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Revenge of Captain Badass The Pet Praying Mantis (new mantids inbound)
- Thread starter shaowebb
- Start date
- Status
sneakypete
Member
Never knew anything about p. manti(?) until these amazing posts. Awesome thread OP!
soul creator
Member
But can it read memory cards?
The Quiet Man
Member
We kept several praying mantises as pets. They were all awesome.
shaowebb
Member
Okay...folks. Prepare for a shock.
I was working on some college stuff a little while ago, when I started to hear some music. It was "Fantomas- Rosemary's Baby". This was BAD NEWS. You see Captain Badass loves to play this song whenever she is up to something particularly cruel.
To get the full effect of what I just experienced I suggest that you play this link in the background before reading any further.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ehx2KW5broE&feature=related
Okay...good? Good.
Considering that just last night she attempted to nom one of my fingers I knew for a fact that something was up.
I crept downstairs and began to hear the chittering sounds of panic from the underworld of the Terrarium that is home to the doomed crickets of sacrificial sustenance. Sweat was pouring down by the bucket loads by this point.
Chitter...chitter...chitter...
Chitter...
My mouth went dry as I crept ever closer to The Captain, and her realm of death, and decay. A strange smell filled the air...one part outhouse, and the other part slaughterhouse. The smell of death.
The crickets...dear GOD the sounds they were making. The chittering scratch of their panicked feet across the dry dead leaves along the floor of their home. Many were seeking shelter under any object they could find while all the while making this sort of scratching noise and shrieking in their tiny panicked way with their legs.
Not like normal cricket sounds mind you. Those are the sounds meant to call other crickets, and signal that someone friendly lives close by. No. These long high pitched chirps were like the echoes of a warning.
She is coming.
SHE IS NEAR.
I looked in the cage.
This is what happened next.
Tonight...tonight the suffering of the crickets will know no end. For tonight...The Captain can no longer control her carnivorous instincts. The last time she did this she cleared several dozen crickets over the course of 3 hours. Killing without regard for pleading, or mercy. She sometimes would gather them 2, and 3 at a time holding them terrified while making them watch her devour each of them from the head down one at a time before finally coming to each of them in turn.
The Captain was angered by my presence last night. She has created reinforcements by making a second regiment.
...
My little girl is gonna have a big ol' family!
DAAAAAAAW...
Im gonna gets em a photo album and name em one at a time after the carebears, and My Little Ponies ^________^
I was working on some college stuff a little while ago, when I started to hear some music. It was "Fantomas- Rosemary's Baby". This was BAD NEWS. You see Captain Badass loves to play this song whenever she is up to something particularly cruel.
To get the full effect of what I just experienced I suggest that you play this link in the background before reading any further.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ehx2KW5broE&feature=related
Okay...good? Good.
Considering that just last night she attempted to nom one of my fingers I knew for a fact that something was up.
I crept downstairs and began to hear the chittering sounds of panic from the underworld of the Terrarium that is home to the doomed crickets of sacrificial sustenance. Sweat was pouring down by the bucket loads by this point.
Chitter...chitter...chitter...
Chitter...
My mouth went dry as I crept ever closer to The Captain, and her realm of death, and decay. A strange smell filled the air...one part outhouse, and the other part slaughterhouse. The smell of death.
The crickets...dear GOD the sounds they were making. The chittering scratch of their panicked feet across the dry dead leaves along the floor of their home. Many were seeking shelter under any object they could find while all the while making this sort of scratching noise and shrieking in their tiny panicked way with their legs.
Not like normal cricket sounds mind you. Those are the sounds meant to call other crickets, and signal that someone friendly lives close by. No. These long high pitched chirps were like the echoes of a warning.
She is coming.
SHE IS NEAR.
I looked in the cage.
This is what happened next.
Tonight...tonight the suffering of the crickets will know no end. For tonight...The Captain can no longer control her carnivorous instincts. The last time she did this she cleared several dozen crickets over the course of 3 hours. Killing without regard for pleading, or mercy. She sometimes would gather them 2, and 3 at a time holding them terrified while making them watch her devour each of them from the head down one at a time before finally coming to each of them in turn.
The Captain was angered by my presence last night. She has created reinforcements by making a second regiment.
