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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #125 - "Performance Anxiety"

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T

Tangent

Member
Mike M said:
Tangent -- Inevitable Questions: “Do you know about algebraic topology?” Wow, that’s a hell of a pick up line... I had mixed feelings about this one. On the one hand, it’s an interesting window into a culture I don’t know much about (I had a general ed class in anthropology that turned out to be about nothing but India, but that’s it), but on the other hand it’s a pair of super nerds talking about math. The whole time. I work in a scientific field and would gnaw my arm off at the shoulder to escape such a conversation. Glad it worked out for them, but it strikes me as fortunate to the point of straining credulity that they would both be blindsided that the other has a graduate degree in mathematics. Seems like that would be the basis for the match and that such information would be imparted to them before they ever met.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the feedback! Believe it or not, this is a true story with few facts actually changed (at least as far as I know). Even the part about the guy not knowing about how the girl liked math. It's actually a story that's sort of close to home, and I've wanted to write it for a while now. It felt funny to do so.
Oh, and yes, I agree, this story is oozing with nerdiness. It's surreal.

GRW810 said:
Holy shit, the entries have been pouring in recently! Glad I didn't have an idea worth submitting if only so I've avoided having to analytically read seventeen short in two days!
Click to expand...
Seriously. It's intimidating! Not sure how I'm going to finish reading 17 stories in 2 days, but if there's a will, there's a way. I guess!
 
T

toddhunter

Member
Thanks for all the stories. I spent a lot of time going back and forth on the votes. Some minor feedback:

ElectricBlanketFire: Dating Tips For The Nervous Nelly

Nicely put together. I'm guessing a Family Guy fan? I could actually picture some of the cartoons in my head as I was reading. One early problem I had was hitting the word "pre-teen". I wasn't sure why that came into it and it stuck in my head as something that was out of place with the rest of the work. Enjoyed it alot though and it was nice to have something lighter of about the right length.

ronito: Cursor

I also have a guitar in my room gathering dust. Except I was never good at playing it so instead it serves as an indicator of what could be, given the work, not what once was.

So yeah, maybe buy a flute? (but otherwise, the writing was nicely put together for what it was, you have clearly done this before).

kaepernickehs: Performance Anxiety -- Anxious Performance

I thought it started well, with an interesting concept relating to your "performance". But then it seemed to drift in and out of different pacing and motivations for the main character. It seemed to turn from something interesting into a more standard inner reflection which dropped the concepts I liked at the beginning. I'd like to see you stick more with the person being watched theme and see where that goes.

SquiddyCracker: First day

To be honest I kind of wanted to slap the main character to make him tell the story more clearly. It is an interesting device jumping around as if he was telling it in a fractured style, but it also results in your story having the same issue. Probably just needs a bit of refinement to smooth it all out.

Chainsawkitten: My Vulvic Nest

Well I can say it was extremely well written and I found myself getting drawn into the imagery you were creating.
Unfortunately the more ... controversial themes, took my right back out of it. I guess you were going for something there, so fair enough, but I personally wished you didn't as it seemed forced to me and very out of place.

mu cephi: Upside Downside

Interesting sort of world and a lot happens. However perhaps too much happens for a short story? I was a bit lost as to why he had to go downside considering how much he was trying to avoid it (and rightly so given the ending). Seems to me there would need to be another solution or a bit of a fight put up first. Would work great as a longer story I'd expect.

multivac: The Butcher of Stormeer

Nice story, I'll only just say that I'd rather have longer paragraphs with more description of what is going on. Instead you seem to be moving things along at a really fast pace which made it feel a little bit rushed. Of course that is probably due to the word limit but it meant it was all spread too thin.

Aaron: Sodom's Secret

I really liked the dialogue in this story. The consistency and committment to the period is something that I missed in my story I think (not having really decided upon one). The story itself didn't grab me as much and I felt like it could have done with more of a twist or exploration of the motivations.

Tangent: Inevitable Questions

Just found it hard to get into this one. Can probably write it off as getting lost amongst all the other entries. Need to go more commercial ;)

Cyan: By the Book

Solid story, enjoyed it a lot. I will say that the rule against "anthropomorphize your AI construct" kind of seemed odd given they put in effort to appearance and cute actions like preening. Seems to me the marketing departments of the time are intentionally causing trouble.

hey_monkey: Still

A pretty tough thing to write I imagine and you held it together well throughout the length of the story. Didn't really enjoy it of course, but that would be the point. Well done.

Mike M: The Process

As usual it read nicely, but I thought it was an idea spread far too thin and I'm not a fan of all the TV show references. Overall just felt like something I had read before, if not a particularly well written work.

Thanks for the feedback btw, will take that on board with the choice of dialogue given I ever expand on it.

