Angry Grimace
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does something taste funny to you?"
What is Fastlane? Fastlane will consist of professional wrestling matches that involve wrestlers from pre-existing scripted feuds or storylines that play out on WWE's primary television programs, Raw and SmackDown. Wrestlers will portray heroes or villains as they follow a series of events that build tension and culminate in a wrestling match or series of matches. (source: wikipedia)
The gimmick of this PPV is literally that it is the PPV that directly precedes WrestleMania. Despite this, only one match apparently has any bearing on WrestleMania.
Alberto Del Rio v. Kalisto (c) for the United States Championship (2 out of 3 falls)
This is a rematch that we will be seeing for the fifth time. Kalisto beat Del Rio in a non-title match on SmackDown, won the title on a Raw, lost it on Smackdown, won it at Royal Rumble, and is doing another rematch because titles in WWE all have rematch clauses.
Edge and Christian Interview The New Day
No, they are not having a match. They are just getting interviewed by Edge and Christian to promote Edge and Christian's new comedy sketch show on the Network. Some people say the New Day have gotten sawft, but I say they're still pretty funny.
Ryback, Big Show and Kane vs. The Wyatt Family (Luke Harper, Erick Rowan and Braun Strowman) (with Bray Wyatt)
The Wyatt Family were last seen messing with Brock Lesnar at the Royal Rumble for no real reason other than Bray randomly takes a shine to other people on the roster who he can't beat in a wrestling match. This has been ignored since the Rumble and instead the Wyatts have just been beating up random mid-card guys saying they want to take down the "titans" of WWE so they can be worshiped as (wrestling) Gods. The match was set up because the guys they ran-in on wanted to get revenge. Fun fact: Big Show is a face again for this. Watch for Brawn Strongman to do monster heel stuff.
Charlotte (c) (with Ric Flair) vs. Brie Bella
Charlotte lost to Brie on a random Raw because Ric has a tendency to distract his own daughter just as much as her opponents. This is likely a send-off match for Brie, who has all but confirmed she is leaving the business to start a family with her recently retired husband Daniel Bryan.
Becky Lynch and Sasha Banks vs. Team B.A.D. (Naomi and Tamina)
Charlotte turned into a Ric Flair clone (e.g. she turned heel) and Becky (very) slowly figured out that Charlotte had turned heel and unsuccessfully challenged her for the title. Sasha inserted herself into the feud by showing up at Royal Rumble after Becky got beaten by a jacket and as a result the Boss left Team BAD (thus dissolving the last of the "teams" from the Divas Revolution angle). The rest of the Team was unamused and started doing run-ins on both Becky and Sasha. Becky and Sasha are teaming up to fight the remaining members, but they're also enemies (Charlotte is a heel, Becky is a face, Sasha is a tweener).
AJ Styles v. Chris Jericho
AJ Styles debuted at the Rumble to a huge pop; Jericho came back to TV a month or so ago. AJ is a face, but he barely ever talks so it could go either way once they let him do anything. Jericho's is nominally a face, but he's showing signs of a heel turn - his current persona is out-of-touch Dad Rock guy. AJ's first night on Raw he beat Jericho, then AJ lost to Jericho in the rematch; AJ asked for a third match at Fastlane. Jericho agreed at the last minute. And no, the Styles Clash is not banned, he's done it once on SmackDown.
Kevin Owens (c) v. Dolph Ziggler for the Intercontinental Championship
Ziggler has randomly faced Owens three times since Royal Rumble. He lost the first one, won the second one clean and won the third one dirty. The match was set up for the title right after Owens won it in on the last Raw (despite Owens refusing to give Ziggler the match).
Main Event: No. 1 Contender's Match - Brock Lesnar v. Dean Ambrose v. Roman Reigns
The major storylines all revolve around these guys:
* Roman Reigns is mad at the the Authority (Triple H (c), Stephanie McMahon, Vince McMahon) because prior to Survivor Series, Roman won a match to be the No. 1 contender for Seth Rollins' title at that PPV. Seth Rollins got hurt at a house show and the title was vacated. Roman refused to become Triple H's lackey, so Roman had to win a tournament at Survivor Series to get the title, and Triple H's new goon, Sheamus, cashed in the Money in the Bank contract on Roman. The Authority sent in the League of Nations (Rusev, Alberto Del Rio, Sheamus, Wade Barrett) at the next PPV and Roman lost again, but this time he went apeshit and beat Triple H with a chair until he was kayfabe hospitalized. Vince came out and stated he didn't want Roman as his champion (seriously, who would want the Rock's buff and sexy cousin as champ) and for some reason gave him a rematch with Sheamus, at which Roman won the title. Vince then forced Roman to put the title on the line in the Rumble match and Triple H returns and wins the Rumble. Roman is still mad, and the next day the Authority gave him a No. 1 contender's match at this PPV because ?????
* Dean Ambrose is "brothers" with Roman Reigns due to their time in the Shield. He got inserted into the match because ????? His current schtick is that he has no fear of getting beaten up (because he's craaaaaazy). He's been cutting a lot of promos on Brock Lesnar saying he's not scared of him, which resulted in Ambrose getting beaten up by Lesnar repeatedly over the last month. Showed signs of turning on Reigns because he wants the championship; in fairness, Reigns has been subtly remarking he'd never lose to Dean anyways. Had the IC title until last week, which was dropped in a 5-way match when Kevin Owens pinned Tyler Breeze. Ambrose doesn't seem very upset about it.
* Brock Lesnar was eliminated from the Rumble because the Wyatt family teamed up to throw him out after he had eliminated all of them other than Bray. That storyline hasn't been referenced since the Rumble but could come back up. Stephanie inserted him into this match because ?????? - I guess she wants her husband to get his ass beat because Lesnar is an unstoppable monster.
What's on the line? The winner of the match is booked as the opponent in the main event at WrestleMania to take on the Best at Wrestling in TYOOL 2016:
Where can you watch this exciting display? Only on the WWE Network for the low price of $9.99 per month (first month free).