...
My little girl is gonna have a big ol' family!
DAAAAAAAW...
Im gonna gets em a photo album and name em one at a time after the carebears, and My Little Ponies ^________^
shaowebb
Member
She walks among them!
RUN! RUN!
All is lost!
...
So...yeah.
My lil cuddle pwecious has began her traditional post spawning of evil massacre. At first she was just hanging out on the glass for about 15 minutes just staring at them like a looming angel of death.
Then she began to pluck them forth from the Earth. Sort of like a shephard ...ya know...the kind that stand on the side of trees and bite the heads off of nearby sheep. Hmm...bad analogy. Oh wait I know! Like a farmer who tears forth from the earth frightened babies upon which he will dine upon the entrails.
Whew...glad I cleared that one up. I'd hate to sound stupid.
Anyways, now she has forgone her initial pick and choose method of murdercausticidalclypse and is now walking amongst the terrified crickets whistling to herself as she slaughters crickets. She has trouble whistling and I try not to tease her about it. She cant really help it since her face is covered in too much gore to get a very clean sound. I'd hate to give her a complex about it so I just sit back and nod as she wades through her thunderdome of doom spitting viscera in attempts to whistle tunes like Spanish Flea.
I filmed her earlier on my dinky webcam and it's about 15 minutes worth of her initial wall clinging escapades that I mentioned set to various tracks on winamp. There's a few surprises at the end of the video, and it's about 40% loaded to VEOH right now. I'll post it when its done for those who are curious about how she behaves when she only kills idly.
You know...not like right now though. Now she's killing with reckless disregard for life.
My widdle cuddle mauler wauler! Who's daddy's girl? You are Captain!
Dreams-Visions
Member
yea, this thread is great. bravo.
shaowebb
Member
http://www.veoh.com/browse/videos/category/people_and_blogs/watch/v206153322cwSNAq5
As promised, for those who are EXTREMELY bored...a vid of Captain Badass stalking her victims from last night.
The hunting process is usually one that requires patience from the Captain and the video that I took is 20 minutes long, and has many sections where she is simply spending her time nomming from her four basic food groups.
Carnagables
Meats
Bleedy Bleed-ums
and Faces.
However, she does have her first kill ( there are several victims) at under 2 minutes.
It takes far less than 2 minutes for the Captain to kill you, but it takes at least that much time for her to savor your demise. Enjoy.
*NOTE* If I can ever get some footage of her being as violent as when she waded through piles of crickets killing 2 and 3 at a time I will, but for some reason last night they all scattered instead of piling up at her feet like last time. Not sure why, but it made her walk through the tank much less violent than the first time. Either way, murdermurdermurder <3
As promised, for those who are EXTREMELY bored...a vid of Captain Badass stalking her victims from last night.
The hunting process is usually one that requires patience from the Captain and the video that I took is 20 minutes long, and has many sections where she is simply spending her time nomming from her four basic food groups.
Carnagables
Meats
Bleedy Bleed-ums
and Faces.
However, she does have her first kill ( there are several victims) at under 2 minutes.
It takes far less than 2 minutes for the Captain to kill you, but it takes at least that much time for her to savor your demise. Enjoy.
*NOTE* If I can ever get some footage of her being as violent as when she waded through piles of crickets killing 2 and 3 at a time I will, but for some reason last night they all scattered instead of piling up at her feet like last time. Not sure why, but it made her walk through the tank much less violent than the first time. Either way, murdermurdermurder <3
RumblingRosco
Member
shaowebb said:
Holy crap. That strike was so precise and quick at about 1:20-1:40. Nice terrarium setup, by the way.
mikeybwright
Banned
Best thread on Gaf.
Reading this thread I kept thinking to myself, pshh! My chameleon could probably devour Captain Badass before she even knew what hit her!
And then I saw your video...that thing is about the size of my chameleon! I'm not so sure my my little charlie would be able to do much damage to the captain at her current state. Well done Captain Badass, well done.
