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The BDSM Thread
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Vincent4756
Member
Man its been 2 years now since I've been tied up last..dry spell is killing me lol
Moff
Member
not sure what you guys are talking about, so you have a usual safeword that gets ignored and a real emergency safeword?
Moff
Member
rape play with safewords is certainly covered by the basic SSC. struggling and saying no is part of SSC. the safeword is the real no. that's what SSC is all about and the core of modern BDSM.
and consensual nonconsent seems to ignore the safeword or set up a session where a safeword simply does not exist. I guess it's a valid advanced kink for couples who know each other very, very well and dont try out new stuff in that session. but we had guys like that back then who were known to ignore safewords, of women who were proud to say the do not use safewords.
it's not how I do it and honestly pretty dangerous, especially among strangers. but to each his own I guess.
expecially in Fm sessions this seems to be very accepted in my experience, even more when it's a professional.
and consensual nonconsent seems to ignore the safeword or set up a session where a safeword simply does not exist. I guess it's a valid advanced kink for couples who know each other very, very well and dont try out new stuff in that session. but we had guys like that back then who were known to ignore safewords, of women who were proud to say the do not use safewords.
it's not how I do it and honestly pretty dangerous, especially among strangers. but to each his own I guess.
expecially in Fm sessions this seems to be very accepted in my experience, even more when it's a professional.
Read through the whole thread and the BDSM wiki on wikipedia.. Very helpful and detailed. Hello BDSM-GAF!
I'm kind of at a weird point in my life. About a month ago I broke up with a beautiful woman who was a bit into BDSM, whereas i'd never really looked into it or been into it before. We dated for about 3 months and broke up mainly because I'm a fool, and am uncertain of what I want in my life, so when we got into an argument about something really silly I broke it off and kept myself emotionally closed off about it. Figured i'd just find someone new. I didn't really realize what i'd done until recently.
A few nights ago my friend wanted to go out to a club, and I went along with. My ex was there with a new guy, and some aptly timed music and them making out very obviously really hurt me in a way i'd never felt before. She definitely did it on purpose, eye contact and everything. Came home from work today and just started crying, which never happens. I talked to her a little bit, hoping maybe someday I can earn her trust back, but who really knows. That cut me pretty deep. And on some level, I feel the light BDSM play had something to do with this.
I got my ears pierced partially because of her. It was something i'd wanted to do for awhile but I'd always been kind of afraid of the pain. It really wasn't bad at all, and i'm so glad I did it! She got me started on a bit of kinky stuff, collars and restraints seem like something that would be a lot of fun to me now. I'm still new to all of this so I don't know how far it'll really go for me, and we didn't have much equipment, just sort of toyed with the ideas a bit.
Anyways, we have a local BDSM night at a club some weekends but i'm still sort of intimidated by it all, and she had some interest in attending those (I know she's been to a few now) so I don't know how i'll deal with that.. Anyone here have some advice? I guess i'm still unsure how into it i'd really be, and dealing with these feelings is going to be tricky. Maybe I should just avoid it.
I'm kind of at a weird point in my life. About a month ago I broke up with a beautiful woman who was a bit into BDSM, whereas i'd never really looked into it or been into it before. We dated for about 3 months and broke up mainly because I'm a fool, and am uncertain of what I want in my life, so when we got into an argument about something really silly I broke it off and kept myself emotionally closed off about it. Figured i'd just find someone new. I didn't really realize what i'd done until recently.
A few nights ago my friend wanted to go out to a club, and I went along with. My ex was there with a new guy, and some aptly timed music and them making out very obviously really hurt me in a way i'd never felt before. She definitely did it on purpose, eye contact and everything. Came home from work today and just started crying, which never happens. I talked to her a little bit, hoping maybe someday I can earn her trust back, but who really knows. That cut me pretty deep. And on some level, I feel the light BDSM play had something to do with this.
