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Revenge of Captain Badass The Pet Praying Mantis (new mantids inbound)
- Thread starter shaowebb
- Start date
- Status
shaowebb
Member
Today, I came home to find that my wife had been preparing some steak for dinner. Playfully she tried poking some raw steak at Captain Badass's FACE.
After an initially moment of confusion the Captain realized her entire face was now covered in blood...
...ever play the game "Wet?" In it you play as a female wetworks operative on a series of hit missions. However, if a blood splash ever nails her in the face she freaks the fuck out and sees the world in a wash of red, and silhouettes and proceeds to go on a berserker killing spree.
Yeah...this happens to The Captain when you slather her face in blood too, apparently.
Anyhow, she snatched not just a tiny nibble of the steak out of my wife's hands, but the whole God Damned thing.
I like the way she wags her lil abdomen like a kitty happily waggin her tail.
I think I'll buy her some pig's blood at a butchers shop soon, and let her go swimming!
Yaaaaay! Tubby time for the Captain!
EDIT:
Um...well the Captain dropped it and my wife mistakenly thought that she was done with it, and removed the murder McNugget from the floor of the terror-ium.
What followed had to be the cutest thing I have ever seen from my little sluaghter sausage ever.
"No! it are my Fav' rit!"
daaaaaaw...someone just earned herself some freetime in the deli. <3
After an initially moment of confusion the Captain realized her entire face was now covered in blood...
...ever play the game "Wet?" In it you play as a female wetworks operative on a series of hit missions. However, if a blood splash ever nails her in the face she freaks the fuck out and sees the world in a wash of red, and silhouettes and proceeds to go on a berserker killing spree.
Yeah...this happens to The Captain when you slather her face in blood too, apparently.
Anyhow, she snatched not just a tiny nibble of the steak out of my wife's hands, but the whole God Damned thing.
I like the way she wags her lil abdomen like a kitty happily waggin her tail.
I think I'll buy her some pig's blood at a butchers shop soon, and let her go swimming!
Yaaaaay! Tubby time for the Captain!
EDIT:
Um...well the Captain dropped it and my wife mistakenly thought that she was done with it, and removed the murder McNugget from the floor of the terror-ium.
What followed had to be the cutest thing I have ever seen from my little sluaghter sausage ever.
"No! it are my Fav' rit!"
daaaaaaw...someone just earned herself some freetime in the deli. <3
shaowebb
Member
Seasons greetings from The Captain everyone!
The Captain has a very special holiday message for you all in the form of a greeting card.
How...sweet.
More eggs.
That puts us at around something like 1200 mantis (manti?) babies in a few months hatching out.
The Captain is going through her post spawning murder fiesta el grande right now, but she's a bit too hidden by the sticks to get a camera on her. She chased them into a hole and now the crickets can't escape her.
...
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
The Captain has a very special holiday message for you all in the form of a greeting card.
How...sweet.
More eggs.
That puts us at around something like 1200 mantis (manti?) babies in a few months hatching out.
The Captain is going through her post spawning murder fiesta el grande right now, but she's a bit too hidden by the sticks to get a camera on her. She chased them into a hole and now the crickets can't escape her.
...
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
The Holstein of Venice
Neo Member
I like this mantis better than flying madagascar hissing cockroaches, but I don't like this mantis because it could probably kill me in my sleep.
LabouredSubterfuge
Member
:lol :lol
Amazing thread.
Amazing thread.
The Technomancer
card-carrying scientician
How did I not discover this thread....dude, I would be absolutely terrified to keep one of those in a terrarium. :lol
BladeoftheImmortal
Member
I'm not a fan of insects, but this one seems cool.
shaowebb
Member
UPDATE: The Captain's health is in decline.
Since my last post the Captain has been a bit...off.
She's already lived longer since I got her than a normal mantis should...and that's not taking into account that she was already fully grown when I found her. In other words...the Captain is ancient.
She has trouble climbing now. Her foot pads simply don't have much grip left, and we've set the sticks up to allow her to climb to the ceiling where she likes to hang out. It's either that or allow her to spend days falling off the glass attempting to get up there.
However, now she's even worse. She can no longer hang out on the roof sometimes without falling (she's lost strength and it's a struggle to hang), and she is quite obviously lacking most of her vision now, as well.
That's right...the Captain MISSES now when she tries to shank. We set up a fabric hammock hung from the roof of half the terrarium for her to climb up to the top easily and for her to safely fall off of since there was no other way to hang a slide under her in case she fell again.
However...this isn't the worst news.
"My name...is Captain Badass...and I ...I...just laid 400 more eggs..."
That's right...she is currently laying here 4th batch of eggs putting her at roughly 1600 eggs. Everytime she has done this she has become extremely weak, and has not faired well afterwards. She has always had to go on a murderspree just to recover enough nutrients to survive the process, but last time she barely had the strength to try and only picked at her food for days, too weak to do anything more ambitious than her normal murdering numbers.
Today...the Captain may die from this.