And then I saw your video...that thing is about the size of my chameleon! I'm not so sure my my little charlie would be able to do much damage to the captain at her current state. Well done Captain Badass, well done.
shaowebb said:
Holy crap the one at 7:13 is awesome. She's just just waiting there... Creeping... and then the music changes and it's as if she is pleased at the new song, and then makes a fresh kill and feasts in time with the music. :lol
There is something deeply
Truly Captain Badass is a captain of badasses.
shaowebb
Member
Foxix said:
Yea, the Captain is truly a connoiseur of murder anthems. I don't think she was pleased with the opening track though. I was going to enqueue some more E Nomine, or Juno Reactor, but I kept hearing her hiss "slaaaaaaaayer....SLAAAAAYER!", from within her domain.
I got worried about what she would do if I did not try to meet her request whilst she was in Berzerker mode so I began frantically trying to find any Slayer tracks on my computer. I found one song deep inside a folder I haven't used in years and queued it up for her.
Turns out she was just announcing her presence to the crickets as their "SLAYER" and wasn't actually making any sort of musical request. Silly me!
Oh well, live and learn...unless the Captain kills you of course, but that's a problem that solves itself.
We've had a pet praying mantis for a few months now. I think it's in the process of dying now, but it's been a hoot to have. Here's my daughter on one of Mr. Mantis' exploration sessions.shaowebb said:
The mantis has been on a steady diet of crickets, which we already had handy thanks to a certain other pet. This is when I was cleaning out Emily's cage:
Amusing thread, the updates have been a hoot.
Anasui Kishibe
Banned
this thread is officially creepy looking now
Wellington
BAAAALLLINNN'
I for one am mortally afraid of mantii. This thread just furthers my fear.
RumblingRosco
Member
Acid08 said:
And far, far braver than 90% of GAF, as proven by holding a tarantula in a bowl.
Dreams-Visions
Member
all praises due to the most murderous one, The Badass.shaowebb said:
shaowebb
Member
Okay, I fucked up with the Captain...AGAIN.
When I get home, I tend to hang my keys on the wall so that I don't stupidly lose them, and end up searching for them forever when I really have to get to work. I'm one of those types who has to keep their keys safe, or else I won't have them anymore.
To take care of this I hang all of my keys in the safest place imaginable. One that I will ALWAYS remember to put my keys back at the very second I am done with them.
Here's a picture of it.
Any how this safe spot for keys to reside is located directly above The Captain's "Terrorium".
You can probably guess where this is going.
Sure enough, I missed the peg for my keys and dropped them directly on top of The Captain's lid where she was hanging. The Captain just happened to be hanging on the lid, whilst performing guard duty over her new brood of deathspawn.
...
She has gone into FULL DEFENSE MODE due to my fumbly fingers of failing fidgetry.
She's been like this for 30 minutes, and counting. If anything comes near her at this point she will most assuredly sweep, and close those deadly appendagable death stickerin shank sickles around them. What do?
When I get home, I tend to hang my keys on the wall so that I don't stupidly lose them, and end up searching for them forever when I really have to get to work. I'm one of those types who has to keep their keys safe, or else I won't have them anymore.
To take care of this I hang all of my keys in the safest place imaginable. One that I will ALWAYS remember to put my keys back at the very second I am done with them.
Here's a picture of it.
Any how this safe spot for keys to reside is located directly above The Captain's "Terrorium".
You can probably guess where this is going.
Sure enough, I missed the peg for my keys and dropped them directly on top of The Captain's lid where she was hanging. The Captain just happened to be hanging on the lid, whilst performing guard duty over her new brood of deathspawn.
...
She has gone into FULL DEFENSE MODE due to my fumbly fingers of failing fidgetry.
She's been like this for 30 minutes, and counting. If anything comes near her at this point she will most assuredly sweep, and close those deadly appendagable death stickerin shank sickles around them. What do?
Spirit of Jazz
Banned
Face up to the fact that your house, possessions and car now belong to the Captain. She has all she ever needed from you and It's time for you to start a new life while you still have one.
shaowebb
Member
OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!
Peace talks with the Captain FAILED! Repeat. Peace talks with the Captain Failed!
Footage from the Peace Hearing Summit with Captain Badass
WARNING: Do not view if easily frightened. The envoy from the country known as "Terrorium" is quite shocking in this video.
http://www.veoh.com/browse/videos/category/animals/watch/v20623301TPTMHg4r
Peace talks with the Captain FAILED! Repeat. Peace talks with the Captain Failed!
