ALRIGHT ALRIGHT OKAY LET'S GO.
NOW, YOU FOLKS KNOW I'M A RED AND WHITE BLOODED CANADIAN. MY DIET CONSISTS OF TIM HORTON'S COFFEE, TIM HORTON'S SANDWICHES, TIM HORTON'S DONUTS, TIM HORTON'S SOUPS, AN' SOME TIM HORTON'S CHIPS. IT'S LIKE DRINKIN' DOWN DRAIN CLEANER, EH. IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR SYSTEM, EH.
ANYHOW, HERE WE GO, FOLKS. STANLEY CUP FINALS. WE GOT THE KINGS GOIN' AGAINST THE RANGERS, EH. THIS IS GONNA BE A BEAUTY, AN' I AIN'T JUST TALKIN' 'BOUT HENNIK LANDKISSED.
LOOK AT HIM WEARIN' THAT SUIT, EH. MAN AFTER MY OWN HEART. AN' HE'S A SWEDE, TOO. IT AIN'T RIGHT, BUT THAT'S OKAY. HE LOOKS LIKE HE WASHES HIS HANDS, EH.
I'M LOOKIN' AT BOTH OF THESE TEAMS AN' THEIR ROSTERS ARE PRETTY CANADIAN, EH. I USUALLY JUDGE WINNERS BASED ON CANADIANS, BUT THEY GOT 'BOUT AN EQUAL AMOUNT, EH. LA'S GOT MORE CANADIANS, BUT THE RANGERS GOT RICKY NASH, MARTY ST. LOUIS, MARC STAAL, AN' BRAD RICHARDS - REAL GOOD CANADIANS, EH. BUT LA'S GOT TONS OF GOOD ONTARIO KIDS, THOUGH. LA IS BASICALLY ONTARIO WEST, EH. YOU GOT JEFF CARTER AN' DREW DOUGHTY FROM LONDON, ONTARIO, MIKEY RICHARDS FROM KENORA, ONTARIO, TYLER TINFOILHAT FROM GOOD OL' SCARBOROUGH, ONTARIO, JUSTIN WILLIAMS FROM COBOURG, ONTARIO, AN' A BUNCH'A OTHER GUYS FROM ALL OVER THE PROVINCE, EH.
WHAT'S GONNA WIN THIS SERIES? GOALS? ASSISTS? GOALTENDING? NO, FOLKS, IT'S WHO'S GOT THE REAL CANADIANS, EH. CLASS WINS, FOLKS. SCORE AIN'T GONNA MATTER, IT'S HOW CANADIAN, EH. WHO'S GONNA WEAR THEIR SUITS BETTER, WHO'S GONNA WALK TO THE DRESSIN' ROOM BETTER, WHO'S GONNA TALK 'BOUT THE GAME TO THE MEDIA BETTER, AN' THE LIST GOES ON.
GOIN' BACK TO LA, YOU GOT JONATHAN QUICK IN NET. NOW, I KNOW FOLKS WERE COUNTIN' HIM OUT, EH, BUT HE'S SHOWIN' THAT HE'S A REAL ELITE GOALTENDER DURING THESE PLAYOFFS, EH. HE AIN'T GOOD LOOKIN' LIKE HENNIK LANDKISSED, BUT THAT'S OKAY. THIS AIN'T A BEAUTY CONTEST, EH.
MARTY ST. LOUIS'S MOM JUST PASSED AWAY, SO YOU KNOW HE'S REAL MOTIVATED, EH. ASKIN' FOR A TRADE FROM TAMPA BAY AN' BEIN' SNUBBED FROM THE CANADIAN OLYMPIC TEAM SEEMS AGES ALREADY. YOU KNOW HE'S GOT THAT FIRE IN HIS LITTLE BELLY, EH. REAL COMPETE. REAL CANADIAN COMPETE.
MERRIN GABIK'S A VISOR-WEARIN' COMMIE EURO. I DON'T LIKE IT. IT AIN'T RIGHT. NONETHELESS, HE'S GONNA BE A FACTOR IN LA WINNIN' THE CUP, EH. GET HIM GOIN', AN HE'S GONNA GO, EH. IT'S SCIENCE. NOT COMMIE SCIENCE, EH.
FOLKS, IT'S GONNA BE A GOOD SERIES, EH.
BEFORE I FORGET, FOLKS. HERE ARE SOME TIPS ON HOW TO WATCH THE FINALS:
GET A TV - THIS IS REAL IMPORTANT, EH.
TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES - STEPPIN' ON CARPET WITH SHOES ON AIN'T RIGHT, EH.
TUNE INTO HOCKEY NIGHT IN CANADA - THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO WATCH HOCKEY, EH.
BE A GOOD CANADIAN KID - IF YOU AIN'T ONE, BE ONE, EH.
BE A GOOD ONTARIO KID - BE A GOOD ONTARIO KID, EH.
NOW, LET ME TELL YOU KIDS A STORY: I WAS IN THE BATHROOM, WASHIN' MY HANDS, WHEN I SAW A BUNCH OF VISOR-WEARIN' COMMIES WALK IN AN' GET IN A STALL. THEY LEFT THE DOOR OPEN AN' I WAS WATCHIN' 'EM: THESE GUYS WERE ALL SITTIN' DOWN WATCHIN' THE PLAYOFFS, WEARIN' THEIR SHOES ON THE CARPET AN' PRAYIN' TO STALIN. BOY, I WAS STEAMED. YOU DON'T WEAR SHOES ON THE CARPET, EH. MAYBE I'M OLD FASHIONED, BUT THAT AIN'T CANADIAN. AN' THEN THEY WERE PRAYIN' TO STALIN, LIKE THEY'RE TAUGHT IN THE COMMUNIST MANIFESTO, EH. DON'T EVEN READ IT, FOLKS, IT'LL GIVE YOU BAD ADVICE. IT AIN'T RIGHT. ANYHOW, THEY'RE IN THERE CHANTIN' FUNNY STUFF TO STALIN, WHEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN, A BUNCH OF CANADIANS RAN IN. THEY TOOK THEIR SHOES OFF AN' WENT INSIDE A STALL. WHAT DID THEY DO? THEY OPENED UP SOME MOLSONS, SHOOK EACH OTHER'S HANDS, AN' STARTED WATCHIN' THE GAME. THEY STARTED SINGIN' THE CANADIAN ANTHEM, TOO. I WAS SO PROUD, BOY, LET ME TELL YOU. THOSE COMMIES WERE SO EMBARRASSED, THEY TOOK OFF THEIR VISORS, AN' RAN BACK TO THE SOVIET UNION TO APOLOGIZE TO STALIN, EH. THEY EVEN FORGOT TO WASH THEIR HANDS, THAT AIN'T RIGHT. ALWAYS WASH YOUR HANDS, EH.
THOSE CANADIANS REMINDED ME OF BOBBY ORR. GOD LOVE 'EM.