Nezumi: The Fox and the Kettle

A bit different from the other stories in that I didn't like the opening and found it a bit confusing to follow. From there though, things really got going and I found the exchange between the two characters quite interesting.
I was a bit disappointed that there didn't seem to be any pay off at the end. One of those stories I think that I'd like to read chapter two to see where it was going (assuming it isn't towards hot steamy fox sex...well maybe)

Ashes1396: blighted candle

Very powerful and extremely well written opening. From there unfortunately I found it hard to follow. It was probably a combination of the themes I'm not too familiar with and the choice of formatting as the work became a lot more broad.
I'd have preferred it was kept shorter and more linearly focused, especially given the style.

Bootaaay: No Choice in the Matter

I had some feedback in my head when I finished it...but then read your spoilered section and you pretty much trumped it :) More space and time would have helped you flesh out the issues. Unfortunately I don't think I can help you on the genre.

Ward: Neon Nights Look Larger As Approached

One of those stories where I was reading along confused until I got to the point where you explained what you were getting at. Once there, I quite enjoyed it and think it was an interesting concept. It was a struggle though (probably due to reading so many diverse pieces) so maybe just need to tighten up the opening somehow to keep readers pushing on.
I will say that I didn't like the ending with the use of real names. I don't think the story needed it and it detracted from what you had built up. I already had those images in my head, so it would have been better to leave it ambiguous.


Picks

1.) ElectricBlanketFire
2.) hey_monkey
3.) Cyan

HM: kaepernickehs for an interesting concept, Ward for being oh so close.
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
Thanks, guys. I am debating working on this for my thesis, but it IS very hard to write. I started researching for the project when I was pregnant, which made it worse. Haven't been able to go back to it since my daughter was born, so I'm glad for the challenge giving me a reason to tackle one of the tough scenes. Still don't know if I want to keep pursuing it, though. Stillbirth photography is really fascinating, but just really, really hard to engage with.
 
M

mu cephei

Member
ElectricBlanketFire: Dating Tips For The Nervous Nelly
Funny.

Ronito: Cursor
This made me want to read your stuff.

toddhunter: The Rising Saga
There are some nice details/ observations in this. I did think the writing was a bit awkward in places, with too many words, and there are a few odd word choices in my opinion, random examples:, ‘astray’ I think would be better as ‘awry’; ‘proceeded to continue’ I think should be simply ‘continued’. I guess that’s just editing. Also I didn’t get much of a sense of place, some indicators were a bit contradictory. I thought the story was pretty funny overall, the Stalkers were intriguing and I enjoyed it.

kaepernickehs: Performance Anxiety -- Anxious Performance
I like the idea, but the story itself was hella depressing, and the style didn’t do much to draw me into it.

SquiddyCracker: First day
To begin with I thought this was utterly bonkers. The conversational tone jumped around just a bit too much for me. Also in places it felt more like sketching out a cool conceit for later use than an actual story. We’re just told stuff for most of it, and so it wasn’t as engaging as it could have been. I laughed at Very Bad Thing. I liked the ending a lot.

Chainsawkitten: My Vulvic Nest
Great title. To be honest the first time I read this I had no definite idea as to what was going on - I thought it possible it was some sort of drug trip, but I wasn’t sure. I read it again after I saw Mike M’s critique, and it made a whole lot more sense. Bits of it were pretty unpleasant, but that’s not a bad thing; I thought a lot of the imagery was really vivid and interesting. As a reader I probably can’t do it justice, though. Props for ambition in any case.

multivac: The Butcher of Stormeer
I found the start ever-so-slightly confusing, I had to read it twice. I loved the end of first section ‘I’m not a lord, I’m the executioner’! I liked that the story was a build up to the act/ performance anxiety, but the way the story ended didn’t quite do justice to the rest of it.

Aaron: Sodom’s Secret
The style of writing/ language really fit with the story. I liked the sly hints. Some good lines, for example, ‘dirty faces... all their secrets had been strangled with me’. I really liked the idea of his ability but I guess I didn’t really get the ending, I would have liked it a bit clearer.

Tangent: Inevitable Questions
I thought the start was a little slow, with too many words. The use of tenses was a bit messy. I liked the turn it took with the capslock topology, that was funny. Overall, simple but enjoyable. Regarding your queries when you posted it, I thought the use of different pov’s was fine, and I didn’t notice anything wrong with internal dialogue either.

Cyan: By the Book
This had a nice sense of mystery, which built as the story progressed. The ending was good, too, with Meg discovering Wendell’s orchestration of things. A possible discrepancy is that she’s in the bathroom because she didn’t want to ‘get around’ the cameras, but then fiddles the cameras to remove the bug?

hey_monkey: Still
‘Mimi had expected a nurse, but it was a man who opened the door’ - I know what you were after but I found that quite amusing. Possibly there was a bit of descriptive padding. Some nice lines such as ‘words break around her like waves’. I thought this was very good.

Mike M: The Process
Great opening. Some really good lines, ‘the cat, desperately trying to reach the litter box in the laundry without being noticed’. ‘cack cat’ ‘confused at a distance as being presentable’. I thought it particularly hilarious at the garden/ cloud description, where I’d just stopped to jot down ‘too much description’ then read the rest of it. Also liked where you wrote about accidentally having the same two words in sentence then had ‘few’ twice in a subsequent sentence. I did think it lost it in a few places (e.g. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday Michael) but overall was really good.