Footage from the Peace Hearing Summit with Captain Badass
WARNING: Do not view if easily frightened. The envoy from the country known as "Terrorium" is quite shocking in this video.
http://www.veoh.com/browse/videos/category/animals/watch/v20623301TPTMHg4r
â Narayan
Member
I love mantids, and I love this thread.
Dreams-Visions
Member
how could you fuck up this relationship???
abstract alien
Member
I can't believe I missed this thread, but damn is it nice 
shaowebb
Member
Okay. I have been in negotiations with The Captain for awhile now. It's not going good.
After the whole fiasco with the ham being offered as an offer of foreign aid blowing up, the Captain has been rattling shankers in my general direction.
I'm pretty certain she has built a uranium enrichment facility in direct violation of sanctions, but never mind that for now. What has me worried is the behavior she has instilled in her cricket citizens.
The Captain was always a violent overlord in her kingdom of slaughter, but now it's as if she has stationed herself within Terrorium as an almost deity figure amongst it's cricket citizenry. There is now chirping in her honor going up from any crickets viewing her not eating them personally. It's as if their little cricket minds have snapped under the constant threat of violence into believing that any murder that is not their own is a gift stowed specifically upon them each as individuals. Like a gift from a loving God...and we all know The Captain has nothing to do with love.
Seriously...the chirping is getting maddening. Crazy Captain praising crickets...I swear if I see them orchestrate anymore elaborate forms of celebration involving the choreographed lifting of signboards that form mosaic images of The Captain...but once more I get off topic.
I think tomorrow I will clean out The Captain's Terrorium. I'll have to get Captain Badass bunkered away in a cup somewhere during this process. This may result in yet another incident occurring that will further antogonize The Captain. Perhaps I'll replace her cricket citizenry covertly with less devout crickets, as well.
Captain Badass already has potentially 800 soldiers trying to hatch...last thing I need is kamikaze crickets to join her ranks.
Wish me luck with the tank cleaning. Im gonna need it.
After the whole fiasco with the ham being offered as an offer of foreign aid blowing up, the Captain has been rattling shankers in my general direction.
I'm pretty certain she has built a uranium enrichment facility in direct violation of sanctions, but never mind that for now. What has me worried is the behavior she has instilled in her cricket citizens.
The Captain was always a violent overlord in her kingdom of slaughter, but now it's as if she has stationed herself within Terrorium as an almost deity figure amongst it's cricket citizenry. There is now chirping in her honor going up from any crickets viewing her not eating them personally. It's as if their little cricket minds have snapped under the constant threat of violence into believing that any murder that is not their own is a gift stowed specifically upon them each as individuals. Like a gift from a loving God...and we all know The Captain has nothing to do with love.
Seriously...the chirping is getting maddening. Crazy Captain praising crickets...I swear if I see them orchestrate anymore elaborate forms of celebration involving the choreographed lifting of signboards that form mosaic images of The Captain...but once more I get off topic.
I think tomorrow I will clean out The Captain's Terrorium. I'll have to get Captain Badass bunkered away in a cup somewhere during this process. This may result in yet another incident occurring that will further antogonize The Captain. Perhaps I'll replace her cricket citizenry covertly with less devout crickets, as well.
Captain Badass already has potentially 800 soldiers trying to hatch...last thing I need is kamikaze crickets to join her ranks.
Wish me luck with the tank cleaning. Im gonna need it.
â Narayan
Member
I've always been curious as to how bad a mantis can wreck a finger. shaowebb, you know what to do. You must submit one of your digits to the Captain! Do it in the name of SCIENCE!
shaowebb
Member
Dreams-Visions
Member
what if...shaowebb said:
...what if it's a trap? what if those crickets are actually luring The Captain (tm) into a false sense of security, with a plan to avenge their fallen comrades by going for her jugular (or juglar-like mechanism) in her sleep? then taking her children as prizes to work as slaves?
did you even consider her safety????????????????
shaowebb
Member
Dreams-Visions said:
The Captain is way ahead of you on that concern. She left a doorway open for me in negotiations for peace. Other than some exuberant funding that she wants me to provide her with for Terrorium she wanted me to help her run a propaganda campaign to insure the continued support of her crickets ( as food). Here is the test slogan she ran past me.