If she goes I'm giving her a Viking fucking funeral for being the Baddest fucker ever to explode another living creature with there own appendagables.
EDIT: and saving to buy her a Star named after her to insure she makes it to the Heavens....and just to insure that there is a star named Captain Badass for all human history!
Since my last post the Captain has been a bit...off.
She's already lived longer since I got her than a normal mantis should...and that's not taking into account that she was already fully grown when I found her. In other words...the Captain is ancient.
She has trouble climbing now. Her foot pads simply don't have much grip left, and we've set the sticks up to allow her to climb to the ceiling where she likes to hang out. It's either that or allow her to spend days falling off the glass attempting to get up there.
However, now she's even worse. She can no longer hang out on the roof sometimes without falling (she's lost strength and it's a struggle to hang), and she is quite obviously lacking most of her vision now, as well.
That's right...the Captain MISSES now when she tries to shank. We set up a fabric hammock hung from the roof of half the terrarium for her to climb up to the top easily and for her to safely fall off of since there was no other way to hang a slide under her in case she fell again.
However...this isn't the worst news.
"My name...is Captain Badass...and I ...I...just laid 400 more eggs..."
That's right...she is currently laying here 4th batch of eggs putting her at roughly 1600 eggs. Everytime she has done this she has become extremely weak, and has not faired well afterwards. She has always had to go on a murderspree just to recover enough nutrients to survive the process, but last time she barely had the strength to try and only picked at her food for days, too weak to do anything more ambitious than her normal murdering numbers.
Today...the Captain may die from this.
If she goes I'm giving her a Viking fucking funeral for being the Baddest fucker ever to explode another living creature with there own appendagables.
EDIT: and saving to buy her a Star named after her to insure she makes it to the Heavens....and just to insure that there is a star named Captain Badass for all human history!
Lionel Mandrake
Member
This is sad.
WyndhamPrice
Member
Poor Captain, this has been a highly entertaining thread. She can die knowing she lived a long, full, murderous life.
LabouredSubterfuge
Member
Farewell thee Captain, for all of Hell could not quench your muder-lust.
shaowebb said:
That sentence touched me. Like, really
When it's her time I will raise a glass in salute to the Captain and her wonderful, terrible life.
What are you going to do with her eggs though? I don't think waiting for them to hatch is a good idea as the minicaptains could decide to make your house theirs and murder you in your sleep. Or more likely when you are awake and screaming so they can enjoy your terror.
Are there any good places nearby where you can transplant the eggs ready to unleash hell on the local insect population?
I'm thinking Alien with you as the Space Jockey.
FunkyPajamas
Member
Wait, I don't get it. Did you ever watch Captain Badass get impregnated? How is she still laying eggs? You're not jerking off into her Terrorium, are you?
Lost Fragment
Obsessed with 4chan
Flambe said:
Indeed. I'm sure the captain will be reborn in the afterlife as a tormenter of souls in Hell. I'm sure she'll take pity on you if you give her a nice burial, shaowebb.
shaowebb
Member
THE EPIC OF CAPTAIN BADASS
It has been awhile since I last updated about the status of Captain Badass. When last I spoke of she who devours all who walk the Earth I spoke of how she was going blind, and had lost a leg. She also broke one of her shankers too.
The Captain was not bestowed the name Captain Badass lightly, however.
The Captain, no longer able to climb the tank and suffering from a loss of one arm and one leg did not die.
She became more sinister
The crickets who saw, what they thought was weakness, began to grow bold. They tried to climb the tank via the Captains hammock to devour her eggs. These eggs were removed already by me, though. This boldness was their undoing.
The Captain, missing limbs, eyes useless, began to click her mandibles. She stirred. The enemy still lived. This could not be permitted. The Captain STOOD UP from the tank floor dragging useless torn limbs behind her without a worry or fear.
A sound rose from her in the tank a shrill scream that I was unaware a Praying Mantis could make. It was a battle cry from a war withered terror reborn in the bloodlust born from the hatred of her enemies. It was a message to all who dared to think her defeated.
Her scream spoke to their spirits and froze them in fear.
The message was understood the Captain was not trapped helpless at the floor they were trapped helplessly WITH her.
The crickets, having moved around seeking The Captains brood, had revealed their positions to her. She no longer needed her eyes to hunt. Her senses had grown keener with anger and she could sense the movement of the terrified crickets around her like frightened beacons winking around her from lighthouses about to be consumed by the storm of Captain Badasss anger.
The first cricket came within range Captain Badass, lacking to arms to grab and kill with resorted to a far more feral method of combat.
She began to tackle crickets and tear their heads off with her mandibles. She lunged like an enraged tiger occasionally letting out another howl of anger at the crickets for ever daring to think her able to succumb to death with her prey left unslain on the battlefield.
She wasnt even bothering to eat the crickets she sought to paint her legacy on the terrorium floor in the blood of her enemies before she drew her last breathe. She was killing them with feral disregard for the damage she took. Several crickets tried to devour the Captains tail. Though, much damage was taken, little heed to their efforts was paid by the timeless one. The ancient mantis devil who would not succumb to death.