Nezumi: The Fox and the Kettle
Pretty amusing. Some minor errors in writing and a tired phrase or two (gurgling brooks). Some good lines, I particularly liked ‘if I can only be a kettle I’m going to be the most famous kettle there ever was’. I thought the ending was a bit odd.

Ashes1396: blighted candle
Really engrossing, so much so I didn’t stop to make notes. It was a little clumsy in a few places, for example the conversation stopped feeling like a conversation at times. Great ending.

Bootaaay: No Choice in the Matter
Well, you asked, so, yes, I did think this had several cliches, including: ‘local law enforcement fall into two types’, the drinking habit, the murderer’s confession. I think you’re right about the ending, it didn’t have quite the impact it could’ve had. Having said that, I liked it, I thought the mystery worked and it was very readable.

Ward: Neon Nights Look Larger As Approached
I thought this was a bit weird. And also confusing - using an ignorant main character so that the reader learns along with him was good, but it felt like he was pretty confused for most of the story too. And then... Pink Floyd? Possibly this is based on some lyrics of theirs or something. I’m afraid I just didn’t get it.

1 - Mike M
2 - hey_monkey
3 - Ashes1396

HM: Aaron, multivac, cyan. But there were so many good entries, this was really hard.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
hey_monkey said:
Dashes are life, man. Em and en. I love the dash.

Ashes, I've been rendering dialogue in some of my pieces in italics. Feels right, man. I write such internal stuff that emphasizing the dialogue like that changes the story dynamic. I support your choices.
Click to expand...

Thank you.

btw, did talk to an editor friend, who backed up what I felt - she talked about it going back to typewriters [and that the software should have done it automatically for me]. She's upset with me though. doesn't think I do my self any favours. Or well.. At least I'm not insane... You learn stuff, you pick stuff up, and then you forget where or when you learnt it. or whether it is correct.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Cyan said:
I love em-dashes so much. Maybe too much.

But I always use two en-dashes to represent an em-dash. :p
Click to expand...

I suppose the problem is that it draws attention to itself, instead of being the opposite and being bare text. It works on longer pieces, where readers can get used to it, and all your left with is just the beautiful text, without extensive or irrelevant marks. But I guess the text has to be written by somebody with greater skill than I. I'll probably go back to the norm, which is a shame really.
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
Whew.

ElectricBlanketFire: Funny, definitely funny, with some really great details (love the socket wrench Facebook status, for instance), but a little too messy and some things I just don't quite get. Maybe they're references I'm missing, and maybe they could have gone a bit farther. Not sure. Love this take on the theme, though.

ronito: I really like the walk thorugh your past stories. Reminds me of all the things I love about the challenges and what I've missed by not being around. I think you hit both themes really well here, too. That last full paragraph is a killer, too.

Toddhunter: There are some genuinely funny moments here -- I really like the run-in with Sarah's butt, for instance -- and the three guys have distinct personalities, which is hard to pull off with three characters in a small space. But I think there's so much runway, as it were, developing the moment in the inn that the moment with the Stalker just doesn't have much tension for me. I think a lot of the first half could have probably been cut without hurting the story at all. I like the clash of contemporary names and dialogue with what seems to be a fantasy setting, though I'd love to see that developed more. I think there's potential there.

Kinda agree with mu cephei re: word choice, too. Some odd verbs as dialogue tags in particular. Sometimes it worked, but was distracting at other times.

not copernicus: An interesting idea (all y'all who took this appraoch managed to make it interesting), but for me there's too much I have to ferret out and put together. Slow reveals. And that's fine, except I gotta say, I find it difficult to get that invested when the overall style and line-level writing is so uneven. Story like this probably works better outside of the challenge arena, when there's more time to put into it.

SquiddyCracker: GREAT take on the secondary objective. Hell, on both objectives. Creative and interesting. I did wonder for too long whom the death was talking to, and I've got to say I'm not personally a fan of talky stories like this unless I know the "audience." So the main drawback for me was the reveal. Once I got to the end, I wondered, why not just frame it that way from the beginning? But there are so many great moments here. Loved the read.

Chainsawkitten: Welp, this hits the themes like whoa. And what a world created here! I really wanted to see a lot more of this and really wished it was a larger work! I couldn't ever really tell if it was all drugs creating these images or if we were also just in a really fucked-up world made moreso by drugs. That said, there was too much I felt I didn't know. I was never grounded. And I'm guessing that's part of the intent, but I really wanted something to hang onto. Also, a weird thing: I was really aware of all those possessive pronouns. I think you could cut a lot of them for tighter prose.

mu cephei: Hell of a read. Thought it ended a bit abruptly but otherwise absolutely loved it. Great worldbuilding, great character development. You accomplish so, so much in this space, and the writing is tight, too.

multivac: Enjoyed the prose and the action, but I feel like it's missing a lot of development. Agree with the others, though, that this could easily be expanded into something longer!