I got my ears pierced partially because of her. It was something i'd wanted to do for awhile but I'd always been kind of afraid of the pain. It really wasn't bad at all, and i'm so glad I did it! She got me started on a bit of kinky stuff, collars and restraints seem like something that would be a lot of fun to me now. I'm still new to all of this so I don't know how far it'll really go for me, and we didn't have much equipment, just sort of toyed with the ideas a bit.
Anyways, we have a local BDSM night at a club some weekends but i'm still sort of intimidated by it all, and she had some interest in attending those (I know she's been to a few now) so I don't know how i'll deal with that.. Anyone here have some advice? I guess i'm still unsure how into it i'd really be, and dealing with these feelings is going to be tricky. Maybe I should just avoid it.
woo and indeed hoo
Banned
I am no BDSM expert so please take what I say on that basis. I do find it fascinating and have read several books on the subject and have listened to no end of podcasts about it however so I do have some understanding of it, if virtually no practical experience.
After saying all that my response to you would be to consider writing to her. Elaborate on what you said above and wish her well in her new relationship. She is with someone else now so it's probably best to let her go than hanker after her. However, you may be able to clear the air between you enough that you can at least be civil to each other if you bump into each other or even be friends. If nothing else it would at least clear your conscience.
With regard to actually going to a BDSM night at a local club, it sounds as if you would be better served going to a local Munch first. If you don't know, a Munch is an informal gathering of BDSM minded folk in an ordinary bar/cafe/restaurant in normal, everyday clothing. It's a social event for people to meet and dip their toes into their local BDSM community under the appearance of 'normality' and without the pressure of any BDSM play going on.
That is what I would do in your situation but I am not you so I hope at least some of that proves helpful to you and that you find a way forward that suits you.
Good luck!
Vincent4756
Member
Yea my current partner is pretty much not into it lol.
I am no BDSM expert so please take what I say on that basis. I do find it fascinating and have read several books on the subject and have listened to no end of podcasts about it however so I do have some understanding of it, if virtually no practical experience.
After saying all that my response to you would be to consider writing to her. Elaborate on what you said above and wish her well in her new relationship. She is with someone else now so it's probably best to let her go than hanker after her. However, you may be able to clear the air between you enough that you can at least be civil to each other if you bump into each other or even be friends. If nothing else it would at least clear your conscience.
With regard to actually going to a BDSM night at a local club, it sounds as if you would be better served going to a local Munch first. If you don't know, a Munch is an informal gathering of BDSM minded folk in an ordinary bar/cafe/restaurant in normal, everyday clothing. It's a social event for people to meet and dip their toes into their local BDSM community under the appearance of 'normality' and without the pressure of any BDSM play going on.
That is what I would do in your situation but I am not you so I hope at least some of that proves helpful to you and that you find a way forward that suits you.
Good luck!
No that's good advice, thanks. I thought from what I read a munch was a BDSM gathering where you'd be required to be sort of in-character, knowing that it's a more normalized setting sounds a lot more comfortable than just going to a club where everyone's dressed up and they have sessions going on. Not sure if i'm really at that point yet, haha.
And I have spoke to her a bit. Things will be a little weird for some time, but I think we'll still be friends. I just don't want to show up to some sort of BDSM event as an outsider where she's not, probably wouldn't go all that well.
Yeah, a munch is generally vanilla attire. Nobody shows up in fetish gear, and the setting is usually something like a bar or coffee shop. It's basically just an environment to get to know one another, outside of any sort of play.
Nothing like that, no. We take them very seriously, so we don't have any fake words that I ignore. Basically, unless I hear the safeword, I know that I can steer the scene in any direction I wish. It's a preventative measure so that I can still ignore her "no" while ensuring she has the power to end things if she truly needs to.
Pai Pai Master
Banned
my experiences with munches and play parties were very very welcoming to newcomers, even the most vanilla ice cream kids. there are usually a number of different groups in any given area, so if you don't find one to your liking you can try attending another's event.