She began to stomp them underfoot. Holding her panicked assailants captive beneath her barbed heels until she had finished tearing apart any crickets that still stood before her. Eventually they were all the remained.
She killed them slowly. A leg here, a thorax there...until eventually none stood alive in the terrorium save Captain Badass.
Then marred in the blood of her fallen the Captain stood, refusing to fall above all the dead at her feat. She then dragged herself to the highest part of the terrorium and drew her last breath.
The Captain has passed from this world.
I prepare the ship now to carry Captain Badass on her journey to Valhalla.
It will be filmed a snow storm blankets West Virginia tonight to honor the passage of Captain Badass from this world.
It has been awhile since I last updated about the status of Captain Badass. When last I spoke of she who devours all who walk the Earth I spoke of how she was going blind, and had lost a leg. She also broke one of her shankers too.
The Captain was not bestowed the name Captain Badass lightly, however.
The Captain, no longer able to climb the tank and suffering from a loss of one arm and one leg did not die.
She became more sinister
The crickets who saw, what they thought was weakness, began to grow bold. They tried to climb the tank via the Captains hammock to devour her eggs. These eggs were removed already by me, though. This boldness was their undoing.
The Captain, missing limbs, eyes useless, began to click her mandibles. She stirred. The enemy still lived. This could not be permitted. The Captain STOOD UP from the tank floor dragging useless torn limbs behind her without a worry or fear.
A sound rose from her in the tank a shrill scream that I was unaware a Praying Mantis could make. It was a battle cry from a war withered terror reborn in the bloodlust born from the hatred of her enemies. It was a message to all who dared to think her defeated.
Her scream spoke to their spirits and froze them in fear.
The message was understood the Captain was not trapped helpless at the floor they were trapped helplessly WITH her.
The crickets, having moved around seeking The Captains brood, had revealed their positions to her. She no longer needed her eyes to hunt. Her senses had grown keener with anger and she could sense the movement of the terrified crickets around her like frightened beacons winking around her from lighthouses about to be consumed by the storm of Captain Badasss anger.
The first cricket came within range Captain Badass, lacking to arms to grab and kill with resorted to a far more feral method of combat.
She began to tackle crickets and tear their heads off with her mandibles. She lunged like an enraged tiger occasionally letting out another howl of anger at the crickets for ever daring to think her able to succumb to death with her prey left unslain on the battlefield.
She wasnt even bothering to eat the crickets she sought to paint her legacy on the terrorium floor in the blood of her enemies before she drew her last breathe. She was killing them with feral disregard for the damage she took. Several crickets tried to devour the Captains tail. Though, much damage was taken, little heed to their efforts was paid by the timeless one. The ancient mantis devil who would not succumb to death.
She began to stomp them underfoot. Holding her panicked assailants captive beneath her barbed heels until she had finished tearing apart any crickets that still stood before her. Eventually they were all the remained.
She killed them slowly. A leg here, a thorax there...until eventually none stood alive in the terrorium save Captain Badass.
Then marred in the blood of her fallen the Captain stood, refusing to fall above all the dead at her feat. She then dragged herself to the highest part of the terrorium and drew her last breath.
The Captain has passed from this world.
I prepare the ship now to carry Captain Badass on her journey to Valhalla.
It will be filmed a snow storm blankets West Virginia tonight to honor the passage of Captain Badass from this world.
crazy monkey
Banned
RIP Captain Badass.
Lionel Mandrake
Member
evil solrac v3.0
Member
ALL HAIL CAPTAIN BADASS!!! TO GLORY!!
RebornYeti
Member
Awww, poor Captain.
She was truly a Badass.
RIP
She was truly a Badass.
RIP
RumblingRosco
Member
RIP Captain Badass.
shaowebb
Member
The funeral will go up in the next few days. That way all of you Honor Guards to Captain Badass can collectively join in raising your glasses to this dark creature of malciousness as she ventures forth to devastate the viking hall of slain warriors.
War party funerals are the best funerals.
Dynamite Ringo Matsuri
Member
I'm inclined to agree. I've been lurking in this thread since the beginning and find your sense of awe and attentiveness toward this curious creature to be pretty touching. It's been a strange and entertaining journey. I salute you Captain Badass, may you continue ravaging souls in the depths of the underworld.purg3 said:
Lionel Mandrake
Member
Need an "RIP" or something in the thread title now.
sonikokaruto
Banned
holy shit, i just thru the whole thread
it was awesome dude, captain, rest in peace
it was awesome dude, captain, rest in peace
PflargBlarg
Member
This is the greatest thread I have ever read on gaf. I salute you, I salute Captain Badass.
CF_Fighter
Member
Asgard is about to get destroyed!
Lost Fragment
Obsessed with 4chan
shaowebb said:
The mantis-themed figurehead is a nice touch.
evil solrac v3.0
Member
will there be a public viewing for the citizenry?
EraldoCoil
Member
.....SO SAY WE ALL!
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