Aaron: Love the narration here. Really well crafted. I think I just wanted a little more out of it. More impact, maybe. But a great read.

Tangent: Love the story. Agreed that there should probably be a better way to present it. I read something recently that had two perspectives that went really out there and did a two-column format, but it was an epic effort: that biz matched paragraph for paragraph, with echoing metaphors and all kinds of wild technique. I can't imagine what it took to craft it. And that's extreme, but I mention it to say, hey, try different things. Simple things like section breaks; weird things like alignment changes (right for her, left for him), all sorts of things. See what works. (Alternately, I think just her perspective would be fine, too, but I understand the urge to do both.) Because I like what you're doing here and the echoes. I love the way this twists the arranged marriage story, and how they break out, how compatible they happen to be. I just think it ends up being a little hard to follow.

Cyan: A pleasure to be reading you again, sir. Though maybe a little heavy on the damn its. Really torn here overall. The mystery is great, but it felt a little Bond-explainy at the end. I like the setting, but it also raises a ton of questions that strain believability. The writing, of course, is great.

Mike M: I'm a sucker for cute children in stories as in life. A LOT of moments here that made me giggle. But in the end, where does this really go? I'm entertained for sure. Is that enough? I don't know.

Nezumi: Ah, tanuki. Endless fonts of ball-jokes. Some funny moments here, but I'm not really sure what the takeaway is beyond the funny.

Ashes: I really like the title. Deeply emotional and very affecting. I think my only criticism would be that it begins to feel a little essaystic in the dialogue between Saira and Nasima. Otherwise I very much enjoyed this.

Bootaaay: Nice voice, and some great descriptions here. You're very aware of the flaws here, but I think it's something worth pursuing further.

Ward: Surreal as all hell, and a really interesting idea and approach that I think could have benefited greatly from a little more length. I like to be more grounded, me.

hey_monkey: Yeah, I'm critiquing myself, because I find my writing real sketch here. Probably because I was in a hurry. But some repeated phrases, some real tired descriptions, some go-tos that I need to shed (how often do people really bite their lips and draw blood? A goddamned lot in my stories, alas), and some shaky sentences. But other than those things, I'm happier with this moment than I thought I'd be. You done mostly good, monkey girl.

1. mu cephei
2. Tangent
3. Ashes
HM: Bootaaay, Mike M., Chainsawkittens (I fucking need more votes, people).
 
A

Ashes

Banned
I don't know if I will do this for all of them, but here goes the first round:

@ElectricBlanketFire: I liked it. The right length too.
@ronito: Hey old friend. Long time no see. Felt like a good old chinwag.
@toddhunter: Too much redundant filler got in the way of what could - after a few drafts - be a decent story.
 
S

SquiddyCracker

Banned
ElectricBlanketFire: Dating Tips For The Nervous Nelly

Comedy!
I liked it, although I think you should have gone the whole way and written the first chapted of a first-help book in this style :p

ronito: Cursor

Worst story ever.
-10/10.
I want to hear more of the donkey.

toddhunter: The Rising Saga

Nice bully story with a fantasy twist.

kaepernickehs: Performance Anxiety -- Anxious Performance

That trailer got my hyped up a bit, and fortunately the actual thing wasn't a let down.

SquiddyCracker: First day

The next fucking Poe!
Bravo!

Chainsawkitten: My Vulvic Nest

Wonderfully disturbing!

mu cephi: Upside Downside

Loved it!
Excellent theme, excellent world building.

multivac: The Butcher of Stormeer

I didn't expect that ending, but it was an overall interesting tale.
Thought it would end with some sort of allegory of how he is walking in the steps of his "father" by becoming a butcher as well - of criminals.

Aaron: Sodom's Secret

Exquisite.
I think you nailed the primary objective.

Tangent: Inevitable Questions

Nailed both of the objectives imho in your tale of arranged marriage.

Cyan: By the Book

I did not actually see teh tweest coming, nice job.

hey_monkey: Still

Well written and, even more important, quite powerful.

Mike M: The Process

images


Nezumi: The Fox and the Kettle

Love it when stories snap up a little bit of actual mythology and use it creatively.

Ashes1396: blighted candle

Yeah, I'm not too sure about dashes, though I can see their usefulness.

Bootaaay: No Choice in the Matter

I'm too carb-starved to notice any plot holes, though it was a pretty neat story. I agree with what you had hoped to write, and think a couple of changes here and there would have made for an even better story.

Ward: Neon Nights Look Larger As Approached

Dreamy.

I think I'll go as follows with the votes:

1. mu cephi: Upside Downside
2. hey_monkey: Still
3. Aaron: Sodom's Secret
Really close one: Vulvic nest. It was pretty great.
 
A

Aaron

Member
votes:
1- Tangent
2- Chainsawkitten
3- kaepernickehs (story builder)

Quick comments

ElectricBlanketFire: The idea is fine, but the structure is a little plain. If it was set up like some of the more old fashioned essays it could have been devastatingly witty.

ronito: Do or do not. There is no try.