I definitely know where you're coming from, I first started attending events because of an invite from an ex, and it was a little weird at first but we got over it and she helped me to meet some really great people that opened me up sexually
I definitely know where you're coming from, I first started attending events because of an invite from an ex, and it was a little weird at first but we got over it and she helped me to meet some really great people that opened me up sexually
(literally and figuratively I guess lol)
TyrantGuardian
Member
Hey there, Kink-GAF! I'm a long-time lurker of this thread and I finally felt like posting.
I just registered on a local kink/bdsm site the other day and I'm already talking to a pretty nice lady. From reading a few of her diary entries, she seems very frustrated with most guys turning out as being Dominant in the end. I'm not (well, I can play the role and have fun with it, but it's nothing sexual for me really) so eh, wish me luck?
I just registered on a local kink/bdsm site the other day and I'm already talking to a pretty nice lady. From reading a few of her diary entries, she seems very frustrated with most guys turning out as being Dominant in the end. I'm not (well, I can play the role and have fun with it, but it's nothing sexual for me really) so eh, wish me luck?
When I was in Japan my sub and I went to Osaka Jail. It's an intimate (small) S&M club tucked away and hidden in a little building near the downtown core.
http://instagram.com/p/vVI3cXPBq8/
^ When you climb the stairs to the entrance this is the first thing you see.
A man in his early 40s dressed up like a puppy was told to sit on the floor by one of the mistresses so that we could have a booth.
They put on a good show: tied up and suspended a woman from the ceiling, did some wax play, flogged her with a number of different instruments, etc.
I locked my sub up in a cage built underneath one of the tables and had a drink. Eventually I let her out and some of the staff let her try on one of their sexy outfits. Then they gave me access to all of their tools and I put on a bit of a show with her for the other patrons.
I feel like we got special treatment because they rarely have foreigners (especially ones who speak Japanese).
But yeah, the scene in Japan is quite warm and welcoming. Very progressive too - they asked which one of us was the Dom and who was the sub (western places sometimes have a bad habit of assuming the woman is always submissive).
If you're ever in Osaka and feel like checking it out let me know and I can get you the address
http://instagram.com/p/vVI3cXPBq8/
^ When you climb the stairs to the entrance this is the first thing you see.
A man in his early 40s dressed up like a puppy was told to sit on the floor by one of the mistresses so that we could have a booth.
They put on a good show: tied up and suspended a woman from the ceiling, did some wax play, flogged her with a number of different instruments, etc.
I locked my sub up in a cage built underneath one of the tables and had a drink. Eventually I let her out and some of the staff let her try on one of their sexy outfits. Then they gave me access to all of their tools and I put on a bit of a show with her for the other patrons.
I feel like we got special treatment because they rarely have foreigners (especially ones who speak Japanese).
But yeah, the scene in Japan is quite warm and welcoming. Very progressive too - they asked which one of us was the Dom and who was the sub (western places sometimes have a bad habit of assuming the woman is always submissive).
If you're ever in Osaka and feel like checking it out let me know and I can get you the address
woo and indeed hoo
Banned
Sorry for the late response; life has been pretty rough the last few days so I've been off the grid pretty much.
However as Darksol has already confirmed, a Munch is supposed to be a non threatening 'normal' social meeting to welcome noobs into the scene. If one wishes to just dip one's toe into the water then this seems to be the way to go
.Also, as backslashbunny suggested you could contact the munch leader before going to the munch. As I understand it they may well offer to meet you for a coffee separately to allay any concerns/answer any questions you may have as well as meet you outside the munch venue itself prior to attending.
Another option would be to join an online community which has a group for your local munch and get to know some of the regulars to the munch online first. That can ease the first meeting in real life. I take it you know of fetlife? If not it's generally described as facebook for kinky people. I'm not a member so can only going from what I've heard and it sounds like they have their fair share of jerks like any online community. However, unless you have a local online group or one for your country/region that seems to be the go to place if you decide you wish to do that.
Good luck!
InfiniteBento
Member
I had no idea this thread existed. I'm subscribing.
