I break it off with Girl A due to the impossibility of it being a real relationship any time in the next year (she'll be back in this town when she graduates, at the end of June)? Am I being too sensitive and should I explore how I feel about both girls, who are very close to being equal in my eyes? Do I mention to Girl B the situation at all or keep it hush?
I know that was a long read but I really do appreciate the help, ladies and gents.
fredrancour
Member
I have never posted in dating age before but wanted to stop in to express by boundless approval for the IRON MAIDEN THEMED OP. YES. Next time I have relevant problems I shall return.
What the fuck I had the exact same thing happen to me this quarter, maybe dating is on the bottom of her priority list. Ask her out again if she has free time and if she says she's busy all semester then just move on.
Bam Bam Baklava
Member
He's just keeping it real. The problem is so many guys in here have rock bottom self esteem so this kind of talk has to be avoided to build them up.
great post up there MVP.
this is where i'm at with it. it's almost like it doesn't even matter how i feel about myself. of course i'm going to think i'm awesome. but that isn't really worth anything.
this is where i'm at with it. it's almost like it doesn't even matter how i feel about myself. of course i'm going to think i'm awesome. but that isn't really worth anything.
Or maybe he's realistic?
Keeping what real? I don't see anything valid in his rant outside of demographics; Of course a 'confident' WoW addict won't land a hockey girl who likes to hang out with her friends. Their lives simply don't line up with each other.
If the WoW addict is truly attracted to those kind of girls, he needs to change his lifestyle.
Gucci Messiah
Banned
I've been in these situations before and based off prior experience, I think the best thing for you to do is to let her come to you. You can still flirt in class and be touchy but I wouldn't make anymore moves. You've already made it clear that you are interested and want to spend time with her; now the ball is in her court and she has to decide what exactly she wants to do with it.
Vermillion
Banned
1.) Not everyone has the same opinion
2.) People do change over time for the better
3.) Some people can just be unlucky in who they're around
Gucci Messiah
Banned
This is a good approach but it's just so hard for me to be actual "friends" with girls I hang out with because I always end up being attracted to them which in turn ruins the friendship.
I think I'll just stick to bros.
lawlohwhat
Banned
In my experience, many of those very attractive men and women are annoying and sheltered and entitled and fucking boring. Many are not. But if you have an attitude that dating someone is a reward, or that you've gotten some kind of prize by going out with someone, then you're setting yourself up for disappointment later on when they turn out to be human.
And there are tons of things you can do to improve your appearance: hygiene, basic fashion sensibility, good diet, regular exercise, etc. Most of these things will alter your attitude for the better as a bonus. Also, people have vastly varying preferences for their partners, so simply telling people to date within their realm is not really helpful.
What would be better is to say that you should figure out the things that you like doing with your own life. Then find something you've never tried before. Do all of those things well, keep doing them, keep improving. Figure out your own preferences and listen to yourself. That is the foundation for success in dating and it should be taught here above all else.
Gucci Messiah
Banned
Don't blow off girl A, she obviously has played a big role in your life and is someone you already admitted that you don't want to lose. If you can keep the relationship platonic, great. If you don't think you can do that, don't risk hanging out. Sex always complicates things my man.
As for girl B, I say go for her.
Bam Bam Baklava
Member
Sometimes appearance is a demographic. Think about it, how many groups of friends/etc do you see that are vastly different in appearance? It's rare. Also why seeing a couple that are really different in appearance is something that turns heads.
Why is it so many guys that are quite simply nerds (let's face the music) expecting to land super hot chicks that want tan, buff guys with strong features.
I'm just saying be realistic about yourself, who you are, and how you expect the world to react to you. You have to accept some things to move forward.
TheSchwab_7
Member
Thanks for the advice everyone.
And on a related note, it is definitely not all about looks. You have to have confidence in yourself to land an attractive girl. Look at that guy who is with Christina Hendricks. I know it's Hollywood and whatever, but he's not the best looking guy on the market, but I'm sure he's confident, humorous, and an overall fun, good guy. He has qualities that make him attractive.
And on a related note, it is definitely not all about looks. You have to have confidence in yourself to land an attractive girl. Look at that guy who is with Christina Hendricks. I know it's Hollywood and whatever, but he's not the best looking guy on the market, but I'm sure he's confident, humorous, and an overall fun, good guy. He has qualities that make him attractive.
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