Toddhunter: It starts so general and generic that by the time it gets going I can't be engaged by it.

kaepernickehs: The trailer was too good. It made the actual story seem worse than it was.

SquiddyCracker: I've seen and read this subject so many times that I can't see your individual story through the haze. I honestly can't judge it.

Chainsawkitten: It was awash in detail, but just a little more underpinnings of what the overall story was would have helped.

mu cephei: There's not enough detail about the world you're creating conveyed to the reader when they need it. You can throw out a few new terms and oddities to a reader and they'll just roll with it, but you're taken liberties you haven't earned.

multivac: I really liked it, aside from where the executioner explains his trade when you could have taught by example, and the ending is a slowly deflating balloon.

Tangent: A hand off like this between POVs is always difficult. I personally never felt confused by it here, though you could have done more to convey the different ways they think through the narrative, which would make their connection at the end all the more significant.

Cyan: This desperately needed something to happen. While the conversation and spying stuff is all good, like in every good spy movie there needed to be an event that all of this could congeal around. Otherwise it feels too ephemeral. Also watch Three Days of the Condor if you haven't already.

hey_monkey: Everything was quiet in a maternity ward? Now I know that's fiction. It's bittersweet in a great way but hovers dangerously close to melodrama. I wish there had been no set up, but the main character goes in, takes the pictures, and completely breaks down afterwards.

Mike M: Don't take this the wrong way, but you are really pandering to your audience here. It's well written, but I just can't like it.

Nezumi: It started out very promising, but gets bogged down in a conversation that ultimately doesn't go anywhere.

Ashes: It's devastatingly powerful, but I want to read a story, not someone's notes for a story they might write someday. It cries out for all the little flourishes, the pauses, the glances, that could make it something special.

Bootaaay: We had similar stories and similar problems there. It's almost there, but needed a little more thought and another revision to pull it all together.

Ward: I wish you had pushed for something more surreal and dream like considering the characters involved.
 
M

multivac

Member
Seems like it took as long to sort these out into only three choices, and then rank them, as it did to read them. Nice work this week, everyone.

Votes!

1. hey_monkey: Still
2. Cyan: By the Book
3. Tangent: Inevitable Questions
 
N

Nezumi

Member
I don't think that I'll manage to read all the entries until tomorrow morning so I won't vote. I'll still try finish reading them and give some feedback sometime this week.
 
K

kehs

Banned
Still reading through, hope I get through everything tonight, few early comments:


ElectricBlanketFire: Dating Tips For The Nervous Nelly

Very funny and clever, laughed out out a few times, especially the pool hall tip. Didn’t get the punchline at the end though. Best Buy? Overall it was nice and short, and didn’t lull at all.

Ronito - Cursor

The introspectiveness is relatable to anyone who has can be reliably entertaining.

Ashes - Goosebumps, absolutely fantastic imagery and detail.

Mike M - Love the dialog, always seem natural and real.


Ward - Neon Nights Look Larger As Approached

Was totally lost within everything, which explains why I thought it was a dream as soon as you blended the room and the ballgame. I can only assume you were thinking about a tv off in the background as it seeps into your dreams?


1- Ashes

2 - Mike M

3 - Nezumi

--

Thank for the comments guys, I actually didn't get to finish my story, but I figured I'd leave it up anyways. Every time I stopped writing I intentionally left the last few thoughts as a semi closer, sorta playing into the theme so it looked finished and playing into not being able to perform. The overall idea was to tie in all the different "scenes" as examples of performance anxiety toward the end. I'll probably finish up the story this week anyways, I'll leave up the public link if anyone cares.

It was pretty autobiographical, just not all within the time frame it appears (more like years of stuff).
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
Aaron said:
hey_monkey: Everything was quiet in a maternity ward? Now I know that's fiction. It's bittersweet in a great way but hovers dangerously close to melodrama. I wish there had been no set up, but the main character goes in, takes the pictures, and completely breaks down afterwards.
Click to expand...

Quiet at the less-used end! heh. I had some trouble with the beginning for sure. One of those moments when you can totally visualize what you mean but can't quite render it.

Nice idea about no set-up, though. Hmm.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Liked all of them so far, which is a rarity, but crits have to be doled out, and so here are some more opinions:

kaepernickehs: Liked it, but not really anything uncomfortably personal there.
SquiddyCracker: death has been done to death & comedies are hard.
Chainsawkitten: kinda dull for what I was expecting.
mu cephi: liked the meat, not the sauce.
multivac: took too long to get to the good parts.
Aaron: Details were good but needs a more alluring story.
Tangent: too soft and dreamy sequency. Pretty obvious turn of events too.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Mike M said:
Then when we start off chapter four, we’re reminded “oh yeah, her husband was totally going to murder those guys, wasn’t he?” The fact that it ultimately turned out to be a piece about the therapeutic power of revenge gave it a dark edge, but maybe at the expense of kinda trivializing the subject matter?
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All interpretations of a work are valid as soon as it leaves an author. But if a story about rape ended up making rape look trivial, I, being the author, am at fault for causing a grievous injury without intent. I apologise if you were offended. I thought I'd jump in to say, that the nightmare sequence was based on research into the long term effects of rape. Rape Trauma Syndrome to be exact; nightmares are one such symptom. It is often about the rape, or something related to the rape.
I chose to write about the subject this week, because I wanted to write about Life Sentences served by the innocent. Apologies if anybody was offended.
 
