Oh GAF, don't ever change.balddemon said:Took the best shit ever tonight though.
You farted in front of Ella Fitzgerald?ChiTownBuffalo said:In the presence of the First Lady.
Excellent description. Holy shit I was loling reading that.ColonialRaptor said:...
Hahahaha!! Oh god.
Hahaha oh god, the image of her yelling this like a bomb is about to go off...Squire Felix said:Then she smelt it and yelled "open the doors"
ColonialRaptor said:When I used to take protein powder I used to fart like an absolute demon, they were monstrosities of biblical proportions, could clear a room in 5 seconds flat - horrendous! The worst thing is that I had to fart all the time, gas was bad as, anyway I worked at a desk.
I used to take toilet breaks every couple of hours to go and let them rip and I'd have so much built up that I could do 30 - 45 second non stop farts.
Anyway, this one day at work we were hella busy and I literally couldn't get away from my desk for the whole day. This fucken gas bomb had built up inside of me like you wouldn't believe... Imagine 10 dead bodies cooking in an enclosed space in the sun for a week and times that by 50 and you might get an idea of what was building up inside of me, anyway my guts were rumbling like a fucken freight train by the end of the day.
I had to stay back late and it ended up being just me and my boss left in the office, this happened often and usually I could just sit at my desk and he would stay in his office. I thought I was safe, I was busy as sin and I wanted to get the hell out of there as soon as I could because it was getting late and the toilet was a while away, so I took the risk of dropping my guts slowly and steadily for the next five minutes at my desk.
My god, it was a silent bitch, but it burned like hot coals as the toxic hot air slowly moved out of my guts and into the atmosphere around me and boy oh boy, I don't think I've ever smelled anything so disgustingly fucken rank in my life. Just as I'm finishing up, red faced and embarrassed enough that something so fucked up came from inside of me, my boss walks out of his office to come talk to me. I sit there thinking "fuck fuck fuck shit shit there's no way he's not gonna smell it, no way no way" he walks up to me, there is this disgusting pungent aroma in the air around me just hanging there, I'm so embarrassed and shitting myself, will he stay and pretend he can't smell it, what will he say (he's one of these ultra professional, never joke around ultra conservative old guy types), there is only me and him in the office and so there is no one else to blame it on. He must be thinking I fucken shit myself or something.
Anyway, his nose sorta wrinkles a little bit, I can see him taking a whiff, I can see his eyes water a little bit as he goes to talk it looks like he almost gags, in my head I'm thinking "oh my fuck but I'm also fucking pissing myself" and he forces out real quick. "I'll ask you about this tomorrow, go home, it's getting late".
Hahahaha!! Oh god.
ColonialRaptor said:I used to take toilet breaks every couple of hours to go and let them rip and I'd have so much built up that I could do 30 - 45 second non stop farts.
Medalion said:You farted in front of Ella Fitzgerald?
I don't see how that would be possible for me. My butt is so damn clenched on a roller coaster that I doubt anything could get out.Dr Prob said:Sharted while riding Space Mountain.
Mom, Dad: Don't think we're going to catch that Country Bear Jamboree show. Kinda pooped my pants back there on Space Mountain.
I couldn't stop laughing after reading that.....amazingLionel Mandrake said:Middle school in PE. We had to do the presidential fitness test things. One of them was the sit-up test, in which you had to do as many sit-ups as possible within a certain amount of time. I think it was a minute, but I could be wrong.
Now, the standard practice was you would get in sit-up position, and another student comes over and holds down your ankles for you, so you can do more without having to worry about your feet staying on the ground. You can probably see where this is going. I used to drink soda nonstop, and as a result I would be a fairly gassy kid, but I was usually pretty good at holding them in or letting them out at the right time. For some reason, this day I was filled to the limit. My stomach actually hurt from how much gas I had. It didn't help that I had PE as my first class at like 7:45 AM. For some reason I was at my gassiest in the morning. My turn came to do the sit-ups.
I knew the kid who got my ankles. He wasn't exactly a close friend, but we were acquaintances and were on a good-enough level. When the timer started and the coach yelled "Go," I started doing these sit-ups. After like two, I started farting. Like every time I would come up, I would let out a loud fart right in this guy's face. He started snorting, trying not to laugh. I was somewhat of a class clown, so I think he may have thought I was doing it on purpose, on account of how well timed it was. Go up, fart. Go up, fart. Go up, fart. He starts losing it, trying to turn his head to the side. He actually loosens his grip and that's when the coach comes over.
He sees that the kid is slacking on holding my feet down, so he pushes him out of the way and starts holding down my ankles for me. He immediately finds out why the first kid was having trouble, as I'm starting to fart in the coach's face now. He starts stifling laughter while occasionally letting out some encouragement like, "Come on. Keep it going." All the while, I'm still farting like crazy. I would have stopped, but I was worried the coach would punish me for not trying the test. When the time ran out he said "Hey man, it's natural."
Now, it's pretty funny, but as a kid in middle school, I was embarrassed beyond belief.
alphaNoid said:Home Depot once, I was near the end of an isle but couldn't see around the corner.. Now I fart all the time in public, I dont give a shit but I try to sneak those little fuckers out. I fart at my desk at work, in bed, at my in laws, in the movie theater.. I straight up fart everywhere.. I have no desire to 'go to the bathroom' to let gas out of my body.
I'm rude like that.
Anyways I'm at Home Depot, butthole is gurgling like crazy so I gotta honk one out. I look around quickly, didn't see anyone so I just POUNDED that one out. I mean I pushed with the force of the gods and boy did it deliver. Sounded kind of like the mountain horn from Lord of the Rings and the sound of someone dropping a balloon full of spagetti from a 100 story building.
Like a boss! Or so I thought, I take 1 step around the corner and there is a family of about 6, just out of church (all dressed up on sunday). Mom looked in awe, kids disgusted and the Dad scowled at me and said something like, "Excuse YOU!" I replied, "Your welcome."
Trotted away laughing inside, I might have reshaped the way that family interacts for the rest of their lives. For sure they'll talk about that moment in 20 years.
edit. Forgot to say, my wife was standing right next to me. She didn't think it was funny, but her reaction made it all the better.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v112/theNoid/honk.jpg[/QUOTE]
*wipes tear* Hilarious.
That's one costly fart.Liquidsnake said:Anyways as I was cumming, (which i remember felt so amazing this time) I silent farted a horrendous one. I mean one that smelled like you found an Easter egg at the park 1 month after Easter. She noticed right away, and it ruined the entire experience, and really messed with my head for the next few weeks. I do not recall her going down on me after that. We broke up 1 month later.