She is not a good person.
Dreams-Visions
Member
daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!
she's like...the Mantis version of Nancy Grace!
she's like...the Mantis version of Nancy Grace!
shaowebb
Member
Okee dokee folks, things seem to be going pretty well.
I cleaned the Captain's terrarium (Terrorium?) and redocorated things a little bit.
The Captain of course was NONE too pleased with being placed in a bowl, or moved against her will. The whole scene kind of went like this.
After some crazy flailing on my part, and some rapid fire attacks at the bowl, I managed to free the Captain from the lid. She was NOT pleased to see the lid disappear behind me that her eggsack was clinging to, however.
BEHOLD THE FURY!
The Captain immediately assumed a very angry battle stance after this, with wings full spread, and hellfire in her eyes. She was about to take off, and fly at me.
My only thought was, "Holy shit...I'm going to die."
Miraculously though, I did not. I managed to slap a plate over the roof of the bowl she was about to spring forth out of like a murder crazed harbinger of the apocalypse, and put her aside to clean house. You could hear from the bowl that she was not happy.
Anyhow, I dumped her crazy cricket subjects and junk outside, threw in some new soil, and timothy hay, and three dozen new citizens and here we are!
The crickets chirped at me about how pissed they were to be replaced,but I ignored their crazy brainwashed asses. Old Terrorium is Best Terrorium my ASS!
I decided to give the new citizens something else to worship other than their own death's for my own safety to prevent this from happening again.
Nothing like some good old fashioned idol worshipping to make everything better!
Oh well, enough said. The Captain is happy now, and has been a murder shanking the new batch of crickets to her black little heart's content. These new ones struggle more! The Captain is pleased by this, and as such we're buds again.
My widdle baby kill machiiiiiine! Whose my iddle harbinger of deathy-weathums? You are Captain! Yes you are..Yes you ARE!
EDIT: Also, since there is no footage for today, here is a nice video of a mantis killing a snake, and eating it. ADORABLE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5xx6804zCw
I cleaned the Captain's terrarium (Terrorium?) and redocorated things a little bit.
The Captain of course was NONE too pleased with being placed in a bowl, or moved against her will. The whole scene kind of went like this.
- Try to lift lid
- Discover one of Captain Badass's feet is on the lid
- Try to...ENCOURAGE...the Captain to move her foot to the glass so I can lift the lid
- Get...ENCOURAGED...by the Captain to fuck off
- Get in a tug of war for the lid
- CHAOS.
After some crazy flailing on my part, and some rapid fire attacks at the bowl, I managed to free the Captain from the lid. She was NOT pleased to see the lid disappear behind me that her eggsack was clinging to, however.
BEHOLD THE FURY!
The Captain immediately assumed a very angry battle stance after this, with wings full spread, and hellfire in her eyes. She was about to take off, and fly at me.
My only thought was, "Holy shit...I'm going to die."
Miraculously though, I did not. I managed to slap a plate over the roof of the bowl she was about to spring forth out of like a murder crazed harbinger of the apocalypse, and put her aside to clean house. You could hear from the bowl that she was not happy.
Anyhow, I dumped her crazy cricket subjects and junk outside, threw in some new soil, and timothy hay, and three dozen new citizens and here we are!
The crickets chirped at me about how pissed they were to be replaced,but I ignored their crazy brainwashed asses. Old Terrorium is Best Terrorium my ASS!
I decided to give the new citizens something else to worship other than their own death's for my own safety to prevent this from happening again.
Nothing like some good old fashioned idol worshipping to make everything better!
Oh well, enough said. The Captain is happy now, and has been a murder shanking the new batch of crickets to her black little heart's content. These new ones struggle more! The Captain is pleased by this, and as such we're buds again.
My widdle baby kill machiiiiiine! Whose my iddle harbinger of deathy-weathums? You are Captain! Yes you are..Yes you ARE!
EDIT: Also, since there is no footage for today, here is a nice video of a mantis killing a snake, and eating it. ADORABLE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5xx6804zCw
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