K

kehs

Banned
Ashes1396 said:
All interpretations of a work are valid as soon as it leaves an author. But if a story about rape ended up making rape look trivial, I, being the author, am at fault for causing a grievous injury without intent. I apologise if you were offended. I thought I'd jump in to say, that the nightmare sequence was based on research into the long term effects of rape. Rape Trauma Syndrome to be exact; nightmares are one such symptom. It is often about the rape, or something related to the rape.
I chose to write about the subject this week, because I wanted to write about Life Sentences served by the innocent. Apologies if anybody was offended.
Click to expand...

Was this by any spurred by the recent case of the girl getting a longer sentence than the rapist?
 
A

Ashes

Banned
kaepernickehs said:
Was this by any spurred by the recent case of the girl getting a longer sentence than the rapist?
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Unfortunately, it would be a lie to say yes. I wish it had been, because rape makes people uncomfortable, and that particular story needs more light.

I first thought of writing this, back when there was a thread about The Bechdel Test.
I'll be honest and say that I thought about changing the story to dubai, and not the Uk and Pakistan, but the story was already set with a Muslim sister, and would need wholesale changes, that can't be done in 7 days. Everything was framed, I just needed the theme, and the will to actually write it.
 
K

kehs

Banned
Ashes1396 said:
Unfortunately, it would be a lie to say yes. I wish it had been, because rape makes people uncomfortable, and that particular story needs more light.

I first thought of writing this, back when there was a thread about The Bechdel Test.
I'll be honest and say that I thought about changing the story to dubai, and not the Uk and Pakistan, but the story was already set with a Muslim sister, and would need wholesale changes, that can't be done in 7 days. Everything was framed, I just needed the theme, and the will to actually write it.
Click to expand...

That's fair enough, like I said, your story gave me goosebumps because of how raw it is. Think you did a great job with it.
 
T

Tangent

Member
Man, the bad part about waiting until you're deliriously tired to vote is that it's too haphazard. Here goes:

Votes:
1. Ashes
2. hey_monkey
3. Aaron
hm: chainsawkitten, cyan

Some quick comments:
kaepernickehs -- creative layout
kaepernickehs, Mike M, and Ronito: I kind of wanted to put you three up for my top 3 votes because it was so easy to get drawn into a story about writing. Well done for choosing your audience well!
chainsawkitten: Amazing imagination, and great language, and holy crap what a trip. Sometimes hard to read, but I think you did well with the shock factor!
hey_monkey: You captured this so, so well.
cyan: Way to go for having meaningful action. That really worked well for a spy story, too.



Toddhunter: thanks for the feedback. Makes sense. Though one thing: from what advice I've read, and from what I've seen in others' writing, I think (badam ching!) thoughts are rarely in quotes. Even for our writing challenges, I spontaneously quoted thoughts with quotations in the past and readers didn't really dig it.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
1. Ashes1396 - "blighted candle"
2. Chainsawkitten - "My Vulvic Nest"
3. hey_monkey - "Still"

HM: mu cephi

Damn, awesome lineup this time around.

Mike M, you're a punk. :p
 
A

Ashes

Banned
More likes and some more crits.

Cyan: Great opening, but it kinda dropped the ball around the halfway mark.
hey_monkey: the mc discounting her miscarriages felt a little unreal. The followup was kinda crass. Most interesting subject matter I've read on here for a long while.
Mike M: this went on too long but I liked it. had some great comic timing.
Nezumi: erectile dysfunction [sort of] in furry land for er... yeah. So that happened.
Ashes1396: cinders, tinders, we all fall down.
Bootaaay: could do with a redraft. good challenge for your self though. murder mysteries tend to have bodies drop at the beginning. And the puzzle is what draws people in. I think.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
@ward: still trying to get my head around all the intricacies in this.

Right. Voting and time to make with the uncomfortably personal.

1. me old gaf brother wot wrote about his past entries about donkeys and the blinking cursor - there were subtleties here that didn't appear to be manufactured. At all. Don't know how I reconcile that with your claims about your concerts and such. o.0
2. an old poet wot won the poetry thread and now writes about photography - daunting exercise, and could be better, as all works of fiction, with a redraft, but very interesting.
3. if ron's a gaf brother, she's the gaf sista wot wrote about Indian arranged marriage [interviews?]. Just like the way you write sometimes, I guess.
hm. Mu cephai, and multi vac [both of you had half decent plots]. Oh and kaepernickehs. [Wish I'd read that live now.] Oh and Mike M's family too. [I think. o.0]. And electric's dating advice.
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
kaepernickehs said:
oh yea, i want to call out mike m for pretending to mispell my new name btw.
Click to expand...