Something I've been into for a very long time but has always been a bit of struggle to get my partners into. Definitely going to take the time to read some stories in here and get more perspective. I love both roles but being a sub is a lot more fun considering I'm incredibly petite. However, lately I've had a big dom craving. Getting partners to be submissive is incredibly difficult though. Hopefully, with more time + patience + them being more sexually comfortable, I can play with them how I want. ;____;
Something I've been into for a very long time but has always been a bit of struggle to get my partners into. Definitely going to take the time to read some stories in here and get more perspective. I love both roles but being a sub is a lot more fun considering I'm incredibly petite. However, lately I've had a big dom craving. Getting partners to be submissive is incredibly difficult though. Hopefully, with more time + patience + them being more sexually comfortable, I can play with them how I want. ;____;
Pai Pai Master
Banned
I've gone back and forth over the years, but I not so secretly LOVE being submissive to the right person. There's just something so intensely pleasurable about being under someone's complete control...
Pai Pai Master
Banned
Blood has definitely happened with me before. there's a chance for it if you're going to get really rough, but I would take it easy for now so you can make sure to heal up and not make it worse, and use more lube next time. If you notice continued tearing/bleeding I'd probably see a doctor?
it freaked my partner out at the time too, took a while to calm him down and get him into it again...poor guy lol
I've subscribed too, my current partner is averse to BDSM (there's a chance that could change...) so I'll have to live vicariously through you guys for now.
it freaked my partner out at the time too, took a while to calm him down and get him into it again...poor guy lol
I've subscribed too, my current partner is averse to BDSM (there's a chance that could change...) so I'll have to live vicariously through you guys for now.
InfiniteBento
Member
Bleeding is normal when it comes to stretching things a bit bigger than usual. Using a little more lube and warming up a little more to ease the muscles would be a good idea. Its nothing to freak out about though. Its happened to me an abundance and it'll leave you a bit sore but easing into it in the future can prevent it from getting worse or being uncomfortable.
Nothing to worry about though. Just make sure you give your body a little time to recover from it so you don't rip it more.
Messofanego
Banned
Wait, isn't your bf a GAFer? Could just peer pressure him.
InfiniteBento
Member
Yeah but I'm not about pushing things. I always want my partners to be as comfortable as possible with both me and their bodies before we dive further into dirty things. He knows my taste and I know his but he is newer to certain things than I am so taking time to warm up to it is totally normal
Messofanego
Banned
FKA Twigs does a shibari suspension for the music video to "Pendulum" (my favourite track on the album).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8yix8PZKlw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8yix8PZKlw
HOMEBOY OVER HERE
Banned
how do i meet chicks into stuff like this?
Pai Pai Master
Banned
woo and indeed hoo
Banned
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=munch
Google will tell you your local one
. I might have to dip my toe into the water now after looking at it trepidatiously for years!50 Shades Comes Closer.....
are y'all prepared for the inevitable injuries that millions of couples across the nation will sustain?
i'm gonna go see it at the behest of my SO. Not exactly excited for it, but sort of morbidly curious, I guess.
More lube is always the answer! It's not the end of the world, just gotta add more lube if you're gonna go rougher. It's probably pretty normal to be concerned about it (I think most people would freak out a bit at blood), but it's nothing that can't be dealt with
goddamn. that was hot and awesome.
As you say, more lube is the answer
And a partner who is not a wanker, that helps. I find receiving less stressful than giving, to be honest. Doesn't happen as often, but less worry for me.
triplestation
Member
Bdsm just means sex to me huehue
InfiniteBento
Member
50 Shades Comes Closer.....
are y'all prepared for the inevitable injuries that millions of couples across the nation will sustain?
The amount of sex accident stories that will flood the internet the following weeks is probably going to be astounding.
I wince when I try to imagine what we'll see >.o
Rhomega Beta
Member
I suggested it to my girl, to watch the movie, and she was "I'd rather watch a movie with actual BDSM"
She's got colleagues getting all wet n ready for the movie, though. She's warned them how it's nothing like the real thing, and if they want to explore the realm of BDSM, they should read up on some books first, instead of buying the "Fifty Shades of Grey Kit" that's in sexshops nowadays.
