Looking back at my life now I see eveything is worthless. If I died right now it would not matter or even if I lived it would not matter. Even now someone is dying someone is being born someone is experiencing great pain or great joy. The guy I like is probably in bed with his awesome boyfriend making love. I could just jump out of the window onto the pavement or stab this sword in my eye through my brain. Tomorrow the sun rises the winners always win and the losers suffer.
Jubei - I really feel for you. I won't pretend to know what it's like to be you - we're obviously different in many ways. But what I can say is that I've experienced long stretches of my life in which I too was so ashamed of my life, felt so worthless, so hopeless, that I wanted to die. And I very nearly did on more than one occasion. I would not wish the kind of pain I felt (and still feel sometimes) on anyway. Moreover, I would not wish your pain on my worst enemy, let alone on someone like you that I am so fond of.
I've talked to you a bit - not as much as some others in this thread, whether because I don't know what to say or because you tend to keep us at arm's length, I cannot say. I will say, again, that I like you a great deal and I do offer my friendship, as much or as little as you would like to avail yourself of it. If you would like to, you could even call me. Or we could write back and forth. I offer you your choice into how you'd like to talk to me. And I don't really offer that to just anyone.
I feel like this thread is not providing the help you need. People get frustrated because you rebut every kind word or piece of advice given. You post again and again that your life is over, everything is hopeless, and there's no possible way you'll ever be better. I know what you are feeling is real, 100%, and it takes courage to share that raw emotion. However, it doesn't seem like this is actually getting you anywhere. It simply perpetuates the circumstances you find yourself in. Maybe you find it helpful - I won't tell you that you have to post in some different way. What I will say is that your current approach is not working. I ask you (not tell you, or demand of you) to try posting in a different way, even for a short trial period.
Oomi often posts about her despair and her own sense of hopelessness, but she has become such a positive and respected member of this community (soon to overtake UChip in number of posts in the thread, closing in on 400) - and seriously, look at the responses she gets to her posts. She may be the most beloved poster in the thread (<3 Oomi so much) - but more often she responds to others, offering kind words, bits of wisdom, or simply saying "I've heard what you have to say." And she proves that latter point by offering in-depth remarks in her replies. It's never in doubt that she has read a full post and taken time to consider what the poster has to say. And I think that, if she were asked, she might say that shifting from posting exclusively about her own troubles to trying to fight depression in others is a more valuable approach, both for her peers in this thread and in her own struggles. And she'll compliment her fellow depression-GAFfers (I was humbled and it made me feel good when she dropped a compliment for me in a recent post - I think it brings a smile to most of our faces to hear that we're doing something right).
I think another one of our beloved posters, Prax, would say the same thing. She speaks less to her own problems and instead gives us epic posts responding, at some length, and in great detail, to multiple posts from other members of the community. And we love her for that. Again, I think she'd say that doing so is personally therapeutic.
For my own bit, I haven't gone into what has been happening to me very much - I've mentioned it in PMs and in our last chat, but it is not of as much value to simply air my grievances. I much prefer to help you all fight your battles. and when I fight your depression, it's like I can take my issues out of my own head, externalize them, and attack them much more effectively. It has really helped me to fight my own issues when I've cast them in terms of other people's problems. We tend to be more rational when it comes to considering problems in others, rather than in ourselves.
So here's my proposal - for the nest week or two, use your posts to respond to what other people have to say. Offer your take on things, share any advice you have, or advice you've been given for dealing with the same situation. If nothing else, just tell people that you've read their posts - reply to the various points they raise, even if just to say, "man, I hear that. I'm been in that same place..." This is honestly a big part of what people want to hear. That validation is very powerful. Just... give it a try. Resist posting "my life is useless." Try to engage others in conversation, and let people know that you appreciate them taking the time to help others in here, or compliment their wisdom, or just their writing style. Just give it a try for me for two weeks and see how you feel and hoe people react to you. It's a simple change, but one that I've ound very valuable.
*addendum*
If you're replying to jubei, try to change you approach as well. Telling him his feelings are wrong is not going to work. Share a relevant song, or identify things he says that you can identify with. Share quotes that are relevant. Or maybe try to make him laugh? Honestly, from both sides, we're failing to get anywhere with these discussions. Let's try to approach things differently.