Yes... that's exactly what happened... pretending, I was... yes...

Cyan said:
Mike M, you're a punk. :p
Click to expand...

What? What'd I do? ; )

Alright, I guess it's time to stop hoping from a miraculous come-from-behind victory for my GAFsploitation entry this week and tally the points.

1.) hey_monkey, "Still" (18 points)
2.) Ashes1396, "blighted candle" (17 points)
3.) mu cephi, "Upside Downside" (8 points)

Ashes own vote put hey_monkey over the top, that might sting a little : )
 
G

GRW810

Member
I didn't realise how much I'd miss participating. It's the first time I've chosen not to; previously only didn't submit if I was really busy or during my house move and internet switchover. Feel like I've missed out now!

Quick, get the new challenge up; the creative lobe in my brain is throbbing.
 
H

hey_monkey

Banned
Oh dang, Ashes. Thank you/I'm sorry? Hearts?

Thanks, guys. I have no fucking idea for theme. Throbbing lobes, I guess. But will get something up ASAP!
 
T

Tangent

Member
Congrats hey_monkey!!

Oh also Bootaaay, I wanted to say that if this was your first stab at a murder mystery, it was awesome. Idk too much about murder mysteries, but I liked your original take and having a character that can practically hypnotize someone into doing something they had already thought about. I think it might be fun to expand on that further. I liked the dialog a lot, but maybe you could work with the villain's dialog to make an even more eerie feel to his ability. Also, as for the MC, and his reaction to following along with the villain's dialog, it seemed a little abrupt. Perhaps the MC could find himself initially surprised by his own "give" to the villain -- mixed in with his emotions of sadness. I think you were hitting on this a little, anyway. As for the ending, I didn't actually see it coming, so that's good. But you're right: maybe something to keep up the excitement at the end would be a great wrap-up.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
I see Ashes is trying to take over ron's spot as the confusing votes champion. :p

Grats, monkey! Nice to have you back and immediately taking names.

Now get the new thread up so Mike M can immediately bang out a first draft.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Ha ha. Congrats. Didn't even think I was in the running tbh. (And was cowering my head in shame for one royal fuckup after another)
Very much deserved hey monkey. Holder of both writing and poetry thread.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Previous Challenge Threads and Themes, #1-100
Previous Challenge Threads and Themes, #201-