She's got colleagues getting all wet n ready for the movie, though. She's warned them how it's nothing like the real thing, and if they want to explore the realm of BDSM, they should read up on some books first, instead of buying the "Fifty Shades of Grey Kit" that's in sexshops nowadays.
InfiniteBento
Member
Fuck fifty shades of grey.
Robot Carnival
Member
ok, I'm no expert in BDSM and I've never read the book before, but this is the 2nd time I've heard someone (who happenes to be into "legit" BDSM) react negatively towards Fifty Shades. was it just inaccurate in it's portrait of the whole BDSM experience or something? that other person told me basically the book make it seem like this Grey guy is into romantic BDSM stuff and bring the girl into or something while in reality his action would constitute as rape or assault seeing that he did not back up and end the session when his partner object it or something.
InfiniteBento
Member
Synopsis of the negative light behind the books and film :
"BDSM is a community that believes in safety & comfort. Consent is always necessary, and partners take care of each other. After acts and roleplays, partners comfort each other to help transition out of that zone. FSOG does not include any of this. Mr. Grey gives Anastasia (a then-virgin) an ultimatum; to sign a contract or leave. She is sexually inexperienced (being a virgin) and he manipulates that to push her boundaries to make it seem like the sexually violent things he is doing to her are okay. There are instances where after an act, he is mad at her for being upset, but does not comfort her. He uses alcohol to sway her consent this is by law rape. There is also an instance where she uses the safe word, yet he continues. That is consent being retracted, and Christian ignores the retraction of consent. That is sexual assault.
TyrantGuardian
Member
The reason it makes people within the BDSM community upset in particular is due to reinforcing the stigma that BDSM would be unsafe and overstepping boundaries when the community has been really adamant about doing the exact opposite. Safe, sane and consensual etc. I haven't read the book, but it sure sounds really stupid in that regard.
InfiniteBento
Member
It definitely is putting negative light on something that isn't there for the BDSM community. Everything we do is with consent, consideration, and caring in mind. This movie not only portrays something incredibly false, it portrays something both illegal and overall disgusting. Its glorifying an abusive relationship and is a negative influence towards those that were too curious to try it out before. Imagine, now people will use this film as a basis of standards for their own sexual experiences. Its terrible.
FSOG goes completely beyond the basic rules of BDSM. Saying the safeword is a full-stop on everything. In order to do that, you need two things; trust and respect. FSOG doesn't show either. I even heard some people describe it as a rape fantasy, and in a way, it is; going on past the safeword, pushing her past her limits by force and alcohol.
woo and indeed hoo
Banned
I haven't read FSOG but intend to in order to be better informed and make my own mind up rather than just accept the word of others. However, as I understand it, it originally started as Twilight fan fiction so I do not have high hopes for it.
Whoa, didn't know we had this thread.
I admit i'd be open to try something similar once, but only light things, the rest is too much (like, no things entering where nothing should enter), i've always been curious to this culture and mentality.
Also, i'd really love to visit some club, i really like the underground-ish aesthetics the BDSM has. But i guess you can only enter if you have "something" to do right?
I admit i'd be open to try something similar once, but only light things, the rest is too much (like, no things entering where nothing should enter), i've always been curious to this culture and mentality.
Also, i'd really love to visit some club, i really like the underground-ish aesthetics the BDSM has. But i guess you can only enter if you have "something" to do right?
Can't i like, enter for a drink and then leave? lol
Robot Carnival
Member
ah, that figures. and if it really started off as a Twilight fan fic then that just pretty much killed off any chance of me reading it.
on a side note, I'm a huge manga fan and I've read this series that's related to the S&M stuff in a more positive light (at least in the Japanese aspect of things). it's call Nana to Kaoru, and I find it pretty refreshing to read something about the BDSM stuff other then the erotic side. I imagine some of you are probably rather familiar with this also.
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