And here we go... the second instalment of what would come to be known by GAFfers all over the world as...
The Sales-Age Saga
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Previous instalment(s)
Chapter 1 (MC 3/19-3/25 2007)
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"While yes, I agree that indeed the sales situation
is the complete opposite of our home dimension
on a technicality, somehow I don't find it as satisfying."
Elsie glared daggers at Henry. "We were supposed to find a place where
Sony was on top!"
"No, if you'll recall, the criteria for our destination was one where the sales situation was the complete opposite of our situation back home." The X360 unit replied nonchalantly. "I'd say having the XBox brand sold out everywhere in Japan counts."
Elsie rolled her eyes. "Right, and as soon as the DFA charges up again, we are
out of here."
"DFA?" John ventured cautiously.
"Dimensional Flux Agitator." Tack commented in a bored tone as he brushed away several crumbs off his shirt. Somewhere in his mind, John wondered if Tack ever stopped eating. "It's what we use to go between dimensions."
John nodded his understanding before speaking up again. "So... is it just me, or does anyone else find something... odd about this dimension? Does it have anything to do with X360 selling 100K+ in Japan every week?"
"Not necessarily." Elsie crossed her arms, a frown on her face. "You see, when we entered a command into the DFA, it simply used 'opposite sales situation' as the criteria. There are probably thousands of dimensions in which that occurred, and some would be virtually indistinguishable from the one we came from, while others would be barely recognizable. The DFA just chooses one that fits our criteria, and dumps us into it."
"In which case, I wonder what rules this dimension play by that they carve their sales numbers into the sidewalk." John murmured thoughtfully as he stared at the words and numbers carefully inscribed onto the pavement.
"Maybe they just take sales too seriously." Elsie suggested as she played with a tangle of her glowing blonde hair.
"That'ssss a laugh and a half, coming from you!" Bob snapped from his crouching position. "Your preciousssss Nintendo fansssss... polluting sssalessss threadssss with their endlessss babble, babble, babble!" He spat, despite lacking the necessary equipment for spitting, such as lips, saliva, and a throat. "Final Fantassssy 13 for the Wii!
Indeed!" He turned away as if disgusted at the very thought.
"Wha's his damage?" Tack mumbled as he chewed away on a sausage bun.
"Leave him be, brother." Henry shook his head. "Unlike us, he came into the arena with every guarantee of success - and he lost it all. We emerged knowing we were relative underdogs - we can't understand."
"Are you guys going to enjoy your sales or what?" Elsie snapped, looking rather impatient. "We're going to be off pretty soon, you know."
"They certainly
look like they're enjoying their sales." John commented.
"No, not like that." Elsie shook her head. "You see, as consoles, sales are... well, they're like our lifeblood. It keeps us going strong - almost as important as a steady supply of good games actually." She frowned. "Come to think of it - they're like food and water for you humans. Different, but equally essential to a healthy lifespan." She turned back to the two. "And so hurry up!"
"Yeah, yeah..." Tack grumbled. "Just because she's your wife, you let her boss you around all the time?"
"Oh, shut it." Henry shot back.
"...Wife." John commented.
Elsie offered him a warm smile. "What, you've never heard of the Wii60?"
There was a long, tense moment of silence as John let this new information sink in. Then he ventured a single statement. "Tell me you two never used the Wiimote for anything.
Please."
"Rest easy." The Wii chuckled. "Nothing of that sort."
"And... done." Henry commented as he walked back to them. John couldn't be sure, but he got the impression that the two 360 units looked a bit more... well, buff.
"Oh, hey guys." Tack commented as he stared down at what appeared to be a PDA in his palm. "New MC thread in the homeworld. Lessee here... ooh, nice. The kings' are back for a while."
"Kings?" John commented. "You mean Queen, right? After all, the Wii-"
"Is neither queen nor king." Elsie said with a wan smile. "It's not nearly far enough into the next generation for me to be crowned yet, although my brother has had one of two crowns for a while now."
"And
here you are, Elsie! I was looking all over for you!" Came the voice from behind them. It was strong, filled with vigour, youth, and energy.
"Indeed we were, indeed we were. Hmm... I feel weaker in this world. Perhaps it's the heat." Another voice, this once with the seeming properties of being
ancient and wizened.
"It's not the heat, it's the sales. Taking this lad on a trip, I'd venture." A third voice, this one old as well, but different from the second, filled to the brim with power and authority.
John turned around and beheld a trio of figures fast approaching.
One was a youth, a tiny silver circlet nestled in his shining brown hair. In one hand he clutched a majestic jeweled scepter. As he neared their group he bowed slightly before walking up to Elsie and embracing her.
The second was an old woman, bowed and stooped with age. Her eyes, however, were quick and intelligent, darting back and forth. For an instant they settled on John, before roving away again.
The third figure, however... As he neared, every other manifestation of a system kneeled save the youth with the staff, who bowed his head respectfully. Dressed in a majestic robe of crimson and ebony, he stroked his long, flowing beard thoughtfully. His hair shone silver-white - yet with every deliberate movement and gesture he carried himself with the seeming of a noble borne lord. And one his head was another circlet, one than sparkled with golden light in the midafternoon sun.
"Milord, we did not expect to be graced by your presence." Henry said softly.
"Rise up, rise up. I
told you I was never one for formality." The old man demanded. Slowly, all the other systems got to their feet. "So this is the youth that needed cheering up, eh?"
"And, uh... if I may ask... who are you?"
A hint of a smile graced the old man's face. "You needed to ask, lad? I'm hurt! We spent so many happy hours together, you and I. Exploring Disney worlds, travelling to Zanarkand and Ivalice, defeating demons with style... why, we even took a trip to ancient Greece not so long ago!"
The penny dropped. "P- Playstation 2?" John sputtered.
"Yes, although you may refer to me as Duke Richard Eddington. A flair for the bombastic, I suppose, but that's my name, and well enough it is."
"A - and your companions?"
"Dennis Stark." The youth with the staff grinned. "I'm your DS."
"Clementine Shelley." The ancient woman croaked. "Gameboy Advance SP, that I am."
"And why have you graced us with you distinguished presence, milord?" Elsie inquired.
"I was bored." Richard said with an elaborate shrug. "What with you young'uns stealing all the limelight, I couldn't help but come to see for myself!" Then his expression darkened. "Plus, I needed to make sure my next-of-kin doesn't muff up even
worse than he already has."
At this Bob jerked his head upwards, crimson eyes flaring with rage. "Fine talk! Fine talk indeed! I carried your crown. I won exclusssivessss for myssself!"
"Yes, like Devil May Cry 4 and Virtua Fighter 5." Richard commented acidly. "Funny how
that turned out." John caught Elsie beckoning them further away.
"Through no fault of mine own!" Bob screeched, skeletal fingers coiling and uncoiling reflexively. "Take it up with Ken! With Hirai! With Harrissson or Tretton or Ssstringer! Anyone but
ME!"
"Um..." John spoke up, trying to cut into what was obviously a rather long-standing family feud. "I don't mean to interrupt, but... Sir Richard-"
"Richard to you, young lad."
"Um... okay. Richard, where are the Gamecube and XBox? I owned both, after all."
A shadow fell across the Playstation 2's face. "Well, I suppose you have a right to know." He turned to Henry. "Is the DFA prepared?"
"Yes sir."
"Good. Fire it up." He paused, stroking his magnificent beard. "Set destination as the 'Console Graveyard'."
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