Previous Themes (and Winners):
#101 - "Relative" (Ashes1396)
#102 - "Conflict" (Aaron)
#103 - "Politics" (Mike Works)
#104 - "Compensate" (Tangent)
#105 - "News" (Tangent)
#106 - "The Last Straw" (John Dunbar)
#107 - "Loss" (Ashes1396)
#108 - "..." (Ashes1396)
#109 - "Why?" (John Dunbar)
#110 - "Hurdle" (Nezumi)
#111 - "Experiment gone wrong" (Sober)
#112 - "After 'Happily Ever After'" (Tangent)
#113 - "Proceed With Caution" (Mike M)
#114 - "The Great Debate" (Tangent)
#115 - "Boxed In" (GRW810)
#116 - "The Game" (Cyan)
#117 - "In the Shadows" (John Dunbar)
#118 - "Order" (Cyan)
#119 - "Challenge" (Aaron)
#120 - "The Losers" (Nezumi)
#121 - "Random" (Mike Works)
#122 - "Age" (GRW810)
#123 - "Misinformation" (adj_noun)
#124 - "Betrayal" (Mike M)
#125 - "Performance Anxiety" (hey_monkey)
#126 - "Reunited" (multivac)
#127 - "Desperation" (hey_monkey)
#128 - "Folk and Fairy Tales" (multivac)
#129 - "Breakdown" (Aaron)
#130 - "Song and Dance" (hey_monkey)
#131 - "Tour" (Cyan)
#132 - "Wrong Place, Wrong Time" (Tangent)
#133 - "This is it" (Mike M)
#134 - "Reign of Error" (Cyan)
#135 - "Cryptic" (Aaron)
#136 - "Reversal of Fortune" (John Dunbar)
#137 - "Doubt" (Ashes1396)
#138 - "A Second Chance" (Aaron)
#139 - "Outsider" (Cyan)
#140 - "Nameless" (Mike M)
#141 - "Irretrievable" (Nezumi)
#142 - "Retreat" (Valerie Cherish)
#143 - "Gluttony" (Ourobolus)
#144 - "Entrance" (Mike M)
#145 - "Verbiogenesis" (Charade)
#146 - "Rite of Passage" (Cyan)
#147 - "The Garden Path" (Metaphoreus)
#148 - "The Right Questions" (Tangent)
#149 - "Faux Pas" (Mike M)
#150 - "Based on Actual Events" (Mike M)
#151 - "Inversion" (exfixate)
#152 - "Summer's End" (Cyan)
#153 - "Fear Itself" (Cyan)
#154 - "Interlude" (Charade)
#155 - "Choices" (FlowersisBritish)
#156 - "Connections" (Cyan)
#157 - "Abdication" (Mike M)
#158 - "Happy Birthday" (Ashes)
#159 - [Creative Writing] (Nezumi)
#160 - "Down the Hole" (FlowersisBritish / Metaphoreus)
#161 - "Horror" (Cyan)
#162 - "No Man's Land" (Crunched)
#163 - "Family" (Mike M)
#164 - "Discipline" (Mike M)
#165 - "Unobtainable" (Cyan)
#166 - "Dust" (Mike M)
#167 - "Mnemonic" (Dandy Crocodile)
#168 - "Fold" (FlowersisBritish)
#169 - "Ouroboros" (Neeener)
#170 - "Reproduction" (Mike M)
#171 - "What Lies Below" (Cowlick)
#172 - "Incomplete" (FlowersisBritish)
#173 - "Furry" (Mike M)
#174 - "Get 'im" (Cyan)
#175 - "The Gift" (FlowersisBritish)
#176 - "Spooky!" (Aaron)
#177 - "Revenge!" (Nezumi)
#178 - "Homecoming" (Ashes)
#179 - "Make Sense" (Cyan)
#180 - "Flight" (Cyan)
#181 - "Adrift" (Mike M)
#182 - "Lies and Damned Lies" (Cyan)
#183 - "Last Call" (Mike M)
#184 - "The Beat" (Mike M)
#185 - "Fresh" (Ashes)
#186 - "Creatively Bankrupt" (FlowersisBritish)
#187 - "Spiral" (Nezumi)
#188 - "Harmony" (Red/Flowersisbritish)
#189 - "Neighbors" (Tangent)
#190 - "Self-Loathing or You Can Lead…" (FlowersisBritish)
#191 - "Desecration" (Red)
#192 - "Reflection" (Mike M)
#193 - "The Hunter" (mu cephei)
#194 - "On the Edge" (Cyan)
#195 - "Heartless" (FlowersisBritish)
#196 - "Dance" (Red)
#197 - "Alchemy" (Problem Attic)
#198 - "Oblivion" (mu cephei)
#199 - "Ritual" (FlowersisBritish)
#200 - "Halloween" (mu cephei)


Previous Secondary Objectives:
#101 - nostalgia vs the unknown
#102 - avoid common faults
#103 - do it in one take
#104 - lifestyle interrupted
#105 - character development
#106 - right amount of description
#107 - what a twist
#108 - think
#109 - break a rule
#110 - satire
#111 - punchline
#112 - world-building
#113 - spacers and bridges
#114 - absurdism
#115 - "that sounds just like..."
#116 - world like ours, but different
#117 - poetic justice
#118 - opposite sex protagonist
#119 - casting call
#120 - team up
#121 - research
#122 - inner and outer goals
#123 - part of a series
#124 - extinction event
#125 - uncomfortably personal
#126 - flash forward / flashback
#127 - single location
#128 - gender flip
#129 - loglines
#130 - something old
#131 - alternate paths
#132 - setting revisit
#133 - wish list / clean slate
#134 - double entendres
#135 - hook the reader early
#136 - something out of place
#137 - prose poetry
#138 - second chance rewrite
#139 - measure twice, cut once
#140 - anonymous
#141 - perversion of an ideal
#142 - poem or song
#143 - start with talking
#144 - nobody dies
#145 - no prose
#146 - food
#147 - poetry corner
#148 - play script
#149 - convergence
#150 - show your work
#151 - one draft
#152 - at the movies
#153 - overcome resistance!
#154 - something different
#155 - POV fun
#156 - characters speak only once
#157 - start with the title
#158 - Batman
#159 - no titles
#160 - collaboration
#161 - kill a main character offscreen
#162 - multiple senses
#163 - memoir
#164 - full Hemingway
#165 - I could never write like this...
#166 - specificity in nouns
#167 - objective correlatives
#168 - alliteration
#169 - inspired by a picture
#170 - internal dialogue
#171 - anonymous
#172 - under pressure
#173 - something missing
#174 - old setting, new characters
#175 - specificity in verbs
#176 - cultural diversity
#177 - keep a secret
#178 - visual support
#179 - literary story
#180 - principles of puppetry
#181 - differentiate character voices
#182 - antiheroics
#183 - peak-end rule
#184 - musical inspiration
#185 - public domain
#186 - anonymous
#187 - genre blending
#188 - collaboration
#189 - impropriety
#190 - confessional style or horror writing word choice
#191 - otherworldly
#192 - coming-of-age tale
#193 - mythical inspiration
#194 - time
#195 - channeling favorites
#196 - active verb descriptions
#197 - avoid contrivance
#198 - liminality
#199 - opposition/antagonism
#200 - spirit of the holidays
 
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